Andrew Heaton > Quotes

“At one point, field bocce was the only sport at the University of Oklahoma which included “dueling to the death” in its bylaws to settle a very specific and unlikely possible dispute. (This dispute never actually arose, although it nearly did, and Evan and I would have killed each other without hesitation out of respect for the game, had it come to it.) I believe the university has identified this provision and sadly dispensed with it. After”
― Andrew Heaton, Laughter is Better Than Communism

“There are good and bad arguments to all energy sources. But both get muddled in emotion, because either energy source becomes a cultural totem. It’s important that Americans look past the feelings which accompany solar panels or natural gas, if we’re ever going to have cost-effective, environmentally safe killer robots.”
― Andrew Heaton, Laughter is Better Than Communism

“When I first came to Washington in search of a career, many people advised me to “be a team player,” choose a party, and take lifelong aim squarely against the other. I think I am a team player, because in America we’re all ultimately on the same team. I”
― Andrew Heaton, Laughter is Better Than Communism

“There is a funeral, a candlelight vigil, and then an avalanche of angry letters from old people to Congress. Congress, frantic to do anything, absolutely anything, other than address the looming deficit crisis, springs into action. At”
― Andrew Heaton, Laughter is Better Than Communism

“Obligatory calorie labeling is reasonably benign, but ultimately pointless. If someone honestly doesn’t realize that a double quarter pounder with cheese is more likely to perpetuate their obesity than eating a bag of carrots, then they’re probably not observant enough to notice mandated calorie displays. Such a person is not awaiting a federally-induced epiphany. What”
― Andrew Heaton, Laughter is Better Than Communism

“We have more prisoners locked up on drug charges than the continent of Europe has in total prisoners. It’s”
― Andrew Heaton, Laughter is Better Than Communism

“Even if we have made the conscious decision to be nice to people we argue with, we’re still not going to be very good at it. Albert Mehrabian, a professor of psychology at UCLA, devised the 7-38-55 rule.30 Fifty-five percent of communication is through body language. People communicate 38 percent of their message through tone of voice. A mere 7 percent comes through spoken word. Social media is mostly text, so it’s easy to misattribute malice or sneers where there are none.”
― Andrew Heaton, Tribalism is Dumb: Where it Came From, How it Got So Bad, and What To Do About it

“The preliminary constitution’s list of organizational officers included a “Ball Guy” to “maintain any balls owned by the league collectively.” The university rejected this initial draft because “Ball Guy” implied gender specificity. Evan and I fixed this problem, then added “he or she” after each reference to the captain position as further evidence of our “open to women” policy. Then, for our own amusement, we shoehorned in hilarious jargon to see if they’d catch it. Here is an excerpt from the final ratified constitution: At”
― Andrew Heaton, Laughter is Better Than Communism

“Over the last year I’ve noticed that a surprising amount of Americans hate one or the other. I have a theory: solar panels and natural gas are totems. In anthropology, a “totem” is a symbol that serves as an emblem for a group of people. In our country, affiliation to one technology or the other quickly signifies your political tribe. In short, Republicans like things which explode and make loud noises (gas, petroleum, bombs) and Democrats like things which are techy, eco-friendly and generally don’t work very well (solar panels, wind power, automobiles powered by “hope”).”
― Andrew Heaton, Laughter is Better Than Communism

“Research shows that increased taxes on cigarettes and alcohol minimally influences moderate users, but not heavy drinkers and smokers (the ones who ostensibly need help). Heavy”
― Andrew Heaton, Laughter is Better Than Communism

“Heavy smokers and drinkers do not alter their habits, they simply spend more of their income on the taxes punishing their bad decisions. Thus higher cigarette taxes don’t trick chain smokers into a healthy lifestyle, it just makes them poor. Good job.”
― Andrew Heaton, Laughter is Better Than Communism

“My state’s constitution seems to contain a provision requiring that once every two years we must pass a bill which dazzles the entire country in its glittering, bejeweled stupidity. Not all of them are bad. I rather like the absurd ones. For instance, it is illegal to go whale hunting in Oklahoma. That law is certainly a nice gesture (whales both sing and have giant brains, putting them one point ahead of many legislators). But humpback poaching has never really been problematic in our part of the country, what with it being landlocked and all.”
― Andrew Heaton, Laughter is Better Than Communism

“In the Middle Ages it was a lot more fun to blame things like crop failure or redheads on witches, then set mouthy old women or cats on fire to try to fix the problem. The real reason for famine was in fact more complicated, and involved meteorology and low temperatures and fungal infections and whatnot. But an angry, starving mob didn’t understand explanations about wheat blights half as well as they understood “evil sorcerers” standing right across from them, ready to be skewered with pitchforks.”
― Andrew Heaton, Laughter is Better Than Communism

“The small and seemingly benign remit of student bodies has far-reaching effects. The whole idea behind student council is to prepare future citizens to run the country by exposing them to democratic practice. What lessons is it teaching them, then? That government is basically a popularity contest vested with the minor task of organizing fun events irrespective of actual responsibility. Because the really important decisions are quietly made by unelected people. Sound like any country you know? Student”
― Andrew Heaton, Laughter is Better Than Communism

“When I was a kid we had this stuff called “paper.” Every year millions upon millions of squids were hunted and squeezed to death for their ink to produce physical books. Publishing a book on forestry required leveling a small forest. Yet, despite a larger population, we have not run out of trees. Arbor Day didn’t save them. Private enterprise did—it invented USB flash drives, Kindles, and enough addictive video games to permanently dissuade children from ever touching a book. Earth’s”
― Andrew Heaton, Laughter is Better Than Communism

“So we call it “the estate tax,” which sounds very adult and respectable and vaguely French Revolution. Nobody really thinks of themselves has owning an “estate,” because the term conjures images of castles and butlers and possibly vampires. So the concept of its implementation seems distant and unlikely, even if we admit the possibility we might ourselves one day succumb to mortality. The notion behind the tax is that we don’t want these “estates” popping up all over the place, as it would lead to “castle overcrowding.” An estate tax takes big enough chunks of the money you leave behind after you die, discouraging castle speculation. Families must work harder to find tax loopholes and establish trust funds if they want to remain aristocrats. Discouraging”
― Andrew Heaton, Laughter is Better Than Communism

“Meanwhile, alt-right trolls perform a variant of virtue signaling called “unvirtue signaling,” where they flout the social norms and manners of pearl-clutching liberals. Saying terms that are offensive to or forbidden by the politically correct displays both contempt for the enemy tribe as well as bravery in combating it. Trolls”
― Andrew Heaton, Tribalism is Dumb: Where it Came From, How it Got So Bad, and What To Do About it

“Discouraging the formation of dynasties is particularly important. If a billionaire dies and leaves his money to his family, there are going to be a bunch of worthless nephews sitting around half-finished castles playing Nintendo all day. Since not everybody has a billionaire uncle, this would be unfair to poor people, who may not be able to afford Nintendos. Rich families could otherwise deploy their vast wealth to buy elections for themselves or others, as happened with presidents Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich. Hence”
― Andrew Heaton, Laughter is Better Than Communism

“We have more generals today than we did at the end of World War II, and more troops in Germany than during our occupation of it. If”
― Andrew Heaton, Laughter is Better Than Communism

“I don’t like getting pushed around by anybody: the government, corporations, or fat people on buses. Probably you feel the same way. It’s understandable then, that when a large corporation does something exquisitely evil or recklessly stupid, you may feel inclined to try to regulate the problem away with the help of the federal government. Assuming, of course, that Congress itself is neither evil nor recklessly stupid, which is a fascinating political position for you to take. Generally if you invite the government to regulate big industry you also invite big industry to pour lobbyists into Congress. Between the two they concoct a bill which makes things even better for the corporation you hate than it was before Congress started meddling. It’s called “regulatory capture,” and it’s worse than termites. To”
― Andrew Heaton, Laughter is Better Than Communism

“Most of the arguments I’ve heard against actual growth rely on emotional appeals. My liberal friends decry people like John D. Rockefeller, because he was so rich. Generally they don’t know if he actually did anything bad or not, they just assume that at some point he corralled herds of Irish children into coal mines using a buggy whip their grandfather made. Strangely,”
― Andrew Heaton, Laughter is Better Than Communism

“Another thing to consider is that with any given substance, studies indicate only about 2 percent of the population goes overboard and can’t handle it.”
― Andrew Heaton, Laughter is Better Than Communism

“Once, while I was in college, a guy nearly triggered an aneurism over the phone, overwhelmed with his anger at being bothered by ours and other campaigns calling him at home (to interrupt his supper). He announced he was going to vote for our principle opponent, because her campaign had not bothered him yet. It took two other campaign volunteers to restrain me from immediately calling back with a fake accent on behalf of her campaign. There”
― Andrew Heaton, Laughter is Better Than Communism