Dan Gutman > Quotes

“Sometimes we spend so much time and energy thinking about where we want to go that we don't notice where we happen to be.”
― Dan Gutman, From Texas with Love

“Do stupid stuff and even stupider suff will happen to you.”
― Dan Gutman

“A lot of people seem nice when you first meet them. Then later you find out that they are evil villains who plan to take over the world.”
― Dan Gutman, Miss Daisy Is Crazy!

“If the president and the Vice President dies who becomes President" "Thats easy Arnold Swartzanager”
― Dan Gutman

“If you're going to break the rules, you might as well break them correctly.”
― Dan Gutman

“footnote:

"With all due respect" is grown-up talk for "I think you're stupid.”
― Dan Gutman, Mrs. Dole Is Out of Control!

“The way your life plays out depends on which dominoes you chose to push over and which ones you leave alone.”
― Dan Gutman, The Homework Machine

“In and effort to be fair, an umpire will sometimes cheat.”
― Dan Gutman, It Ain't Cheating If You Don't Get Caught

“No matter what ya do to help somebody, it'll hurt somebody else.”
― Dan Gutman, The Kid Who Became President

“Thats the first rule of being a kid”
― -A.J. Dan Gutman, Mr. Klutz Is Nuts!

“...baseball freely admits that the sport--like civilized society--is crawling with bums.”
― Dan Gutman, It Ain't Cheating If You Don't Get Caught

“You wanna grow up to be a trivia question?" she asked, challenging me. "Or do you wanna make a difference in the world?”
― Dan Gutman, The Kid Who Became President

“ASSUME is to make an ASS of U and ME.”
― Dan Gutman, License to Thrill

“They had been attacked by guys in golf carts with blow guns, jumped off a cliff, been locked in a burning school, and had their heads stapled, but putting coins in a slot machine was considered too dangerous for kids. Go figure.”
― Dan Gutman, Mission Unstoppable

“I bet you guys can’t name three things invented in Nebraska,” Coke asked the family. “No, but I’m sure you can,” his sister replied. “Kool-Aid, CliffsNotes, and Eskimo Pies!”
― Dan Gutman, Mission Unstoppable

“Pennsylvania is a state of firsts. They had the first hospital in America. The first library and zoo. They had the first newspaper, the first TV and radio broadcasts. Pennsylvania had the first capital of the United States. And most importantly, the banana split was invented here!”
― Dan Gutman, Never Say Genuis

“I want you to open that cabinet over the sink slowly,” Officer Spence ordered. “And then back away. No false moves, Cooney!” Mrs. Cooney went and opened the cabinet over the sink. There were some bandages in there and some bottles of aspirin. “Aha!” Officer Spence hollered. “Aspirin! Can you get that stuff in a drugstore?” “Well, yes, of course,” Mrs. Cooney said. “Just as I suspected!” Officer Spence shouted. “You’re a drug dealer!” “WHAT?!” “You’re handing out drugs to innocent children!” Officer Spence yelled as he wheeled in a portable jail cell. “You should be ashamed of yourself. How do you sleep at night?” “I take NyQuil,” Mrs. Cooney said.”
― Dan Gutman, Officer Spence Makes No Sense!

“*It is a known fact that if you stand up on a chair, put your fingers in your ears, and announce “I love turnips,” people will think you’re weird.”
― Dan Gutman, Mr. Sunny Is Funny!

“Did you know that the state song of Kansas is ‘Home on the Range’?”
― Dan Gutman, Mission Unstoppable

“Hey soda girl. You're flat.”
― Dan Gutman

“Alan Shepard was the first and only interplanetary golfer,” Coke told his sister. “He was also the first and only interplanetary litterbug,” Moe said. “What he did was disgraceful.”
― Dan Gutman, License to Thrill

“In the A box, type Albuquerque NM. In the B box, type Lupton AZ. Click Get Directions.”
― Dan Gutman, License to Thrill

“Every bad thing that happens in the world is good for somebody.”
― Dan Gutman

“You probably know that a raindrop falling into Lake Itasca in Minnesota will travel the length of the Mississippi and arrive at the Gulf of Mexico about ninety days later,” he said.”
― Dan Gutman, From Texas with Love

“Are you a spy?” Pep asked, trembling. “Do I look like a spy?” the guy asked. “Yes.” “Then I’m not a spy. Because if I was a spy and I looked like a spy, then I wouldn’t be a very good spy, now would I?” “No, I guess not,” Pep said. “A good spy wouldn’t look at all like a spy.” “Right, and because I look just like a spy, I couldn’t possibly be one, could I?” “No.” “But of course, if people are convinced that I’m not a spy, that would be the perfect cover for a real spy, wouldn’t it?” Coke looked at the guy closely. “You might be a bad spy,” he said. “I might be. Or I might be a guy pretending to be a bad spy.” “I’m confused,” said Pep.”
― Dan Gutman, Never Say Genuis

“all the boring rehash of what happened up to this point. That saves me a lot of time and effort.”
― Dan Gutman, License to Thrill

“toobleshmoot?”
― Dan Gutman, License to Thrill

“They had the first hospital in America. The first library and zoo. They had the first newspaper, the first TV and radio broadcasts. Pennsylvania had the first capital of the United States. And most importantly, the banana split was invented here!”
― Dan Gutman, Never Say Genuis

“ASS of U and ME.”
― Dan Gutman, License to Thrill

“Coke had a theory to explain grown-ups, as he did for most things in life. In his view, babies are born with a specific number of brain cells, which waste away and die off as people get older. So by the time they reach thirty—and certainly by the time they reach forty—most of their brain cells are gone. This explains why grown-ups do and say the things they do.”
― Dan Gutman, Mission Unstoppable