Dan Gutman > Quotes

“Sometimes we spend so much time and energy thinking about where we want to go that we don't notice where we happen to be.”
― Dan Gutman, From Texas with Love

“Do stupid stuff and even stupider suff will happen to you.”
― Dan Gutman

“A lot of people seem nice when you first meet them. Then later you find out that they are evil villains who plan to take over the world.”
― Dan Gutman, Miss Daisy Is Crazy!

“If the president and the Vice President dies who becomes President" "Thats easy Arnold Swartzanager”
― Dan Gutman

“If you're going to break the rules, you might as well break them correctly.”
― Dan Gutman

“footnote:

"With all due respect" is grown-up talk for "I think you're stupid.”
― Dan Gutman, Mrs. Dole Is Out of Control!

“The way your life plays out depends on which dominoes you chose to push over and which ones you leave alone.”
― Dan Gutman, The Homework Machine

“In and effort to be fair, an umpire will sometimes cheat.”
― Dan Gutman, It Ain't Cheating If You Don't Get Caught

“No matter what ya do to help somebody, it'll hurt somebody else.”
― Dan Gutman, The Kid Who Became President

“Thats the first rule of being a kid”
― -A.J. Dan Gutman, Mr. Klutz Is Nuts!

“...baseball freely admits that the sport--like civilized society--is crawling with bums.”
― Dan Gutman, It Ain't Cheating If You Don't Get Caught

“You wanna grow up to be a trivia question?" she asked, challenging me. "Or do you wanna make a difference in the world?”
― Dan Gutman, The Kid Who Became President

“ASSUME is to make an ASS of U and ME.”
― Dan Gutman, License to Thrill

“*It is a known fact that if you stand up on a chair, put your fingers in your ears, and announce “I love turnips,” people will think you’re weird.”
― Dan Gutman, Mr. Sunny Is Funny!

“Hey soda girl. You're flat.”
― Dan Gutman

“They had been attacked by guys in golf carts with blow guns, jumped off a cliff, been locked in a burning school, and had their heads stapled, but putting coins in a slot machine was considered too dangerous for kids. Go figure.”
― Dan Gutman, Mission Unstoppable

“I bet you guys can’t name three things invented in Nebraska,” Coke asked the family. “No, but I’m sure you can,” his sister replied. “Kool-Aid, CliffsNotes, and Eskimo Pies!”
― Dan Gutman, Mission Unstoppable

“I want you to open that cabinet over the sink slowly,” Officer Spence ordered. “And then back away. No false moves, Cooney!” Mrs. Cooney went and opened the cabinet over the sink. There were some bandages in there and some bottles of aspirin. “Aha!” Officer Spence hollered. “Aspirin! Can you get that stuff in a drugstore?” “Well, yes, of course,” Mrs. Cooney said. “Just as I suspected!” Officer Spence shouted. “You’re a drug dealer!” “WHAT?!” “You’re handing out drugs to innocent children!” Officer Spence yelled as he wheeled in a portable jail cell. “You should be ashamed of yourself. How do you sleep at night?” “I take NyQuil,” Mrs. Cooney said.”
― Dan Gutman, Officer Spence Makes No Sense!

“road. It’s soul lifting. You’re going to see what makes America’s heart beat. My family took a cross-country trip when I was a kid. Boy, those were some of the best memories of my life.” “What happened?” Pep asked. “Uh . . . I . . . don’t remember, actually,” Dr. McDonald admitted. “It was”
― Dan Gutman, Mission Unstoppable

“—swarmed by bats, abducted by aliens, sprayed with poison gas, had stuff dropped on our heads . . . ,” said Coke. “And all of these things actually happened?” asked Dr. McDonald. “You didn’t make any of it up?” “Yes, it all happened!” Pep shouted at him. “And a lot of other stuff, too. You could fill a—” “Book!” Dr. McDonald said, his eyes suddenly wide.”
― Dan Gutman, License to Thrill

“We had to walk a million hundred miles back to class in single file. Everybody was being really quiet. Nobody wanted to get in trouble with Mr. Klutz. I looked around for Mr. Granite, but I couldn’t find him.”
― Dan Gutman, Miss Kraft Is Daft!

“In the A box, type Albuquerque NM. In the B box, type Lupton AZ. Click Get Directions.”
― Dan Gutman, License to Thrill

“It was the great Russian author Chekhov who wrote, “If you say in the first chapter that there is a rifle hanging on the wall, in the second or third chapter it absolutely must go off. If it’s not going to be fired, it shouldn’t be hanging there.”
― Dan Gutman, License to Thrill

“They had the first hospital in America. The first library and zoo. They had the first newspaper, the first TV and radio broadcasts. Pennsylvania had the first capital of the United States. And most importantly, the banana split was invented here!”
― Dan Gutman, Never Say Genuis

“A - ALPHA B - BRAVO C - CHARLIE D - DELTA E - ECHO F - FOXTROT G - GOLF H - HOTEL I - INDIA J - JULIETT K - KILO L - LIMA M - MIKE N - NOVEMBER O - OSCAR P - PAPA Q - QUEBEC R - ROMEO S - SIERRA T - TANGO U - UNIFORM V - VICTOR W - WHISKEY       X - X-RAY Y - YANKEE Z - ZULU”
― Dan Gutman, License to Thrill

“I don’t want to be a chicken. I don’t want to be a duck. So I shake my butt.”
― Dan Gutman, Miss Small Is off the Wall!

“Every bad thing that happens in the world is good for somebody.”
― Dan Gutman

“Did you know that the state song of Kansas is ‘Home on the Range’?”
― Dan Gutman, Mission Unstoppable

“Let’s T.P. Andrea’s house!” I”
― Dan Gutman, Mrs. Patty Is Batty!

“You probably know that a raindrop falling into Lake Itasca in Minnesota will travel the length of the Mississippi and arrive at the Gulf of Mexico about ninety days later,” he said.”
― Dan Gutman, From Texas with Love