Colin Quinn > Quotes

“A lot of lip service gets paid to being honest, but no one really wants to hear it unless what's being said is the party line.”
― Colin Quinn

“I think the world honestly would be a much healthier place if instead of trying to find rationalizations for our bad behavior we would just say, "I was an asshole. Sure, there were reasons behind it, but that doesn't matter.”
― Colin Quinn, The Coloring Book: A Comedian Solves Race Relations in America

“The races are like America's children. White people are the firstborn, so they were Dad's favorite. Black people are the second kids, the abused ones, so they still hate Dad. Latinos are the third, caught in the middle and always trying to make peace between the other siblings. Asians are the youngest, and get good marks in school, but basically are just trying to keep their heads down and not get involved. And Native Americans are the old uncle who owns a house and everyone else in the family was like, "He's not using that! Let's move in!”
― Colin Quinn, The Coloring Book: A Comedian Solves Race Relations in America

“Thank God for immigrants. They're the only ones who have any personality left. They still allow themselves emotions, judgments, and all those qualities that we are "evolving" past. I don't know what they're saying, but I can tell they're speaking honestly.”
― Colin Quinn, The Coloring Book: A Comedian Solves Race Relations in America

“The Vikings thought they were big shots because they had boats. You know how obnoxious people get when they own a boat. They always want to go on the boat. "We're taking the boat out this weekend. It's supposed to be beautiful. Why don't you come? You never come. You're always working. You know how many people wish they would get invited to come on the boat? And you turn it down.”
― Colin Quinn, The Coloring Book: A Comedian Solves Race Relations in America

“To be American is to long for whatever our parents fled.”
― Colin Quinn, The Coloring Book: A Comedian Solves Race Relations in America

“We live the seven deadly sins every bit as much as they did in colonial times, only now they are digital: Facebook is envy. Twitter is wrath. Instagram is pride, lust, gluttony, greed, and sloth. The internet is original sin. It’s all the knowledge in the world. The tree of knowledge. And now we have it. But in Genesis humans aren’t supposed to have all that access to information, because we can’t handle it.”
― Colin Quinn, Overstated: A Coast-to-Coast Roast of the 50 States

“The tech boom was the best thing to happen to Indians. Why are they so good at this tech support stuff? Not just because they’re computer savvy. They’re also polite. That was what collapsed the British empire. They were too polite. Every other colony used violence to attain freedom. The Indians’ form of revolution was awkward silence until the British showed themselves out.”
― Colin Quinn, The Coloring Book: A Comedian Solves Race Relations in America

“A few years back, they jacked David Copperfield in West Palm Beach, for Chrissake. Yes, it's funny: "Yo, empty your pockets," and he pulls out a bunny rabbit. But it's also depressing. If someone who can make himself disappear isn't safe, who is?”
― Colin Quinn, The Coloring Book: A Comedian Solves Race Relations in America

“We are fun. But fun isn’t character. Character is in the ghosts of all the soldiers and hookers and farmers that still haunt our roads and trails.”
― Colin Quinn, Overstated: A Coast-to-Coast Roast of the 50 States

“If an Asian starts to gossip, everyone looks at him like, “Don’t you have homework?”
― Colin Quinn, The Coloring Book: A Comedian Solves Race Relations in America

“Go to a cultural center anywhere in the country, no matter where, and even if there are no Jews it’s the Maurice and Florence Rosenthal Center for Art of Wyoming, the Herman and Lillian Tannenbaum Historical Museum of NASCAR of Rural Arkansas. They love a plaque. If Jews have plaques they can die happy.”
― Colin Quinn, The Coloring Book: A Comedian Solves Race Relations in America

“Anybody that has to keep reminding you how peaceful they are is usually a psycho looking to put their fingers through your windpipe.”
― Colin Quinn, The Coloring Book: A Comedian Solves Race Relations in America

“know they didn’t save it. Nobody does when they get money. When I was on Saturday Night Live, I shouldn’t have been throwing cash around like the black sheep in the Saudi royal family on a weekend in Belgium.”
― Colin Quinn, Overstated: A Coast-to-Coast Roast of the 50 States

“Everybody in South Dakota had a neck tattoo before it was trendy. If you ask for a paper plate for your hot dog, they think you’re gay.”
― Colin Quinn, Overstated: A Coast-to-Coast Roast of the 50 States

“When you moved, you didn't know know your drug addict cousins were going to follow you and ruin everything and use your good name to get people to trust them. Well, that's the history of America. It was decent people trying to escape their past and not realizing you can never escape your past; it follows you and ruins your credit rating.”
― Colin Quinn, Overstated: A Coast-to-Coast Roast of the 50 States

“So essentially, the Declaration of Independence was Annie Hall—it was brilliant but only enjoyed by white people.”
― Colin Quinn, Overstated: A Coast-to-Coast Roast of the 50 States

“I knew NY was finished when I came back from a two-year stint in L.A. in ’93 and there was a Domino’s Pizza on Coney Island Avenue. I swear to God, I almost started crying.”
― Colin Quinn, The Coloring Book: A Comedian Solves Race Relations in America

“Even a guy like Jim Norton is clinging to his one empty tradition like anyone gives a care. My prayers for his death, as always, went unanswered.”
― Colin Quinn, The Coloring Book: A Comedian Solves Race Relations in America

“Nobody wants to be judged on their twenty-year-old tramp stamp as they lean over to slap their eight-year-old daughter who’s wearing a shirt that says JAILBAIT.”
― Colin Quinn, Overstated: A Coast-to-Coast Roast of the 50 States

“You have to value what you do if you want everyone else to. I learned that once when I did a show in New Jersey with no cover charge. I had this delusion that the crowd was going to be great, because they'd be getting something for free. No, they were the worst. As a rule, the more an audience has to pay, the better crowd they are. People don't appreciate something that comes for free, so you have to feel confident enough to demand what you're worth.”
― Colin Quinn, The Coloring Book: A Comedian Solves Race Relations in America

“Comedians are reality checks for everyone. That's why we also have a moral obligation to take down heckler.”
― Colin Quinn, The Coloring Book: A Comedian Solves Race Relations in America

“Like I would like to die onstage at the Comedy Cellar and then have Jim Norton have to follow me. And I’ll be on a cloud watching him bomb as he tries to make some “edgy” joke about my death and the crowd just stares at him.”
― Colin Quinn, Overstated: A Coast-to-Coast Roast of the 50 States

“Like Silicon Valley back in the 90s. The nerds were suddenly the kings of the valley. They spent the 70s getting slapped around their towns and the 80s being computer geeks, and by the 90s they were the equivalent of football heroes. Hipsters came out of that. Hipsters were nerds rebelling against nerds. SoCal, Northern California took over your business and gave it out for free on YouTube!!”
― Colin Quinn, Overstated: A Coast-to-Coast Roast of the 50 States

“A man like Jim Norton would want to walk cautiously around there. He might get snatched up off the side of a mountain after being mistaken for a baby goat. Watching his flailing legs as he’s carted off to become lunch for a family of eagles would probably be visually hilarious, but it’s pretty horrible when you think about it.”
― Colin Quinn, Overstated: A Coast-to-Coast Roast of the 50 States

“Remember this: It’s never my fault. Either I’m funny and you love me, or I’m funny and you’re socialized against me.”
― Colin Quinn, The Coloring Book: A Comedian Solves Race Relations in America

“They were the last state to say “I love you” to their kids. It’s not that Minnesotans don’t love their kids; they just believe you say it through work.”
― Colin Quinn, Overstated: A Coast-to-Coast Roast of the 50 States

“No one had ever seen working people with self-esteem before America. Before America, working people took abuse and felt like they deserved it.”
― Colin Quinn, Overstated: A Coast-to-Coast Roast of the 50 States