Kate Bornstein > Quotes

“Gender is not sane. It's not sane to call a rainbow black and white.”
― Kate Bornstein

“It's easy to fictionalize an issue when you're not aware of the many ways in which you are privileged by it.”
― Kate Bornstein, Gender Outlaws: The Next Generation

“The first question we usually ask new parents is: “Is it a boy or a girl?”.
There is a great answer to that one going around: “We don’t know; it hasn’t told us yet.” Personally, I think no question containing “either/or” deserves a serious answer, and that includes the question of gender.”
― Kate Bornstein, Gender Outlaw: On Men, Women and the Rest of Us

“Never fuck anyone you wouldn't want to be.”
― Kate Bornstein, Gender Outlaw: On Men, Women and the Rest of Us

“I have this idea that every time we discover that the names we're being called are somehow keeping us less than free, we need to come up with new names for ourselves, and that the names we give ourselves must no longer reflect a fear of being labeled outsiders, must no longer bind us to a system that would rather see us dead.”
― Kate Bornstein, Hello Cruel World: 101 Alternatives to Suicide for Teens, Freaks & Other Outlaws

“Instead of saying that all gender is this or all gender is that, let's recognize that the word gender has scores of meaning built into it. It's an amalgamation of bodies, identities, and life experiences, subconscious urges, sensations, and behaviors, some of which develop organically, and others which are shaped by language and culture. Instead of saying that gender is any one single thing, let's start describing it as a holistic experience.”
― Kate Bornstein, Gender Outlaws: The Next Generation

“I see fashion as a proclamation or manifestation of identity, so, as long as identities are important, fashion will continue to be important. The link between fashion and identity begins to get real interesting, however, in the case of people who don't fall clearly into a culturally-recognized identity.”
― Kate Bornstein, Gender Outlaw: On Men, Women and the Rest of Us

“Let’s stop “tolerating” or “accepting” difference, as if we’re so much better for not being different. Instead, let’s celebrate difference, because in this world it takes a lot of guts to be different and to act differently.”
― Kate Bornstein, Hello Cruel World: 101+ Alternatives to Suicide for Teens, Freaks, and Other Outlaws

“And keep in mind that the you that makes life worthy of living today won’t be the same you that makes life worth living this time next year. Identities aren’t meant to be permanent. They’re like cars: they take us from one place to another. We work, travel, and seek adventure in them until they break down beyond repair. At that point, living well means finding a new model that better suits us for a new moment.”
― Kate Bornstein, Hello Cruel World: 101 Alternatives to Suicide for Teens, Freaks & Other Outlaws

“Let's stop pretending that we have all the answers, because when it comes to gender, none of us is fucking omniscient.”
― Kate Bornstein, Gender Outlaws: The Next Generation

“You can have great autonomy in the things you choose to learn and pursue on your own time. When you're learning things that interest you, challenge you, and make life worth living, getting an education can be blissful and stimulating.”
― Kate Bornstein, Hello Cruel World: 101 Alternatives to Suicide for Teens, Freaks & Other Outlaws

“We can't ignore right-wing demagogues who insist that the word of the doctor who proclaims a child's sex at birth somehow holds more sway over the reality of the body than the word of the person who inhabits it. - Gwendolyn Ann Smith”
― Kate Bornstein, Gender Outlaws: The Next Generation

“We just want to identify the “real” freaks, so we can feel closer to normal. In reality, not a single one of us is so magically normative as to claim the right to separate out the freaks from everyone else. We are all freaks to someone. Maybe even—if we’re honest—to ourselves.”
― Kate Bornstein, Gender Outlaws: The Next Generation

“Disney will never make a movie about my life story, and that's a shame--I'd make a really cute animated creature.”
― Kate Bornstein, A Queer and Pleasant Danger: The True Story of a Nice Jewish Boy Who Joins the Church of Scientology and Leaves Twelve Years Later to Become the Lovely Lady She is Today

“No matter how your world falls apart-and honey, that's what happens: we all build ourselves a world, and then it falls apart-but no matter how that happens, you still have the kind heart you've had since you were a child, and that's all that really counts.”
― Kate Bornstein, A Queer and Pleasant Danger: The True Story of a Nice Jewish Boy Who Joins the Church of Scientology and Leaves Twelve Years Later to Become the Lovely Lady She is Today

“Safe gender is being who and what we want to be when we
want to be that, with no threat of censure or violence.
Safe gender is going as far in any direction as we wish,
With no threat to our health, or anyone else’s.
Safe gender is not being pressured into passing, not
Having to lie, not having to hide.

Sane gender is asking questions about gender - talking
To people who do gender, and opening up about our
Gender histories and our gender desires.
Sane gender is probably very, very funny.

Consensual gender is respecting each others’ definition
Of gender, and respecting the wishes of some to be alone,
And respecting the intentions of others to be inclusive in
Their own time.
Consensual gender is non-violent in that it doesn’t force
Its way in on anyone.
Consensual gender opens its arms and welcomes all
People as gender outcasts - whoever is willing to admit it.”
― Kate Bornstein

“Happy is a poor word for someone who's trying to live a rainbow-colored life in a black-and-white world.”
― Kate Bornstein, Hello Cruel World: 101 Alternatives to Suicide for Teens, Freaks & Other Outlaws

“There's no such thing as hurting someone for their own good. There's only hurting someone for your own good.”
― Kate Bornstein, A Queer and Pleasant Danger: The True Story of a Nice Jewish Boy Who Joins the Church of Scientology and Leaves Twelve Years Later to Become the Lovely Lady She is Today

“Given any binary, it's fun to look for some hidden third, and the reason why the third was hidden says a lot about culture. The choice between two of something is not a choice at all, but rather the opportunity to subscribe to the value system which holds the two presented choices as mutually exclusive alternatives. Once we choose one or the other, we've bought into the system that perpetuates the binary.”
― Kate Bornstein, Gender Outlaw: On Men, Women and the Rest of Us

“When we talk about my gender as though it were a performance, we let the audience - with all their expectations, prejudices, and presumptions - completely off the hook. - Scott Turner Schofield”
― Kate Bornstein, Gender Outlaws: The Next Generation

“While railing against the manufactured prerequisites of womanhood or manhood, we need to avoid manufacturing our own prerequisites. The non-operative journey and the objection to it illustrate just one area in which we need to open our thinking to other journeys while expecting that others respect our own. - Mercedes Allen”
― Kate Bornstein, Gender Outlaws: The Next Generation

“We change our attitudes, our careers, our relationships. Even our age changes minute by minute. We change our politics, our moods, and our sexual preferences. We change our outlook, we change our minds, we change our sympathies. Yet when someone changes hir gender, we put hir on some television talk show. Well, here’s what I think: I think we all of us do change our genders. All the time. Maybe it’s not as dramatic as some tabloid headline screaming “She Was A He!” But we do, each of us, change our genders. In response to each interaction we have with a new or different person, we subtly shift the kind of man or woman, boy or girl, or whatever gender we’re being at the moment. We’re usually not the same kind of man or woman with our lover as we are with our boss or a parent. When we’re introduced for the first time to someone we find attractive, we shift into being a different kind of man or woman than we are with our childhood friends. We all change our genders.”
― Kate Bornstein, My Gender Workbook: How to Become a Real Man, a Real Woman, the Real You, or Something Else Entirely

“I think gender can take a lesson from sadomasochism (S/M): gender needs to be safe, sane, and consensual.

Gender is not safe.
If i change my gender, I'm at risk of homocide, suicide or a life devoid of half my responsibilities.
If I'm born with a body that gives mixed gender signals, I'm at risk of being butchered - fixed, mutilated.
Gender is not safe.

And gender is not sane.
It's not sane to call a rainbow black and white.
It's not sane to demand we fit into one or the other only.
It's not sane that we classify people in order to oppress them as women or glorify them as men.
Gender is not sane.

And gender is not consensual.
We're born: a doctor assigns us a gender. It's documented by the state, enforced by the legal profession, sanctified by the church, and it's bought and sold in the media.
We have no say in our gender - we're not allowed to question it, play with it, work it out with our friends, lovers or family.
Gender is not consensual.

Safe gender is being who and what we want to be when we want to be that, with no threat censure or violence.
Safe gender is going as far in an direction as we wish with not threats to our health, or to anyone else's.
Safe gender is not being pressured into passing, not having to lie, not having to hide.

Sane gender is asking questions about gender - talking to people who do gender and opening up about our gender histories and our gender desires.
Sane gender is probably very, very funny.

Consensual gender is respecting each others definitions of gender , and respecting the intentions of others to be inclusive in their own time.
Consensual gender is non violent in that it doesn't force its way in on anyone.
Consensual gender opens its arms and welcomes all people as gender outcasts - whoever is willing to admit to it.

Gender has a lot to learn from S/M.”
― Kate Bornstein, Gender Outlaw: On Men, Women and the Rest of Us

“We have looked for myths that include us in great novels, music, the latest comic book, or even some stupid advertising campaign. We'll look anywhere for a mythology that embraces people like ourselves.”
― Kate Bornstein, Hello Cruel World: 101 Alternatives to Suicide for Teens, Freaks & Other Outlaws

“You are worthy and capable of finding a way to live your life just the way you really are. And there are plenty of good people in the world who believe that a life like yours needs to be lived.”
― Kate Bornstein, Hello Cruel World: 101+ Alternatives to Suicide for Teens, Freaks, and Other Outlaws

“Definitions have their uses in much the same way that road signs make it easy to travel: they point out the directions. But you don't get where you're going when you just stand underneath some sign, waiting for it to tell you what to do.”
― Kate Bornstein, Gender Outlaw: On Men, Women and the Rest of Us

“Those times when I couldn’t stand what I was, and I didn’t know how I could possibly be something else.”
― Kate Bornstein, Hello Cruel World: 101+ Alternatives to Suicide for Teens, Freaks, and Other Outlaws

“Instead of saying that all gender is this or all gender id that, let's recognize that the word gender has scores of meanings built into it. It's an amalgamation of bodies, identities, and life experiences, subconscious urges, sensations, and behaviours, some of which develop organically, and others which are shaped by language and culture. Instead of saying that gender is any one single thing, let's start describing it as a holistic experience.”
― Kate Bornstein S. Bear Bergman

“Try This: Imagine the world as a place where anyone can safely and even joyfully express themselves the way they’ve always wanted to. Nothing about the bodies they were born with or what they choose to do with those bodies – how they dress them, or decorate, or trim or augment them – would get people laughed at, or targeted, or in any way deprived of their rights. Can you imagine a world like that?”
― Kate Bornstein, Hello Cruel World: 101 Alternatives to Suicide for Teens, Freaks & Other Outlaws

“Trauma or no, I would have been trans no matter what body I'd been born with. Tell the doctors that we exist for the health of humanity, which needs to find wholeness and belief in complexity. Girl in boy's body or boy inside a girl; call it fate or biology, will, or spiritual choice. But I was not born in the wrong body.
-Scott Turner Schofield, "The Wrong Body”
― Kate Bornstein S. Bear Bergman