Tucker Max > Quotes

“Ladies, let me give you some advice. You can throw all your stupid fucking chick-lit, self-help, why-doesn't-he-love-me books out, because this is all you need to know: Men will treat you the way you let them. There is no such thing as "deserving" respect; you get what you demand from people.. if you demand respect, he will either respect you or he won't associate with you. It really is that simple.”
― Tucker Max, I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell

“... the devil doesn't come dressed in a red cape and pointy horns. He comes as everything you've ever wished for ...”
― Tucker Max, Assholes Finish First

“No one has it all figured out, especially not the people who are acting like they do and judging you because of it. Pretending to be something you aren't because you're trying to please a bunch of judgmental hypocrites and shitheads is not the way to be happy. Living the life you want to live is. It really is that simple.”
― Tucker Max, Assholes Finish First

“I'm fresh out of fucks to give.”
― Tucker Max

“I stop paying attention because as much as I love beauty, I hate stupidity, and seeing the two combined pisses me off.”
― Tucker Max, I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell

“8:58 We go to McDonald's. The woman in front of me in line spends more than five seconds contemplating her order. This infuriates me, "WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?? MC-SEABASS?? IT'S THE GODDAMN MCDONALDS'S MENU, IT'S BEEN THE SAME FOR TEN YEARS! IT'S ALL MCSHIT!JUST ORDER!”
― Tucker Max, I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell

“If people try to judge you or shame you for doing safe, consensual things that make you happy, I can guarantee you they're bad people.”
― Tucker Max, Assholes Finish First

“Men will treat you the way you let them. There is no such thing as 'deserving' respect; you get what you demand from people.”
― Tucker Max, I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell

“You look like the type of people who would criticize a misspelling in a suicide note.”
― Tucker Max, Assholes Finish First

“Two girls called me closed minded. I tell them that they are so open-minded their brains leaked out.”
― Tucker Max

“I find it truly appalling that there are people in the world like you. You are a disgusting, vile, repulsive, repugnant, foul creature. Because of you, I don't believe in God anymore. No just God would allow someone like you to exist. (Quoting feedback from a reader)”
― Tucker Max, I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell

“I could never kill myself. What if it doesn't work. Then I'll have failed at the only thing that could save me from my failures. Where do you go from there?”
― Tucker Max, Assholes Finish First

“She is trying to convince me that she never does this and is not that type of girl. It was difficult for me to understand. Her enunciation wasn’t very good with my dick in her mouth.”
― Tucker Max, I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell

“I never understand why women think drama and bullshit are attractive to guys. They’re not. I’m going to be real clear about this, ladies, so pay attention: Prince Charming doesn't come to rescue cunty lunatics.”
― Tucker Max, Hilarity Ensues

“Random Girl after a hookup: "Do you love me"
Tucker: "I don't understand the question.”
― Tucker Max, I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell

“WAKE UP! WE'RE LATE FOR DRINKING!!”
― Tucker Max, Assholes Finish First

“My favorite random email I got was from some guy who wrote: "Mr. Max, with the hope of a six year old on the night before Christmas asking about Santa, I ask the same question: Do you really exist?”
― Tucker Max, I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell

“This may come as a shock to some of you, but I have a slightly volatile personality. I don’t suffer fools well.”
― Tucker Max, Hilarity Ensues

“There are fun nights, there are crazy nights, and then there are those nights that make men legends.”
― Tucker Max, I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell

“Ladies let me give you some advice: Men will treat you the way you let them. There is no such thing as “deserving” respect; you get what you demand from people,”
― Tucker Max, I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell

“Look, I know everything is shitty right now, but if you don't stop acting like such a bitch, someones gonna fuck that pussy on your face.”
― Tucker Max, Assholes Finish First

“I’ve heard 14 year old meth addicted thai prostitutes say more prescient things than the woman that was supposedly a “professor”
― Tucker Max, I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell

“The rules your parents teach you to live by are very different than the rules the world actually runs by. Most of the conventional wisdom is not only wrong, it's a lie told to us by people who want to control us. It doesn't help us, it helps them. Pretty much everything we're told as children (and adults, really) by the established power structures in our lives are made up fairytales us to reinforce that control: Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the tooth fairy, fat-free frozen dinners, religion, and metering lights on the highway--the list goes on”
― Tucker Max, Hilarity Ensues

“It is better to ask for forgiveness then permission.”
― Tucker Max

“I hadn't realized how supremely shit-housed I was until we stumbled into our room at the Embassy Suites. You ever been so drunk you forgot that you have to shit until the last minute? Well I was at that stage. I nearly had my pants completely off when SlingBlade snaked past me and got into the toilet first. Fine, I go get out of my bar clothes and change into a t-shirt and pink Gap boxers to sleep in. I wait patiently for about three minutes, then I start pounding on the door, screaming at him that I am going to shit on his bed if he doesn't get out of there.

A short time later he opens the door laughing his ass off, and says, "That was perhaps the most prodigious shit ever. I just put that toilet into therapy."

I take a gander into the bathroom. It looks like Revelations. The toilet is overflowing, brown shit water is spilling out all over the bathroom floor, and the tank is making demonic gurgling noises.

THE MOTHERFUCKER CLOGGED UP A HOTEL TOILET!

Hotel toilets are industrial size; they are designed to be able to accommodate repeated elephant-sized shits, and their ram-jet engine flushes generate enough force to suck down a human infant, yet skinny ass 170-pound SlingBlade completely killed ours.”
― Tucker Max

“Motherfucker. She leaves me no choice. Now I have to break her self-esteem, sleep with her and steal the shirt.”
― Tucker Max, Assholes Finish First

“I take a lull from my CamelBak and choke at its potency. It tastes like bad decisions. It's perfect.”
― Tucker Max, Assholes Finish First

“FK THAT. I AM TUCKER MAX. I AM BETTER THAN ALL OF YOU.”
― Tucker Max, I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell

“Girl3 "You don't have to be a jerk"
SlingBlade "Quite the contrary, my sloppy penile scholar.Order me another drink and be quick about it.”
― Tucker Max, I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell

“See, what you're talking about is why hanging out with ME would be fun for YOU. It doesn't explain anything about why it'd be fun for ME. You don't bring banter. You aren't witty. You aren't funny. There is nothing to pick from your brain. You're looking for me to entertain you. A relationship is an exchange, not a one-way street. Look beyond your own personal desires for a second and understand what you bring to the exchange- nothing.”
― Tucker Max, Hilarity Ensues