Tonya Kappes > Quotes

“Darla never kept any keepsakes. She said that the memories I needed to keep were the ones in my head.”
― Tonya Kappes, A Charming Cure

“I won't tell if you don't." I winked.
Granny laughed.
In the South, a wink speaks louder than words.”
― Tonya Kappes, A Ghostly Demise

“How do you know about Leotta?"
It wasn't like I could tell him that Cephus Hardy was dead and right there about to give him the smackdown, nor could I tell him that I had seen his old Buick parked in front of Higher Ground when I acted like I had no idea he had a car and offered him a ride.
"Isn't she still married to Cephus Hardy?" My eyes zeroed in on his facial expression.
Cephus jumped around me and grabbed Terk by the neck. "Yeah, you sonofabitch!"
"Stop!" I yelled, but it was too late.”
― Tonya Kappes, A Ghostly Demise

“Every time someone wants to throw away a book, a little bit of my soul dies.”
― Tonya Kappes, Beaches, Bungalows & Burglaries

“There were two things Southerners hated to see knocking on their door. Jehovah Witnesses, because the majority of us were Baptist, and the undertaker. It was understandable that when Terk Rhinehammer opened the door, his face turned white as all the blood was drained from it after he looked past me and saw my hearse.
"What's wrong?" He used his hands to pat down his chest. "I'm not dead, am I?”
― Tonya Kappes, A Ghostly Demise

“Big sisters are the crab grass in the lawn of life. ~ Charles M. Schulz”
― Tonya Kappes, Never Tell Your Dreams

“Teddy did a muscle pose with his arms before he did the whole bouncing pectoral move with his boobs. "I'm a wrestling champ. International."
It was hard for me not to stare at each boob taking its turn bouncing up and down.
"Oh." My brows lifted along with my mouth. "Impressive.”
― Tonya Kappes, A Ghostly Demise

“She’s so crooked, if she swallowed a nail, she’d spit up a corkscrew.” Dottie rolled”
― Tonya Kappes, Kickbacks, Kayaks, & Kidnapping

“I’m sorry.” I hurried after him after he started to walk back to his car. “I didn’t like how you scolded me.”
― Tonya Kappes, Motorhomes, Maps, & Murder

“Southern Pecan Bread Ingredients: 1 1/2 cups light brown sugar 1/2 cup granulated sugar 1 1/4 cup butter, melted 4 eggs, lightly beaten 1 teaspoon vanilla 1/2 teaspoon kosher salt 1 1/2 cups self-rising flour 1 1/2 cups chopped pecans Instructions: Preheat oven to 350°F. Line a 9×13 baking dish with foil or parchment paper. Coat lightly with nonstick spray and set aside. In the bowl of your stand mixer using the paddle attachment combine both the sugars and butter, mixing on low until combined. Add in the eggs, vanilla, and salt and turn mixer up to medium speed and mix for 1 minute until smooth. Turn mixer to low and mix in the flour until just combined. Fold in the pecans. Transfer mixture to your prepared pan and bake for 30-35 minutes, or until the center is just set and the edges are lightly golden. Cool completely in the pan, and then cut into squares.”
― Tonya Kappes, Stamped Out

“I'll be glad when this election is over!" Mary Anna yelled out the window of her car. She pulled the silver convertible classic Mercedes into the driveway of Eternal Slumber. "I was mobbed by O'Dell's sister and my momma this morning before I even had my boobs tucked in.”
― Tonya Kappes, A Ghostly Demise

“no matter how slick someone is, they can’t slide on barbed wire.”
― Tonya Kappes, Valleys, Vehicles & Victims

“The cameraman took a step back and pointed the camera directly at Dottie. “I wouldn’t trust what Violet Rhinehammer said if her tongue come notarized.” Dottie pointed directly into the camera.”
― Tonya Kappes, Jackets, Jack-O-Lantern, & Justice

“I think dogs are the most amazing creatures; they give unconditional love. For me they are the role model for being alive. ~Gilda Radner”
― Tonya Kappes, Happy New Life

“You don't choose your family.  They are God's gift to you, as you are to them. ~Desmond”
― Tonya Kappes, Happy New Life

“Patience Karima took the yellow crime tape and not only draped it across the Ever After Books front door, but looped it around every inch of the outside of the shop. Ever After Books was now a full-on crime scene.”
― Tonya Kappes, A Charming Spell

“True friendship isn't about being there when it's convenient; it's about being there when it's not. ~Author Unknown”
― Tonya Kappes, Happy New Life

“To forgive is the highest, most beautiful form of love. In return, you will receive untold peace and happiness.” Robert Muller   Chapter”
― Tonya Kappes, The Ladybug Jinx

“other leads that I need to follow up on.” He looked”
― Tonya Kappes, Eggnog, Extortion, & Evergreens

“Southern Hospitality with a Smidgen of Homicide

It creams my corn to think I've been accused of murder. ​​​​​​

I'm a handyman in the Daniel Boone National Park. My main employer is Mae West at the Happy Trails Campground.
When I got a phone call to take down some trees on this guy's property for a side hustle, I jumped at the change. That's one of the biggest money making jobs around these parts.
Unfortunately I got hauled off to jail after I was accused of being part of an illegal logging crew. Simple enough, I gave Sheriff Hank Sharp the name of the man who hired me, only he was found murdered by one of my tools.
Not only am I accused of illegal logging, now I'm the number one suspect in this man's murder.
It just creams my corn to be accused of murder.
There's only one person I trust to get me out of this mess and that's Maybelline West.
I'm sure she, along with her nosy friends, the Laundry Club Ladies, will snoop around to help clear my name.”
― Tonya Kappes

“Dottie drawled, flicking her ashes into the wind. “Shoot, if I’d been born back then, I’d have lasted about as long as a snowball in a skillet.”
― Tonya Kappes, Autumns, Awnings, & Arson

“Happiness often sneaks in through a door you didn't know you left open. ~John Barrymore”
― Tonya Kappes, Happy New Life

“Pumpkin Sugar Cookies Sugar Cookies just got better with a little pumpkin! This recipe creates soft, chewy, lightly spicy glazed pumpkin sugar cookies that are perfect for Fall! Ingredients: 1/2 cup softened butter 1/2 cup vegetable oil 1/2 cup pumpkin puree {canned pumpkin} 1 cup granulated sugar 1/2 cup powdered sugar 1/2 teaspoon vanilla 2 large eggs 4 cups all purpose flour 1/4 teaspoon baking soda 1/4 teaspoon cream of tartar 1/2 teaspoon salt 1 teaspoon cinnamon 1/2 teaspoon nutmeg For the glaze topping: 3 cups powdered sugar 4 tablespoons water 1/4 teaspoon pumpkin pie spice Instructions Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Line a baking sheet with parchment paper or silicone baking mat and set aside. In a large bowl, stir butter, oil, pumpkin, sugars, vanilla and eggs together until incorporated and smooth. Slowly mix in all dry ingredients until completely incorporated. Scoop onto prepared baking sheet using 1 1/2 tablespoon scoop and flatten to 1/2 inch thick using the bottom of a glass. If the dough is sticking to the glass, press the bottom of the glass in granulated sugar before flattening. Bake 8-9 minutes. While cookies bake, stir all ingredients together for glaze until smooth. Once cookies are finished baking, cool 3 minutes on baking sheet before transferring to cooling rack. Spread 1 1/2 teaspoons glaze over each warm cookie. Let glaze harden 2-3 hours before serving. OR eat them warm with lots of runny glaze.”
― Tonya Kappes, Stamped Out

“She’s as full of wind as a corn-eating horse.”
― Tonya Kappes, Fireworks, Freedom, & Felonies

“I wanted to protest to him, but the fact was that I had broken the rules.”
― Tonya Kappes, A Charming Ghost

“Jephus Hardy?"
Stunned. My jaw dropped when I saw Cephus Hardy walk up to me in the magazine aisle of Artie's Meat and Deli. I was admiring the cover of Cock and Feathers, where my last client at Eternal Slumber Funeral Home, Chicken Teater, graced the cover with his prize Orloff Hen, Lady Cluckington.”
― Tonya Kappes, A Ghostly Demise

“PREACHER’S WIFE PINEAPPLE CASSEROLE (Betts Hager) Ingredients 2 (20-ounce) cans pineapple chunks packed in juice, well-drained 3/4 cup sugar 6 tablespoons self-rising flour (see Note below) 2 cups grated Cheddar cheese 4 ounces Ritz crackers 1 stick butter, melted NOTE: Be sure to use self-rising flour, not all-purpose, as it already has the other necessary ingredients included. Instructions Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Spray a 2-quart or 8 x 8-inch baking dish with cooking spray. In a medium bowl, mix the sugar and flour. Then, add pineapple and cheese and stir until there are no more dry particles. Spoon this mixture into the prepared baking dish. Crush crackers by pulsing in a food processor and add the melted butter with the machine running until it has the texture of wet sand. Add the crushed cracker mixture to the top of the casserole. Bake about 25 minutes until the top is lightly browned.”
― Tonya Kappes, Beaches, Bungalows & Burglaries

“couldn’t’ve”
― Tonya Kappes, Wildlife, Warrants, & Weapons

“That’s where my butt cream went?” Chicken hooted and hollered. “She knew I had a hemorrhoid the size of a golf ball and she used my cream on her face?”
― Tonya Kappes, A Ghostly Grave

“few”
― Tonya Kappes, Spellbound, Scones, and Secrets