Wade Rouse > Quotes

“It's funny how "a part" and "apart" are complete opposites, yet only differ by a little space.”
― Wade Rouse, I'm Not the Biggest Bitch in This Relationship: Hilarious, Heartwarming Tales About Man's Best Friend from America's Favorite Humorists

“Life sometimes sends out previews - but It never reveals the Surprise Ending.”
― Wade Rouse, I'm Not the Biggest Bitch in This Relationship: Hilarious, Heartwarming Tales About Man's Best Friend from America's Favorite Humorists

“Although it should be avoided, you can break promises to people if you have to—because you can explain circumstances and make reasonable justifications and compromises with people. Dogs take you at your word—that’s a lot to live up to—and I, for one, do not want to be the kind of person who reneges on a good-faith deal with a dog.”
― Wade Rouse, I'm Not the Biggest Bitch in This Relationship: Hilarious, Heartwarming Tales About Man's Best Friend from America's Favorite Humorists

“Winters in Michigan are a lot like John Holmes’s penis: awe-inspiring but way too long, leaving you to wonder—after the”
― Wade Rouse, It's All Relative: Two Families, Three Dogs, 34 Holidays, and 50 Boxes of Wine

“We're human. We all occasionally wet ourselves. No one is really better than anyone else. We're just all trying to make it through the year as best we can. We screw up sometimes. We succeed sometimes. We laugh. We cry. We go on.

Those are the things we should really share with each other this holiday season, right, if we dare send a letter? We should share the truth. We should share the insanity.”
― Wade Rouse, It's All Relative: Two Families, Three Dogs, 34 Holidays, and 50 Boxes of Wine

“The Jingle Balls incident made me understand that holidays were not—and did not have to be—perfect in order to be beautiful. It made me realize that all families are dysfunctional, especially during the holidays, and that while most celebrations are well-intended, they are also usually diarrhea-inducing.”
― Wade Rouse, It's All Relative: Two Families, Three Dogs, 34 Holidays, and 50 Boxes of Wine

“I prefer to hide unsettling things and let them build into life-scarring neuroses.”
― Wade Rouse, It's All Relative: Two Families, Three Dogs, 34 Holidays, and 50 Boxes of Wine

“She looked at me in a troubled sort of way, the way I look today at people who rave about the food at Applebee’s or the Olive Garden.”
― Wade Rouse, It's All Relative: Two Families, Three Dogs, 34 Holidays, and 50 Boxes of Wine

“Then he gave me the best advice of my life. “Listen, sonny boy. An Irishman is never drunk as long as he can hold on to one blade of grass and not fall off the face of the earth.” SPRING BREAK Heaven’s Waiting Room”
― Wade Rouse, It's All Relative: Two Families, Three Dogs, 34 Holidays, and 50 Boxes of Wine

“I believed that my parents and grandparents stayed married for fifty years because of the simple yet undeniable fact that they worked like hell at it every single day, not because they bought each other a commemorative teacup every year.”
― Wade Rouse, It's All Relative: Two Families, Three Dogs, 34 Holidays, and 50 Boxes of Wine

“What do you mean, you ‘don’t believe in homosexuality’? It’s not like the Easter Bunny, your belief isn’t necessary.”–LEA DELARIA”
― Wade Rouse, It's All Relative: Two Families, Three Dogs, 34 Holidays, and 50 Boxes of Wine

“caricaturists and rodeo clowns be included in that special group of gifted performers?”
― Wade Rouse, It's All Relative: Two Families, Three Dogs, 34 Holidays, and 50 Boxes of Wine

“My Grandma Shipman always said, ‘Hugs are for free. I may not be able to give you material things, but I can always give you a hug, let you know how much you are loved. And that will make you a very rich man.”
― Wade Rouse, Confessions of a Prep School Mommy Handler

“The earth is what grounds us and connects us all for a very short time,” Gary said to me. “That’s why I like to grow and share starts of plants with others—like your grandmother’s peonies—because it’s like sharing a memory with the world. Did you know your mom saved peony starts from your grandma’s garden after she died, and then passed them along to me? It’s a way to keep family alive, to keep the memory of those we love in our home, no matter where we live or how much time has passed.”
― Wade Rouse, It's All Relative: Two Families, Three Dogs, 34 Holidays, and 50 Boxes of Wine

“You’re very Johnny Depp in Secret Window.”
― Wade Rouse, It's All Relative: Two Families, Three Dogs, 34 Holidays, and 50 Boxes of Wine

“I was deeply loved. And scarred. Which is a pretty good trade-off in my holiday book.”
― Wade Rouse, It's All Relative: Two Families, Three Dogs, 34 Holidays, and 50 Boxes of Wine

“You have to love a nation that celebrates its independence every July Fourth, not with a parade of guns, tanks, and soldiers who file by the White House in a show of strength and muscle, but with family picnics where kids throw Frisbees, the potato salad gets iffy, and the flies die from happiness. You may think you have overeaten, but it is patriotism.”–ERMA BOMBECK”
― Wade Rouse, It's All Relative: Two Families, Three Dogs, 34 Holidays, and 50 Boxes of Wine

“I’m just saying that you’d better change your life, or you’ll end up like them. I don’t want anger in this house twenty-four-seven. We only get one shot at life, you know? You’re a smart guy. Start acting like one.”
― Wade Rouse, Confessions of a Prep School Mommy Handler

“That precious Christmas memory and now-famous morsel of family lore, however, led me to a number of profound conclusions: There was no Santa. The reason behind my aunt’s itchy stocking was not that it was made of polyester. Joe Reynolds was bound to have a good year after a string of bad ones. Nixon indeed needed all the help he could get. And no family holiday—no holiday, period—is ever as perfect as we dream it will be. I should know. My family always had the best of intentions with our holiday celebrations”
― Wade Rouse, It's All Relative: Two Families, Three Dogs, 34 Holidays, and 50 Boxes of Wine

“This was a dog that had lived a nightmare of a life and still never whined or howled or cried out of pain or discomfort. You don’t make a sound, I learned from Wonder, when no one ever comes to see how you’re doing.”
― Wade Rouse, It's All Relative: Two Families, Three Dogs, 34 Holidays, and 50 Boxes of Wine

“And when it is one of her first kills of the day, she forces everyone to let the dead flies lie where she has smacked them. “The smell of the blood will drive their friends away,” she says, like a maternal Van Helsing.”
― Wade Rouse, America's Boy: A Memoir