Dan Gutman > Quotes

“Sometimes we spend so much time and energy thinking about where we want to go that we don't notice where we happen to be.”
― Dan Gutman, From Texas with Love

“Do stupid stuff and even stupider suff will happen to you.”
― Dan Gutman

“A lot of people seem nice when you first meet them. Then later you find out that they are evil villains who plan to take over the world.”
― Dan Gutman, Miss Daisy Is Crazy!

“If the president and the Vice President dies who becomes President" "Thats easy Arnold Swartzanager”
― Dan Gutman

“If you're going to break the rules, you might as well break them correctly.”
― Dan Gutman

“footnote:

"With all due respect" is grown-up talk for "I think you're stupid.”
― Dan Gutman, Mrs. Dole Is Out of Control!

“The way your life plays out depends on which dominoes you chose to push over and which ones you leave alone.”
― Dan Gutman, The Homework Machine

“In and effort to be fair, an umpire will sometimes cheat.”
― Dan Gutman, It Ain't Cheating If You Don't Get Caught

“No matter what ya do to help somebody, it'll hurt somebody else.”
― Dan Gutman, The Kid Who Became President

“Thats the first rule of being a kid”
― -A.J. Dan Gutman, Mr. Klutz Is Nuts!

“...baseball freely admits that the sport--like civilized society--is crawling with bums.”
― Dan Gutman, It Ain't Cheating If You Don't Get Caught

“You wanna grow up to be a trivia question?" she asked, challenging me. "Or do you wanna make a difference in the world?”
― Dan Gutman, The Kid Who Became President

“ASSUME is to make an ASS of U and ME.”
― Dan Gutman, License to Thrill

“They had been attacked by guys in golf carts with blow guns, jumped off a cliff, been locked in a burning school, and had their heads stapled, but putting coins in a slot machine was considered too dangerous for kids. Go figure.”
― Dan Gutman, Mission Unstoppable

“I bet you guys can’t name three things invented in Nebraska,” Coke asked the family. “No, but I’m sure you can,” his sister replied. “Kool-Aid, CliffsNotes, and Eskimo Pies!”
― Dan Gutman, Mission Unstoppable

“Pennsylvania is a state of firsts. They had the first hospital in America. The first library and zoo. They had the first newspaper, the first TV and radio broadcasts. Pennsylvania had the first capital of the United States. And most importantly, the banana split was invented here!”
― Dan Gutman, Never Say Genuis

“I want you to open that cabinet over the sink slowly,” Officer Spence ordered. “And then back away. No false moves, Cooney!” Mrs. Cooney went and opened the cabinet over the sink. There were some bandages in there and some bottles of aspirin. “Aha!” Officer Spence hollered. “Aspirin! Can you get that stuff in a drugstore?” “Well, yes, of course,” Mrs. Cooney said. “Just as I suspected!” Officer Spence shouted. “You’re a drug dealer!” “WHAT?!” “You’re handing out drugs to innocent children!” Officer Spence yelled as he wheeled in a portable jail cell. “You should be ashamed of yourself. How do you sleep at night?” “I take NyQuil,” Mrs. Cooney said.”
― Dan Gutman, Officer Spence Makes No Sense!

“*It is a known fact that if you stand up on a chair, put your fingers in your ears, and announce “I love turnips,” people will think you’re weird.”
― Dan Gutman, Mr. Sunny Is Funny!

“You probably know that a raindrop falling into Lake Itasca in Minnesota will travel the length of the Mississippi and arrive at the Gulf of Mexico about ninety days later,” he said.”
― Dan Gutman, From Texas with Love

“Did you know that the state song of Kansas is ‘Home on the Range’?”
― Dan Gutman, Mission Unstoppable

“Hey soda girl. You're flat.”
― Dan Gutman

“In the A box, type Albuquerque NM. In the B box, type Lupton AZ. Click Get Directions.”
― Dan Gutman, License to Thrill

“you know that just twelve years after our Revolutionary War, they had a revolution in France? So they were just a bunch of copycats. We also learned about some French guy named Napoleon who was always sticking his hand in his shirt. Nobody knew why. I guess he had a rash or something. That guy should get some ointment to put on his stomach.”
― Dan Gutman, Oh, Valentine, We've Lost Our Minds!

“blow this pop stand,”
― Dan Gutman, From Texas with Love

“Every bad thing that happens in the world is good for somebody.”
― Dan Gutman

“Gettysburg Address (“Four score and seven years ago …”),”
― Dan Gutman, You Only Die Twice

“You can make invisible ink out of milk, lemon juice, saliva, vinegar, even soapy water—anything that will oxidize when you heat it.”
― Dan Gutman, Never Say Genuis

“in South Carolina it’s illegal to keep a horse in a bathtub?”
― Dan Gutman, You Only Die Twice

“in 1884, at a shoe store in Vicksburg, a man named Phil Gilbert came up with the idea of selling left and right shoes together in the same box!”
― Dan Gutman, You Only Die Twice

“toobleshmoot?”
― Dan Gutman, License to Thrill