Bo Burnham > Quotes

“I love you just the way you are
but you don't see you like I do.
You shouldn't try so hard to be perfect.
Trust me, perfect should try to be you.”
― Bo Burnham, Egghead; or, You Can't Survive on Ideas Alone

“Well, man, you know what they say."
No, I don't. I don't know what they say.
I don't even know who they are.
Who is this they?
They seem pretty smug.
They seem to think they know shit.
Fuck them.”
― Bo Burnham, Egghead; or, You Can't Survive on Ideas Alone

“Read this to yourself. Read it silently.
Don't move your lips. Don't make a sound.
Listen to yourself. Listen without hearing anything.
What a wonderfully weird thing, huh?

NOW MAKE THIS PART LOUD!
SCREAM IT IN YOUR MIND!
DROWN EVERYTHING OUT.
Now, hear a whisper. A tiny whisper.

Now, read this next line in your best crotchety-
old man voice:
"Hello there, sonny. Does your town have a post office?"
Awesome! Who was that? Whose voice was that?
It sure wasn't yours!

How do you do that?
How?!
It must've been magic.”
― Bo Burnham

“Hanged"
I hung myself today. Hanged? Whatever,
the point is I hanged myself today and I’m still
hanging.

I feel fine. Just bored. I keep hoping that
someone will come home and cut me down
but then I keep remembering that if I knew
someone like that I wouldn’t be up here. Bit
ironic, right? Or is that not ironic? I read
somewhere that, like, anything funny is,
in some way, ironic. But I don’t know if it's
funny or not. I don’t think my brain owns
“funny”, you know?

I feel taller. I like that.
I’ve never been away from my shadow for
this long. It had always clung to my feet,
parting momentarily for a quick dive into
the swimming pool. But never for five
hours. I like it. There’s three feet of space
between my two and the floor.

I wanted something this morning. I may be
stuck. But at least I’m three feet closer to it.”
― Bo Burnham, Egghead; or, You Can't Survive on Ideas Alone

“What's important is that you stay true to yourself. Because when you enter the real world, the most valuable thing you can bring is all your you-ness. The world doesn't need any more hot chicks or tough guys or smooth talkers - the world needs more you. And don't let anyone tell you otherwise.”
― Bo Burnham

“Mmmmmm
I like that thing you do with your tongue. What do you call it? Speaking? Yeah, I dig it”
― Bo burnham, Egghead; or, You Can't Survive on Ideas Alone

“They say it's the 'me' generation. It's not. The arrogance is taught, or it was cultivated. It's self-conscious. That's what it is. It's conscious of self. Social media - it's just the market's answer to a generation that demanded to perform, so the market said, here - perform. Perform everything to each other, all the time, for no reason. It's prison - it's horrific. It's performer and audience melded together. What do we want more than to lie in our bed at the end of the day and just watch our life as a satisfied audience member. I know very little about anything. But what I do know is that if you can live your life without an audience, you should do it.”
― Bo Burnham

“Our father, who art in heaven,
hallowed be thy name,
hollow be thy promises
and shallow be thy shame.
Thy kingdom come.
Thy will be done
on earth as it is in heaven.
On a scale from on to ten,
our Lord is totally eleven.
Give us this day our daily bread,
toasted close to dawn,
and forgive us our trespasses
as we shoot those who trespass on our lawn,
and lead us not into temptation,
such as pot or porno,
but deliver us from evil
(if not delivery, then DiGiorno).”
― Bo Burnham, Egghead; or, You Can't Survive on Ideas Alone

“You How, may I ask, did you get so you, you beautiful true-to-you doer? I’ve met many today but can honestly say that I’ve never met anyone you-er.”
― Bo Burnham, Egghead: Or, You Can't Survive on Ideas Alone

“Forever and An Instant met up one day,
Had a short, but lovely talk,
then each went on it's way.”
― Bo Burnham, Egghead; or, You Can't Survive on Ideas Alone

“Fireflies Hey, fireflies! Fly higher, guys! Fly high above this place. Till a sky rise is a wire’s size. Then fly off into space. I catch stupid bugs in jars but you’re not bugs you’re baby stars!”
― Bo Burnham, Egghead: Or, You Can't Survive on Ideas Alone

“Imagination They say adults have no imagination. Not true. Just instead of dinosaurs and spaceships, they imagine silence and the new babysitter bent over the coffee table.”
― Bo Burnham, Egghead: Or, You Can't Survive on Ideas Alone

“If you were perfect, I’d tattoo this on my chest. If you were beautiful, I’d carve this into a tree trunk. If you were nice, I’d write this in a letter. But you’re none of those—”
― Bo Burnham, Egghead: Or, You Can't Survive on Ideas Alone

“Your afraid of sharks?
Really?
They don't even have bones!
They have cartilage.
Are you afraid of ears too?”
― Bo Burnham, Egghead; or, You Can't Survive on Ideas Alone

“Read this to yourself. Read it silently.
Don't move your lips. Don't make a sound.
Listen to yourself. Listen without hearing anything.
What a wonderfully weird thing, huh?

NOW MAKE THIS PART LOUD!
SCREAM IT IN YOUR MIND!
DROWN EVERYTHING OUT.
Now, hear a whisper. A tiny whisper.

Now, read this next line in your best crotchety-
old man voice:
"Hello there, sonny. Does your town have a post office?"
Awesome! Who was that? Whose voice was that?
It sure wasn't yours!

How do you do that?
How?!
It must've been magic.”
― Bo Burnham, Egghead; or, You Can't Survive on Ideas Alone

“Is there anything better than pussy? Yes, a really good book.”
― Bo Burnham

“Sully suffers from a stutter,
simple syllables will clutter,
stalling speeches up on beaches
like a sunken sailboat rudder.

Sully strains to say his phrases,
sickened by the sounds he raises,
strings of thoughts come out in knots,
he solves his sentences like mazes.

At night, he writes his thoughts instead
and sighs as they steadily rush from his head.”
― Bo Burnham, Egghead; or, You Can't Survive on Ideas Alone

“Big

When I was little,
I killed ants with a magnifying glass.
And now I'm big.
And I worry I'm doing the same thing with you.”
― Bo Burnham

“Bombs The first bomb dropped unheard, unlike the loudly dropped second and third; then the final bomb dropped from the sky to the ground and the last-seen bomb made the last-heard sound.”
― Bo Burnham, Egghead: Or, You Can't Survive on Ideas Alone

“Bitches and hoes don't exist because the hoes know Bo's a feminist.”
― Bo Burnham

“Judge Jesus I said, “You can’t judge me. Only Jesus can!” He said, “Well I can ’cause I’m a judge and ’cause you just killed a man.”
― Bo Burnham, Egghead: Or, You Can't Survive on Ideas Alone

“Flowers

On the third of June, at a minute past two,
where once was a person, a flower now grew.

Five daisies arranged on a large outdoor stage
in front of a ten-acre pasture of sage.

In a changing room, a lily poses.
At the DMV, rows of roses.

The world was much crueler an hour ago.
I’m glad someone decided to give flowers a go.”
― Bo Burnham, Egghead; or, You Can't Survive on Ideas Alone

“They “Well, man, you know what they say.” No, I don’t. I don’t know what they say. I don’t even know who they are. Who is this they? They seem pretty smug. They seem to think they know shit. Fuck them.”
― Bo Burnham, Egghead: Or, You Can't Survive on Ideas Alone

“Perfect I love you just the way you are but you don’t see you like I do. You shouldn’t try so hard to be perfect. Trust me, perfect should try to be you.”
― Bo Burnham, Egghead: Or, You Can't Survive on Ideas Alone

“My Rabbit’s Foot I’ve got a rabbit’s foot and I feel lucky that I have it, but I still know that it must’ve come from one unlucky rabbit.”
― Bo Burnham, Egghead: Or, You Can't Survive on Ideas Alone

“How fitting, she thought, that her words,
after tumbling in her head all day,
came out shrunken
like they were meant for a child.”
― Bo Burnham

“Gypsy
On Wednesday morning, clear and calm, I went to Astor Place.
And had a Gypsy read my palm or maybe just my face.
She said my heart was heavy and my head was stuffed with lies.
But things like that weren't on my hands, they hid behind my eyes.
The room is dull and dank and cold but at least I have a hand to hold.”
― Bo Burnham, Egghead; or, You Can't Survive on Ideas Alone

“Searching I’m not looking in every nook and cranny for it. I’ll do the nooks. No way I left my keys in some fucking cranny.”
― Bo Burnham, Egghead: Or, You Can't Survive on Ideas Alone

“I'll do that tomorrow. Then tomorrow comes and it's still today. Tomorrow is a relative term.

Makes Annie a lot more depressing”
― Bo Burnham

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“Read this to yourself. Read it silently.
Don't move your lips. Don't make a sound.
Listen to yourself. Listen without hearing anything.
What a wonderfully weird thing, huh?

NOW MAKE THIS PART LOUD!
SCREAM IT IN YOUR MIND!
DROWN EVERYTHING OUT.
Now, hear a whisper. A tiny whisper.

Now, read this next line in your best crotchety-
old man voice:
"Hello there, sonny. Does your town have a post office?"
Awesome! Who was that? Whose voice was that?
It sure wasn't yours!

How do you do that?
How?!
It must've been magic.”
― Bo Burnham, Egghead; or, You Can't Survive on Ideas Alone