Conor Lastowka > Quotes

“The idea that there is a “realist” faction in the debate over the size of the Smurfs ought to chill you to your very core.”
― Conor Lastowka, [Citation Needed]: The Best Of Wikipedia's Worst Writing

“Similarly, diaper lovers (DLs for short) are often associated with the adult babies (ABs). While there is some commonality, they are not identical. The majority of diaper lovers do not engage in any kind of babyish activities and only solely are interested in diapers. However, about four in ten diaper lovers also consider themselves adult babies, so they are sometimes collectively referred to as AB/DLs.These desires are not related to pedophilia or infantophilia in any way. Inside the AB/DL communities, a sharp distinction is observed. Most of, if not all, of these communities will actively expel child molesters.”
― Conor Lastowka, [Citation Needed]: The Best Of Wikipedia's Worst Writing

“Because of the failed take-over bid by Walt Disney Studios of Harvey Comics in 1955, the Disney studio began a rumor that Casper was the first child experimented on, and subsequently killed by, Nazi doctor Josef Mengele.”
― Conor Lastowka, [Citation Needed]: The Best Of Wikipedia's Worst Writing

“The Times once published an unintentionally humorous description of a Peter Ustinov documentary, noting that “highlights of his global tour include encounters with Nelson Mandela, an 800-year-old demigod and a dildo collector”. This is ambiguous as it stands, and would still be ambiguous if a serial comma were added, as Mandela could then be mistaken for a demigod.”
― Conor Lastowka, [Citation Needed]: The Best Of Wikipedia's Worst Writing

“Asimov received frequent criticism about his books that they never included aliens or sex, so Asimov included in this book aliens, sex, and alien sex.[citation needed]”
― Conor Lastowka, [Citation Needed]: The Best Of Wikipedia's Worst Writing

“The captain flinched as the harpoon shot out of the gun. At less than ten feet away, it should have easily pierced his skull, but out of all the poorly maintained equipment on the Levyathan, the harpoon gun Cormac had seized was quite possibly the shoddiest. The shaft was bent and the tension was set far too high. As the stock of the gun splintered into a dozen pieces, the harpoon shot out at nearly a ninety-degree angle. It sailed over the side of the ship where it struck the breaching whale directly in the blowhole, killing it instantly.”
― Conor Lastowka, Gone Whalin'

“The Good, the Bad, and Huckleberry Hound Kevin Costner was inspired to write Dances With Wolves after viewing this movie on television.”
― Conor Lastowka, [Citation Needed]: The Best Of Wikipedia's Worst Writing

“Let’s maybe avoid competing in the gymnastics events,” 9-Krelblax said. He sounded terrified. Zzarvon’s moodcore had gone white; he gulped and nodded in agreement.”
― Conor Lastowka, The Pole Vault Championship of the Entire Universe

“There, he convinced his crew to leave several days early, by using a shrewd bargaining technique known as "making promises he had no intention of keeping.”
― Conor Lastowka, Gone Whalin'

“It's probably best not to think about how horniness factored into a piece of folk wisdom that had to do with underutilized tentacles. Not while still processing all those front anuses.”
― Conor Lastowka, The Pole Vault Championship of the Entire Universe

“Kara found herself wondering what the woman’s moodcore might look like if she were a Larvilkian. She thought there was a good chance it might just be a holographic projection of vultures picking at a dead horse.”
― Conor Lastowka, The Pole Vault Championship of the Entire Universe

“People tell jokes in the locker room about the pole vaulters. ‘When’s the best time to give a pole vaulter bad news?’” Cornelius pondered this for a moment, then gave up. “When?” he asked. “When he’s finished licking one end of the pole and is turning it around to lick the other end!” Kara said. “Even though I don’t really get it, that’s still pretty funny,”
― Conor Lastowka, The Pole Vault Championship of the Entire Universe

“Intercourse without prophylactic devices was universal before their invention. Can we just replace the entire US Constitution with this sentence? It’s that good.”
― Conor Lastowka, [Citation Needed]: The Best Of Wikipedia's Worst Writing

“Victor Salva Victor Ronald Salva (born March 29, 1958) is an American film director. He is best known for directing the films Powder and Jeepers Creepers, and his conviction for child molestation. The fact that Jeepers Creepers II was left off this list of Salva’s notable accomplishments in favor of “child molestation conviction” is more damning than any Rotten Tomatoes ranking could ever be.”
― Conor Lastowka, [Citation Needed] 2: The Needening: More of The Best of Wikipedia's Worst Writing

“I’ll be quiet, sir,” Zzarvon said. He let the mass murder drop and went back to admiring his new pin. “Yo!”
― Conor Lastowka, The Pole Vault Championship of the Entire Universe

“Chicken coop There is a seemingly permanent controversy over the basic purpose of the chicken coop. The chickens themselves tend to refer to them in melodramatic terms (e.g., “the Auschwitz of agriculture”). Fortunately, nobody listens to chickens, because they are delicious.”
― Conor Lastowka, [Citation Needed]: The Best Of Wikipedia's Worst Writing

“beak pillows or rat scarves”
― Conor Lastowka, The Pole Vault Championship of the Entire Universe

“Perhaps the saying should actually be that all folk wisdom has its roots in horniness.”
― Conor Lastowka, The Pole Vault Championship of the Entire Universe

“Daggering Also Jamaican doctors have warned of the dangers of daggering, after being presented with a forest of fractured penises over the last year. We pray you never have an opportunity to use it, but now you know the collective noun for a group of fractured penises.”
― Conor Lastowka, [Citation Needed]: The Best Of Wikipedia's Worst Writing

“You probably got a chuckle imagining the “cult-like” group that enjoys Mountain Holler. Some chubby gamers swigging it or perhaps ironic college students that initially only bought it because it was cheaper, but now claim to like it better than real Mountain Dew. But no, he really meant they’re like a cult. They’re twisted. They carved R.C.T.B. into the chest of an infant son of a member who had attempted to escape.”
― Conor Lastowka, [Citation Needed] 2: The Needening: More of The Best of Wikipedia's Worst Writing

“Fuzzy-Wuzzy can refer to: Fuzzy Wuzzy (poem), a popular children’s poem/tongue-twister in which a bear is thought to be fuzzy, but it turns out he’s not Directed by M. Night Shyamalan.”
― Conor Lastowka, [Citation Needed]: The Best Of Wikipedia's Worst Writing

“Surely micromanaging the school's ranking in "legacy admissions" was not as important as making sure another laughing-gas leak didn't happen in the Econ Building, right? And dammit, if losing a point here and there in "handicapped accessibility" meant that he could avoid another incident like the plane carrying the Women's Studies Department getting hijacked to Panama, he should by all means lose that point!

This confused the confused the tribunal, and Frampton realized that this particular incident was actually not due to occur for five more hours. He excused himself to make a frantic phone call in Spanish to an airborne contact, and that embarrassment was avoided. The Women's Studies Department could be dealt with later.”
― Conor Lastowka, Gone Whalin'

“Careful there, Niner,” King Moho cautioned. “It’s bad luck if an alien passes out from hyperventilating in the middle of a luau.”
― Conor Lastowka, The Pole Vault Championship of the Entire Universe

“Before the last Winter Olympics, a rumor had circulated around Kara’s middle school that in order to top the sheer scale and spectacle of the previous Olympics’ ceremony, the host country was actually going to throw someone into the mouth of an erupting volcano.”
― Conor Lastowka, The Pole Vault Championship of the Entire Universe

“Upping the school's X-Factor ranking was not something that was going to be accomplished by working nine to five. He would have to rise with the chickens, go to bed with the alcoholics, and think with the mental dexterity of some sort of alcoholic superchicken.”
― Conor Lastowka, Gone Whalin'

“I’ve got a few years under my belt, Kara, and if I had to offer you one piece of advice, it would be to always say yes when a lunatic asks you if you are God. Best case scenario, you find yourself a willing servant. Worst case, you tell him that it is your will that he find a different seat on the city bus and leave you alone.”
― Conor Lastowka, The Pole Vault Championship of the Entire Universe

“You can’t just dump things at our feet when you want to go eat a goddamn panda. The working class are not your trash bin.”
― Conor Lastowka, The Pole Vault Championship of the Entire Universe

“But every sign I saw just had the same stupid warning about endangered dolphin breeding habitats so I figured I still had a ways to go.”
― Conor Lastowka, The Pole Vault Championship of the Entire Universe

“now that 9-Krelblax thought about it, were soon enough after the Secretary of War’s conviction for sleeping with an underage Piltrixian refugee to be in extremely poor taste. “An idle tentacle is a Piltrixian’s greatest ally.”
― Conor Lastowka, The Pole Vault Championship of the Entire Universe

“Dedicated to the guy who won the 40,000-word edit war over the capitalization of “Star Trek Into Darkness”
― Conor Lastowka, [Citation Needed] 2: The Needening: More of The Best of Wikipedia's Worst Writing