Julia Samuel > Quotes

“What is important is to come to an understanding together as to what the other person's 'language of love' is: do they feel loved through gestures, words or physical contact? What turns them off? when we learn how our partner best receives love, it enables us to be more confident when we give it and helps create a positive cycle.”
― Julia Samuel, This Too Shall Pass: Stories of Change, Crisis and Hopeful Beginnings

“Grief doesn’t hit us in tidy phases and stages, nor is it something that we forget and move on from; it is an individual process that has a momentum of its own, and the work involves finding ways of coping with our fear and pain, and also adjusting to this new version of ourselves, our “new normal.”
― Julia Samuel, Grief Works: Stories of Life, Death and Surviving

“Death steals the future we anticipated and hoped for, but it can’t take away the relationship we had.”
― Julia Samuel, Grief Works: Stories of Life, Death, and Surviving

“Love from others is key in helping us to survive the loss of a particular love. With their support, we can endeavor to find a way of bearing the pain and going on without the person who has died—daring to go forward to trust in life again.”
― Julia Samuel, Grief Works: Stories of Life, Death and Surviving

“I have regularly seen that it is not the pain of grief that damages individuals like Annie, and even whole families, sometimes for generations, but the things they do to avoid that pain.”
― Julia Samuel, Grief Works: Stories of Life, Death, and Surviving

“Grief {..} eschews avoidance and requires endurance, and forces us to accept that there are some things in this world that simply cannot be fixed.”
― Julia Samuel, Grief Works: Stories of Life, Death and Surviving

“Death is the great exposer: it forces hidden fault lines and submerged secrets into the open, and reveals to us how crucial those closest to us have been.”
― Julia Samuel, Grief Works: Stories of Life, Death and Surviving

“There is no difference in the objective compatibility between those couples who are unhappy and those who are happy.' Hudson found that couple who feel 'content and warmth in their relationship' don't believe having compatible personalities is the issue. On the contrary, they believe it was their attitude that made the relationship work. The strength of the relationship does not depend on how alike they are, more their willingness to adapt and build a bank of warmth and affection that helps buffer the annoyance of their differences. This supports the concept of the development of compatibility, having a growth mindset('I believe I can change') rather than a fixed mindset ('This is how I am'). Having an attitude of growth means going through difficulties and seeing them as an opportunity to know each other better and bolster the relationship through the resolution of the conflict.”
― Julia Samuel, This Too Shall Pass: Stories of Change, Crisis and Hopeful Beginnings

“Making meaning of our life, as opposed to seeking happiness, leads to long-term wellbeing.”
― Julia Samuel, This Too Shall Pass: Stories of Change, Crisis and Hopeful Beginnings

“At the beginning of one session when I asked carelessly, 'How are you?' Archie gently reminded me of my insensitivity. 'That's a difficult question, to which I only have a complicated answer.' I should have known better. The number of times friends and clients have told me people ask, 'How are you?' and they want to scream, 'How the hell do you think I am, given...?
I asked Archie if there was a better question, remembering the Sheryl Sandberg suggestion: 'How are you today?'
He said, 'I don't think people really want to hear the answer. They want to hear you're fine so they don't have to put a lot of effort in. I've noticed people tend to stay away now. My social network has shrunk. It isn't deliberate. They feel helpless... If they ask I tend to talk around the edges.'
I was moved by the truth of his words, and how isolating suffering can be. I told him I really wanted to know.”
― Julia Samuel, Every Family Has A Story: How we inherit love and loss

“Today we live in a highly connected world through travel, technology and globalization. In contrast, our internal systems have not adapted as fast as these changes. Primitively we are wired to see differences as a potential threat to our existence: 'stranger danger”
― Julia Samuel, This Too Shall Pass: Stories of Change, Crisis and Hopeful Beginnings

“what they need to do to manage it, they fare better. Those who choose active coping strategies, like talking about how they feel, fare better.”
― Julia Samuel, This Too Shall Pass: Stories of Change, Crisis and Hopeful Beginnings

“Anger cannot be argues away: that increases it. It needs to be listened to, and understood, to reduce its forces”
― Julia Samuel, This Too Shall Pass: Stories of Change, Crisis and Hopeful Beginnings

“An adult is a person who is accountable for their actions, how they affect others, as well as themselves, has higher impulse control than when they were young, and has the discipline to follow through on commitments.”
― Julia Samuel, This Too Shall Pass: Stories of Change, Crisis and Hopeful Beginnings