Katrin Bentley > Quotes

“In a successful relationship both partners should be able to uplift, inspire and energize each other. In an Asperger marriage this energy exchange doesn’t seem to take place. Usually the ‘neurotypical’ hands out energy but receives none in return, and thus feels permanently exhausted. Due to the high stress and anxiety levels, the AS partner finds it difficult to sustain his energy and therefore has little left to share. Whatever exists he retains to satisfy any personal requirements. It’s a kind of self-preservation technique. In addition to this, communication problems aggravate the situation by creating an invisible barrier which prevents energy flow.”
― Katrin Bentley, Alone Together: Making an Asperger Marriage Work

“forget people with AS can be really fun and interesting to be with when they are relaxed.”
― Katrin Bentley, Alone Together: Making an Asperger Marriage Work

“you have a partner with AS don’t think you aren’t loved, it’s just not easy for him to show it. Try not to make him feel like a failure when he doesn’t behave as you’d expect him to. It’s difficult to learn under pressure and people with AS don’t like to make mistakes. Showing love requires body language, facial expression, compassion, intuition, tolerance and understanding. It’s a very complex process. Imagine trying to show somebody that you love them, while your hands are tied behind your back, you’re wearing a blindfold and have tape over your mouth stopping you from speaking!”
― Katrin Bentley, Alone Together: Making an Asperger Marriage Work

“It seems everyday life doesn’t necessarily energize AS people. On the contrary it can have a draining effect.”
― Katrin Bentley, Alone Together: Making an Asperger Marriage Work

“After many years of their trying to understand each other and adjust to very different relationship needs, there was a revelation - Gavin had the classic signs of Asperger’s Syndrome. At last there was an explanation for Gavin’s personality, abilities and behaviour and Katrin’s loneliness and frustration. With this knowledge came a dramatic change in the quality of the relationship. Katrin discovered strategies, based on her increasing understanding of the characteristics of Asperger’s Syndrome, to make an Asperger marriage work.”
― Katrin Bentley, Alone Together: Making an Asperger Marriage Work

“Once we discovered that Asperger’s Syndrome was the cause of our endless misunderstandings we were able to come to terms with our different way of thinking. I have read various books to help me understand the behaviours that are part of the condition. Thanks to the knowledge we’ve gained, we’ve been able to get our marriage back on track.”
― Katrin Bentley, Alone Together: Making an Asperger Marriage Work

“Constant lack of support is a big issue in Asperger marriages, that’s why I’d like to extend this a bit further with another analogy. Imagine that you are going for a hike in the mountains with two other couples. You are planning to stay overnight in a hut and return the next day. The climb up to the summit is very hard and strenuous. Your girl friends, who are wearing sandals, soon feel exhausted and the husbands decide to give them a piggyback. You’re also tired but your partner doesn’t seem to care, instead he lets you drag him up the hill. You might be annoyed and resent the fact that you have to climb up by yourself, but don’t forget in the end it will make you stronger. If you climb a mountain knowing that your husband suffers from asthma, you wouldn’t expect him to carry you. Instead you would slow down and make sure that he doesn’t exhaust himself. You’d realize that in pushing him to accelerate or, even worse, carry you, he might suffer an asthma attack. Surely you wouldn’t want that. So don’t expect to be carried, instead wear good shoes, take food and drink along and be strong enough to reach the summit without your partner’s help.”
― Katrin Bentley, Alone Together: Making an Asperger Marriage Work