A.P. Herbert > Quotes

“The conception of two people living together for twenty-five years without having a cross word suggests a lack of spirit only to be admired in sheep”
― Alan Patrick Herbert

“At the Theatre: To the Lady Behind Me

Dear Madam, you have seen this play;
I never saw it till today.
You know the details of the plot,
But, let me tell you, I do not.
The author seeks to keep from me
The murderer's identity,
And you are not a friend of his
If you keep shouting who it is.
The actors in their funny way
Have several funny things to say,
But they do not amuse me more
If you have said them just before;
The merit of the drama lies,
I understand, in some surprise;
But the surprise must now be small
Since you have just foretold it all.
The lady you have brought with you
Is, I infer, a half-wit too,
But I can understand the piece
Without assistance from your niece.
In short, foul woman, it would suit
Me just as well if you were mute;
In fact, to make my meaning plain,
I trust you will not speak again.
And—may I add one human touch?—
Don't breathe upon my neck so much.”
― A. P. Herbert

“Holy Mother we do believe,
That without sin Thou didst conceive;
May we now in Thee believing,
Also sin without conceiving.”
― A. P. Herbert

“A highbrow is the kind of person who looks at a sausage and thinks of Picasso.”
― A.P. Herbert, Uncommon Law: Being 66 Misleading Cases Revised and Collected in One Volume

“It may be said at once that it any case no blame whatever attaches to the persons responsible for the framing of these charges, who are placed in a most difficult position by the appellant's unfortunate act. It is a principle of the English law that a person who appears in a police court has done something undesirable, and citizens who take it upon themselves to do unusual actions which attract the attention of the police should be careful to bring these actions into one of the recognized categories of crimes and offenses, for it is intolerable that the police should be put to the pains of inventing reasons for finding them undesirable.
" Is It a Free Country?”
― A.P. Herbert, Uncommon Law: Being 66 Misleading Cases Revised and Collected in One Volume

“The present issue is one of comparative simplicity. That is, the facts of the case are intelligible to the least-instructed layman, and the only persons utterly at sea are those connected with the law. But FACTUM CLARUM, JUS NEBULOSUM, or, ;the clearer the facts, the more dubious the law.' What the appellant did in fact is simple and manifest, but what offence, if any, he has committed in law is a question of the gravest difficulty.
"Is It a Free Country”
― A.P. Herbert, Uncommon Law: Being 66 Misleading Cases Revised and Collected in One Volume

“This is one of many expressions which, colourless and even meaningless at first, have been developed into recognized terms of abuse by sloppy writers, prejudiced thinkers and powerful evangelists. The ordinary reasonable man has been trained to shudder away from a 'reactionary' as he does from a 'vested interest', though he may have no clear notion of the nature of either.
"What is a Reactionary?”
― A.P. Herbert, More Uncommon Law

“And least of all may they do unusual actions 'for fun'. People must not do things for fun. We are not here for fun. There is no reference to fun in any Act of Parliament. If anything is said in this Court to encourage a belief that Englishmen are entitled to jump off bridges for their own amusement the next thing to go will be the Constitution. For these reasons, therefore, I have come to the conclusion that this appeal must fail. It is not for me to say what offence the appellant has committed, but I am satisfied that he has committed SOME offence, for which he has been most properly punished.
"Is It a Free Country?”
― A.P. Herbert, Uncommon Law: Being 66 Misleading Cases Revised and Collected in One Volume

“When we speak of the ‘Crown’ we sometimes mean the Monarch himself; but more often we mean the Government or some Department of it, or some department of some Department, and sometimes in practice, it is to be feared, some subordinate clerk in some department of some Department. All these Departments, nominally controlled by one who is nominally the King’s Minister, enjoy in practice the benefit of the doctrine that the King can do no wrong.”
― A.P. Herbert, Uncommon Law: Being 66 Misleading Cases Revised and Collected in One Volume

“Now, in cross-examination, the witnesses Asquith, George, Grey, Simon, Runciman, and indeed nearly all the plaintiffs, have confessed that they have been guilty from time to time of legislation, or proposals for legislation, of which the main purpose was to make people do something which they did not wish to do, or prevent people from doing something they did wish to do. Few of them could point to an item in their legislative programmes which had any other purpose, and, with the single exception of Mr. Haddock, they have no legislation to suggest of which the purpose is to allow people to do something which they cannot do already. On the contrary, it appears, they are as anxious as any other party in Parliament to make rules and regulations for the eating, drinking, sleeping, and breathing of the British citizen... Mr. Haddock's own programme is simple: (a) to propose no legislation unless its purpose is to allow people to do what they like, and (b) to support no legislation whose purpose is to stop people from doing what they like.
"Which is the Liberal Party?”
― A.P. Herbert, Uncommon Law: Being 66 Misleading Cases Revised and Collected in One Volume

“As a companion, more especially a companion in war, he was made tedious by a habit of cynicism and a passion for argument. The cynicism, I think, had developed originally from some early grievance against Society, had been adopted as an effective pose, and had now become part of his nature. Whatever its origin it was wearing to us, for in the actual scenes of war one likes to cling to one's illusions while any shred of them remains, and would rather they faded honourably under the gentle influence of time than be torn to fragments in a moment by reasoned mockery.”
― A P Herbert, The secret battle

“It cannot be too clearly understood that this is NOT a free country, and it will be an evil day for the legal profession when it is. The citizens of London must realize that there is almost nothing they are allowed to do. Prima facie all actions are illegal, if not by Act of Parliament, by Order in Council; and if not by Order in Council, by Departmental or Police regulation, or By-laws. They may not eat where they like, drive where they like, sing where they like, or sleep where they like.
"Is It a Free Country?”
― A.P. Herbert, Uncommon Law: Being 66 Misleading Cases Revised and Collected in One Volume

“...the dissemination of what is called 'news' is always an anti-social and disturbing act; that 'news' consists as to ninety per cent, of the records of human misfortune, unhappiness, and wrongdoing, as to nine per cent of personal advertisement, as to one per cent of instructive and improving matter; that the study of the newspapers is harmful to the citizen because (a) by the their insistence upon railway accidents, floods, divorces, murders, fires, successful robberies, the rates of taxation and other evils, and (b) by the prominence which they give to exceptionally good fortune, the winners of large sweepstakes, the salaries and faces of beautiful actresses, and the occasional success of what are known, it appears, as 'outsiders', [one] is led to the conclusion that industry, thrift and virtue are not worth pursuing in a world so much governed by incalculable chances; and, in general, that the conditions of mind most fostered by the news of the day are curiosity, cupidity, envy, indignation, horror, and fear.”
― A. P. Herbert

“What is in my mind is well illustrated by this case; for the evidence is that the one manifest result of the 'Hands Off Russia' movement has been to implant in many minds a new and unreasoning antipathy to Russia; whiel the cry of 'Hands Off England' has aroused in others a strong desire to do some injury to their native land. We find therefore that there is no right of Free Speech recognized by the Constitution; and a good thing too.
"Free Speech -- Why?”
― A.P. Herbert, Uncommon Law: Being 66 Misleading Cases Revised and Collected in One Volume