Heide Goody > Quotes

“He had decided that if he ever returned to his old job he would create a special level of hell, an enormous inescapable shop of attractive but useless and overpriced items that the damned would wander for eternity in the cold delusion that this was what they wanted. And then Nerys had taken him to IKEA and Clovenhoof realised the humans had once again beaten him to it.”
― Heide Goody, Clovenhoof

“Yes, it is the end of the world. Yes, we are all going to die. But we are British. These things still need doing in an orderly manner and there is certainly no excuse to get all emotional about it.”
― Heide Goody, Oddjobs

“Remember Sodom and Gomorrah? A city destroyed because some of the men were gay!" "Now, you weren’t there, Andy." "And you were?" "No," Michael lied, "but it really wasn’t about sexuality.”
― Heide Goody, Pigeonwings

“There has also been the problem of the disquieting rumblings from my gut. I had a fearful prescience that something truly foul and hellish wishes to escape my fundament. I fight it as I would fight the very devil (who lives in the flat above) and so far I have managed to quell and contain my riotous innards.”
― Heide Goody, Pigeonwings

“Nerys looked at them. It was the sad, affectionate, look of a woman who’s about to have a favourite puppy made into a nice pair of gloves.”
― Heide Goody, Clovenhoof

“There were first editions of Lang’s Red, Blue and Green Fairy Books, an incredibly old binding of the works of the Brothers Grimm and a nice imprint of WB Yeats’ Irish Fairy and Folk Tales among others.”
― Heide Goody, Disenchanted, Sprite Brigade #3

“Trust a bloody angel to take four sentences and two Biblical references to say, ‘bugger me, isn’t there a lot of choice at Tesco.”
― Heide Goody, Pigeonwings

“Actually, Jeremy Clovenhoof decided, stopping outside the door of flat 1a, if there was one advantage to being the devil, it was the horns. From opening beer bottles to ruining perfectly decent hats to using them to store doughnuts, bagels and naan breads when your hands were otherwise busy, horns were the business.”
― Heide Goody, Pigeonwings

“Ooh, beetroot,” Ben said, as he gazed at the salad. “Gotta love beetroot, for making it through the digestive tract. It adds colour to your life today and tomorrow.”
― Heide Goody, Clovenhoof

“All suffering means all suffering,” Peter said, “and some has been assessed as merely satisfactory. It’s not good enough.” “Surely satisfactory means that it is good enough,” said Satan. “Not anymore,” said Peter.”
― Heide Goody, Clovenhoof

“He was stark bollock naked?” said Nerys, laughing. “Like a newborn baby. And there were these two old ladies just staring at him, goggle-eyed.” “I’m surprised one of them didn’t have a stroke,” said Nerys. “Couldn’t reach,” said Ben,”
― Heide Goody, Clovenhoof

“NO, the Library of Birmingham is not home to a shadowy organisation that monitors alien-god behaviour in the city.”
― Heide Goody, Oddjobs

“Sorry,” she said, squeezing past. “Off to get myself a man.” “At this time of day?” “Supermarkets are already open.”
― Heide Goody, Clovenhoof

“Nerys wondered if there was anyone she could really count as a friend. She’d always had best friends at school. A series of complicated affiliations that could change with a swift and crushing blow if one of them wore the wrong outfit or liked the wrong music. A couple of those friendships had lasted into her teens and she cursed herself for messing things up by sleeping with Claire’s boyfriend. And Catherine’s dad. She might have got away with it if they weren’t both at the same time.”
― Heide Goody, Clovenhoof

“eBay had also removed several listings for him and sent him a stern message regarding inappropriate postings. He thought something ridiculous had to come to pass when one was barred from selling animals, old ladies and contract killings over the internet.”
― Heide Goody, Clovenhoof

“Satan nodded. “People are turning their backs on religion.” “It’s not so much that,” Mulciber said, “but it seems more acceptable than ever now to be religious and to treat people badly. You have crazy fundamentalists in every religion. They hate gays, foreigners, women. You name it, they’ll find you a reason in the bible or whatever to hate it.”
― Heide Goody, Clovenhoof

“Clovenhoof had orchestrated great plans and co-ordinated many minions in the pursuit of a single goal before. And getting demons to work together was like trying to herd cats. However, getting six year olds to do the right thing at the right time was like trying to herd neutrons in a nuclear reactor. They simply had too much energy. Before the morning was out, he had composed several angry letters to parents in his head on the subject of sugary cereal and snacks and why they should be replaced with a diet of gruel.”
― Heide Goody, Clovenhoof

“Mr Bark!” she called again. “We’d like to talk about your fish porn collection.”
― Heide Goody, Oddjobs

“The owner of this house is a psychotic loony. My mate, the wolf, has just eaten his favourite sheep. Said psychotic loony has gone out with a small army to kill the wolf, not that he’ll be stupid enough to stay within ten miles of this place, and when the psycho returns, I’m either going to have to marry him or find myself dead, dismembered and stuffed in his forbidden closet. I am leaving before they get back.”
― Heide Goody, Disenchanted, Sprite Brigade #3

“It’s so forbidden that the way there is practically lit up with neon signs. Maybe it is filled with the dismembered corpses of Mr Dainty’s previous wives.”
― Heide Goody, Disenchanted, Sprite Brigade #3

“Charged with gross incompetence, Satan is fired from his job as Prince of Hell and exiled to that most terrible of places: English suburbia.”
― Heide Goody, Oddjobs

“Clovenhoof looked at the man critically. He wasn’t what Clovenhoof regarded as a proper plumber. This young man’s jeans were secured with a belt above the bum-crack line, there wasn’t a cigarette poking out of the corner of his mouth or tucked behind his ear and, when he spoke to Clovenhoof, he didn’t address him as ‘guv’nor’.”
― Heide Goody, Pigeonwings

“NO, Birmingham taxi drivers are not in the thrall of an imprisoned god.”
― Heide Goody, Oddjobs

“Oh, and reward cards. Another insanely brilliant soul-destroying human innovation. Make life a game. Collect points. Earn rewards. Distract yourself from any genuine goals and ambitions.”
― Heide Goody, Clovenhoof

“Hail to the Beast!’ Dun. Dun. Dun.”
― Heide Goody, Clovenhoof

“Hah! This one’s fun. Do you want to pick up that pen, sir?” He indicated to Michael, who picked up the pen. “It looks very much like any ordinary pen. Now would you click the top please?” Michael held it at arm’s length as he clicked the top and the pen was somehow transformed into a lightweight pitchfork.”
― Heide Goody, Clovenhoof

“Clovenhoof stopped a shelf-stacker with a left breast called Barbara.”
― Heide Goody, Clovenhoof

“And when they were reading a book they wanted outside observers to see what kind of a person they were (or not, which was why sex-starved housewives liked Kindles).”
― Heide Goody, Holymoly

“If he could get hold of a skunk with halitosis, feed it kippers and laxatives for a week before having its anal glands squeezed in the back of the van, it still wouldn’t be enough.”
― Heide Goody, Sealfinger

“think the people of this country enjoy the prospect of misery and abuse.” “Is this going to be about the new prime minister?”
― Heide Goody, Clovenhoof's Diary: July