David Hammons > Quotes

“Four out of 5 doctors agree that dying is fatal. Hence, the absence of the fifth doctor.”
― David Hammons, The Bean Straw: The Chicken Factor

“I went to Area 51 and found all my socks that I had lost in the dryer.”
― David Hammons, The Bean Straw: The Chicken Factor

“In countries that use the metric system, the book "Fahrenheit 451" is titled "Celsius 232.78.”
― David Hammons, The Bean Straw: The Chicken Factor

“With this economy and the falling value of the dollar, 50 Cent had to rename himself to 37 Cent. Of course, with a coupon, it's 43 cent.”
― David Hammons, The Bean Straw: The Chicken Factor

“I said to Dracula, “What is that on your face?” He ran to a mirror; he said, “Oh, funny guy, HA! HA!”
― David Hammons, The Bean Straw: The Chicken Factor

“Armstrong was clumsy. Most people don’t know that the first imprint in the moon dust was not that of a boot but of a helmet.”
― David Hammons, The Bean Straw: The Chicken Factor

“I'm more interested in storytelling than in history. There's too much history. We need more mystery!”
― David Hammons, David Hammons: Bliz-aard Ball Sale

“Meet new people!”
― David Hammons, The Bean Straw: The Chicken Factor

“Stealing is wrong, but I like the excitement of crime: So I made the bank deposit my paycheck at gun point.”
― David Hammons, The Bean Straw: The Chicken Factor

“I sell boomerangs with a razor sharp edge. It won't return to you, but nobody has complained.”
― David Hammons, The Bean Straw: The Chicken Factor

“Colonel Sanders was actually eaten by cannibals. They claimed he tasted like chicken.”
― David Hammons, The Bean Straw: The Chicken Factor

“BBC is producing a new science fiction series about a very confused humanoid that can travel through time. Introducing, “Dr. Huh?”
― David Hammons, The Bean Straw: The Chicken Factor

“I invented a boomerang that returns to the first person not paying attention.”
― David Hammons, The Bean Straw: The Chicken Factor

“I found I could induce Tourette's Syndrome in anyone by parking a car on their foot.”
― David Hammons, The Bean Straw: The Chicken Factor

“I thought I was brave because I was the last to run away from the fight. Actually, I'm just slow.”
― David Hammons, The Bean Straw: The Chicken Factor

“Archeologists find ancient text messaging system: Rocks with text thrown to recipients - Skeletal remains show high level of head trauma.”
― David Hammons, The Bean Straw: The Chicken Factor

“I joined an amnesia support group, and I am amazed at the number of new people that attend our monthly meetings!”
― David Hammons, The Bean Straw: The Chicken Factor

“At times, I find my cats near the toilet with a look of suspicion, like they’re asking, “Why is there a lid on our water bowl?”
― David Hammons, The Bean Straw: The Chicken Factor

“I was in a relay race today. I didn’t get it. I was running around the track with some nut chasing me, trying to hit me with a stick!”
― David Hammons, The Bean Straw: The Chicken Factor

“Got great news today. I was on Cloud 9. Then it all got ruined by the people on Cloud 10 stomping around, playing their music too loud.”
― David Hammons, The Bean Straw: The Chicken Factor

“I’m testing a new land mine detection system. It consists of earplugs and a huge pair of shoes.”
― David Hammons, The Bean Straw: The Chicken Factor

“I took Dracula to a carnival. We went through the fun house of mirrors. He didn't get it.”
― David Hammons, The Bean Straw: The Chicken Factor

“Owned a unicycle with one pedal and a missing seat. It was stolen by a one-legged man, with no butt, and an incredible sense of balance.”
― David Hammons, The Bean Straw: The Chicken Factor

“The dog has been acting real nervous ever since the cat asked for a deer rifle for his birthday.”
― David Hammons, The Bean Straw: The Chicken Factor

“I think my cats are trying to kill me by putting catnip in my food. I sense disappointment in them when I wake up in the morning.”
― David Hammons, The Bean Straw: The Chicken Factor

“Went to a 3D movie and wore 6 pairs of 3D glasses at the same time. During the movie, a spear was thrown and killed a guy in the 3rd row.”
― David Hammons, The Bean Straw: The Chicken Factor

“I went to an amnesia support group meeting, but nobody could figure out why we were there.”
― David Hammons, The Bean Straw: The Chicken Factor

“I play Russian roulette. That way, I only face UNCERTAIN death.”
― David Hammons, The Bean Straw: The Chicken Factor

“I walked into the backyard with a glass of juice in my hand, and all my grapevines started screaming.”
― David Hammons, The Bean Straw: The Chicken Factor

“while other kids were dreaming of being firemen or doctors, I dreamt of how someday I would escape from a mental institution.”
― David Hammons, The Bean Straw: The Chicken Factor