J.B. Lynn > Quotes

“You know it’s going to be a bad day when you’ve got Piss on your chest, Doomsday staring you in the eye, and God singing, “Staying Alive” out of tune.”
― J.B. Lynn, The Hitwoman and the Neurotic Witness

“Reading is my superpower,” I muttered, trying to prevent the escape of the hysterical laughter welling up inside me.”
― J.B. Lynn, The Hitwoman and the Chubby Cherub

“He wants me to go with him to pick up an actual animal, right now.” “What kind?” “He won’t say,” I revealed. Delveccio shook his head. “It’s really amazing that you don’t get into more trouble with the law.” “You can say that again,” God agreed from my bra.”
― J.B. Lynn, The Hitwoman and the Missing Mobster

“So that, hopefully, But as the song says -- if you try sometimes you find you get what you need. wouldn’t find out about it. And they didn’t,” he bragged.”
― J.B. Lynn, The Hitwoman Gets Caught

“She’s usually right,” God reminded me. “It usually makes sense, eventually.” “Usually when someone’s trying to kill me,” I grumbled.”
― J.B. Lynn, The Hitwoman Gets Her Man

“You just know it’s going to be a bad day when an angel has fallen and can’t get up.”
― J.B. Lynn, The Hitwoman and the Fallen Angel

“You just know it’s going to be a bad day when a medical examiner looks at you like you’re a cadaver.”
― J.B. Lynn, The Hitwoman vs The Security Guard

“It seemed like the safest course of action. What could go wrong?”
― JB Lynn, The Hitwoman and the Evil Ex

“He reached across the table”
― J.B. Lynn, The Hitwoman Plays Soccer Mom

“You just know it’s going to be a bad day when you hear, “This is a stick-up!”.”
― J.B. Lynn, The Hitwoman Gets Caught

“You just know it's going to be a bad day when your boss is a teenager.”
― J.B. Lynn, The Hitwoman and the Ninjas

“You just know it’s going to be a bad day when you hear, “We’ll get back to you.”
― J.B. Lynn, The Hitwoman's Egg Hunt

“You just know it’s going to be a bad day when you’re trying to outrun a cop.”
― J.B. Lynn, The Hitwoman vs the Embezzler

“I got myself a cup of mint chocolate chip, figuring that mint was an herb, herbs are kind of like veggies, and that made it a healthier choice. To cement my good eating habit, I asked for two cherries on top. Fruit, you know.”
― J.B. Lynn, The Hitwoman and the Mother Load

“How do you feel about matchmakers?”
― J.B. Lynn, The Mutt and the Matchmaker

“You just know it’s going to be a bad day when the champagne is poisoned.”
― J.B. Lynn, The Hitwoman’s Getaway

“You just know it's going to be a bad day when you can't get out of the loony bin.”
― J.B. Lynn, Hitwoman Under Pressure

“Is he really trying to seduce you over tuna while on a stakeout?”
― J.B. Lynn, The Hitwoman and the Fallen Angel

“Take me with you,” God demanded. “What?” “It’s bad enough I’ve endured her singing, there’s no way I’m going to be forced to witness her bizarre mating rituals.”
― J.B. Lynn, The Hitwoman Gets Lucky

“The last time I’d shown up at this place, he’d called to make sure I wasn’t being admitted as a patient. Apparently, I’m not the only one with concerns about the state of my mental health.”
― J.B. Lynn, The Hitwoman Investigates

“underdeveloped empathy? Not me.” “Let me guess,” I teased as he held the door open so that I could enter the bookstore. “In another life you were a librarian.”
― J.B. Lynn, The Hitwoman and the Missing Date

“I almost raised my hand to ask what the dreaded consequences might be, but I thought she might revoke my status as an adult.”
― J.B. Lynn, The Hitwoman Plays Chaperone

“I sighed. “Even when we disagree with someone’s choices, we don’t have to resort to calling them names”
― J.B. Lynn, The Hitwoman and the Mental Patient

“Shame can be an effective and powerful motivator. The crowd quickly dispersed, raising their hands to cover their faces as they scurried away. We live in a world where people love to celebrate the downfall of others, while attempting to appear virtuous themselves.”
― JB Lynn, The Hitwoman and the Evil Ex

“Because she doesn't look anything like me," God muttered, still stuck on the idea that my friend was dressed up like my pet lizard.”
― J.B. Lynn, The Hitwoman's Knight Fight

“People always hide things in sock drawers, which is odd when you think about how often socks get lost.”
― J.B. Lynn, The Hitwoman and the Flash Mob

“You know it’s going to be a bad day when the phone rings at 3:24 in the morning. I mean, is there anything else that can simultaneously trigger the thoughts of “where am I” and “someone died”?”
― J.B. Lynn, The Hitwoman and the Gold Digger

“You know it’s going to be a bad day when the only weapon you have to defend yourself with is a rubber chicken.”
― J.B. Lynn, The Hitwoman and the Mother Load

“What an antiquated concept,” God mused. “Yeah!” Rowdy leaned back on her rear legs and made punching motions with her front paws. “Hit them low and hit them hard if you want to win!” “There’s nothing to win,” I told her sharply, feeling the need to correct the adolescent member of the family. “Being a name-caller doesn’t mean you’re respected, it means you’re a bully.”
― J.B. Lynn, The Hitwoman and the Mental Patient

“There’s something about being in an aquarium that makes me need to pee every twenty minutes. Maybe it’s being surrounded by so much water.”
― J.B. Lynn, The Hitwoman Takes a Road Trip