J.B. Morton > Quotes

“One disadvantage of being a hog is that at any moment some blundering fool may try to make a silk purse out of your wife's ear.”
― J.B. Morton

“It is being said of a certain poet that though he tortures the English language, he has never yet succeeded in forcing it to reveal his meaning.”
― J.B. Morton, The Best of Beachcomber

“I was born to the sound of breaking glass. Not because my father was in the trade, but because it was his custom, learned from the Austrian Grand Duchess who nursed him, to smash a glass when he had drunk from it, As there were few glasses in Europe from which he did not drink as soon as he saw them, it may be readily imagined that after the shock of his first big deal on the Stock Exchange had worn off, and the bailiffs were quiescent for the moment, he bought a glass-works.”
― J.B. Morton, The Best of Beachcomber

“Not mamy of our old families can boast that a Savile Row tailor calls four times a year at their country estates to measure the scarecrows in the fields for new suits.”
― J.B. Morton, The Best of Beachcomber

“All over England loving hands are packing trunks and tuck-boxes for the young gentlemen of Narkover, who reassemble today. Eager young voices are heard shouting, 'Mater! Don't forget to put in that pack of cards with the nicked aces,' or 'Auntie Frances, where have you put my dud half-crowns?' From many a home the father is, alas, temporarily absent, behind bars, but the lonely mother has the consolation of seeing her boy develop in the way his father would have wished.”
― J.B. Morton, The Best of Beachcomber

“In the Christmas term a conjurer used to give a performance in the school Concert Hall. I remember how once he was disconcerted, during a card trick, by young Smart-Allick. The conjurer, stepping down amongst the audience, produced a card from Smart-Allick's pocket. My chum retaliated by producing a card from behind the conjurer's collar. The conjurer then took half a crown from my chum's ear, and my chum took a ten-bob note from the conjurer's wallet, three shillings from his trousers pocket, and a fountain-pen from his waistcoat. The headmaster interfered, and took a pound note from his son's coat pocket. The son at once got his father's watch. In a touching speech, the conjurer complained that he was four pounds down, and had lost his overcoat, a dozen stamps, his hat and his set of trick-cards.”
― J.B. Morton, The Best of Beachcomber

“Dr Smart-Allick, of Narkover, gave a powerful address in the Speech Hall last night.
He said that it was not always the timid fellow, with four conventional aces in his hand, who won the highest honours,
'"it is often," he said, "the fifth ace that makes all the difference between success and failure." He was loudly cheered from the fifth-form benches and at the end of the address a young master swarmed up a pillar and threw playing cards down among the boys.”
― J.B. Morton, The Best of Beachcomber