Dave Konig > Quotes

“Or, in this case, the Wiener and the Bun… Operator: 9-1-1 what is your emergency? Caller: Uhm, I have a question. Operator: Okay? Caller: Uhm, I tried to call my dad, my dog was mating with another dog and uh, his dick is stuck in her. Operator: Yes? Caller: Uhm, I don’t know what to do. Operator: Your dog? Caller: Yeah, he was mating with another dog. Operator: Well, that’s how it works. Caller: I know, but his dick is stuck in her and he’s trying to get it out! Operator: Well they, they, they lie like that for about 45 minutes after it happens. Caller: So, it stays like that? Operator: Yeah, the dogs stay like that for about 45 minutes after they mate. Caller: Oh, so his thing still needs to be attached in her? Operator: Yeah, that’s how it works.”
― Dave Konig, You Called 9-1-1 For What?

“Ma’am, we’re not going to go down there and enforce your Western Bacon Cheeseburger.”
― Dave Konig, You Called 9-1-1 For What?

“Operator: 9-1-1 what’s your emergency? Caller: Yeah uh, my wife got attacked by a warthog real bad and I need someone to come up with an ambulance and pick her up.  Operator: Okay sir, can you give me your address? Caller: Uh yeah, we’re at 1825 Eucalyptus Drive. Operator: Okay can you spell that for me sir? Caller: Uh… I’m a gonna drag her on over to Oak Street and you can pick her up there.”
― Dave Konig, You Called 9-1-1 For This?

“Operator: It’s the mother… Caller: You said if I need help to call somebody. Background Woman: I didn’t mean the police!”
― Dave Konig, You Called 9-1-1 For This?

“Caller: Honey, I’m just going to be honest with you, okay? I just thought he was cute, I’m 45 years old and I’d like to meet him again, but I don’t know how to go about doing that without calling 9-1-1. I know this is not absolutely in any way, shape, or form an emergency. But if you would give the officers my phone number and ask them to come back, other than I know they have terrible lots of things to do in Aloha. Uhm, would you mind? Operator: I’ll give them the message to call you. Caller: Thank you very much, bye bye. Operator: Bye bye. The 9-1-1 operator did indeed give the officers the message. They returned to place the caller under arrest for misusing the 9-1-1 system. She received two years probation, 100 hours community service, and paid over $500 in fines for her attempt at using 9-1-1 to arrange a date night.”
― Dave Konig, You Called 9-1-1 For What?

“Operator: Ma’am, we’re not going to go down there and enforce your Western Bacon Cheeseburger.”
― Dave Konig, You Called 9-1-1 For What?

“It just so happens that 9-1-1 is not one of those types of services… Operator: 9-1-1 do you need fire, medical, or police? Caller: No, ma’am I don’t. I don’t have an emergency, two police officers were at my house just now, can I get their names please? Operator: What was it? Caller: To get the music turned down… he’s the cutest cop I’ve seen in God knows how long. I just wanna know his name. Doesn’t come very often a good looking man comes at your doorstep. Could you send him back my way? Operator: You need us to come back there? Caller: Oh! I’d like that, yeah! Operator: Why do you need us to come back there? Caller: Uhm, because I have an emergency. I’ll, I’ll think of something. He’s cute. Would you send them back, I think they are partners, send them back my way, would you?”
― Dave Konig, You Called 9-1-1 For What?

“Fire/Rescue Dispatcher: …Ok and what’s going on there? Caller: That shit happened yesterday an you mutha f**kas tried to put my ass in jail.”
― Dave Konig, You Called 9-1-1 For This?

“If your child calls 9-1-1 by accident, don’t hang up. The call has already connected to the system even if the operator hasn’t answered yet. In all likelihood it will prompt at least a call back or even a response because it will be logged as an Unknown Condition. Stay on the line and explain to the operator that the call was an accident.”
― Dave Konig, You Called 9-1-1 For This?

“Caller: Uhm, I tried to call my dad, my dog was mating with another dog and uh, his dick is stuck in her.”
― Dave Konig, You Called 9-1-1 For What?

“Operator: Clark County Nine One One. Caller: Somebody’s really drunk driving down Granton Road. Operator: Okay where on Graton Road? Caller: Uh, there’s only like six miles through Granton and Hillsville. Operator: Which way are they going? Caller: They are going uhm… Operator: Towards Granton or towards Hillsville? Caller: Towards Granton. Operator: Okay are you behind them or…? Caller: No, I am them. Operator: You am them? Caller: Yes, I am them. Operator: Okay, so you want to call and report that you’re driving drunk? Caller: Yes. Operator: Okay, what’s your name? Caller: Mary. Operator: Are you still driving right now? Caller: Yes. Operator: Do you wanna stop driving before you get into an accident? Caller: Yes, I will stop. Operator: Okay, you’re going to stop right now? Caller: Yep, I will stop right now. Okay, I’m stopping.”
― Dave Konig, You Called 9-1-1 For What?

“Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing? Caller: Running… from the… police.”
― Dave Konig, You Called 9-1-1 For This?

“Calls”
― Dave Konig, You Called 9-1-1 For What?

“Operator: Okay sir, can you give me your address? Caller: Uh yeah, we’re at 1825 Eucalyptus Drive. Operator: Okay can you spell that for me sir? Caller: Uh… I’m a gonna drag her on over to Oak Street and you can pick her up there.”
― Dave Konig, You Called 9-1-1 For This?

“I ain’t got no god damn, I don’t live in no god damn apartment! I live in a town house mudda f**ka!”
― Dave Konig, You Called 9-1-1 For This?

“Operator: 9-1-1, what’s the location of your emergency? Caller: Eh, let’s not get into that yet. I have a question Operator: Is this an emergency sir? Caller: It depends Operator: Well… Caller: Not really Operator: If it’s not an emergency you don’t call 9-1-1 sir Caller: Well well I have a question, a legal question Operator: It’s not a, is this an emergency? Caller: I… I don’t know what that means Operator: Is it life threatening? Or an active crime in progress? Caller: Crime in progress… possibly Operator: What’s going on? Caller: I was just growing some marijuana, I was wondering what the… you know, how much trouble you can get into for one plant Operator: You’re growing marijuana and you want to know how much trouble? Depends on how big the plant is Caller: It’s only a seedling Operator: Well, possession Caller: Okay Operator: You can get pinched for a roach in a car Caller: Okay. Alright, thanks for the info Operator: You’re welcome Caller: Goodbye Operator: Goodbye, see you soon Caller: Huh?”
― Dave Konig, You Called 9-1-1 For This?

“It was about the attitude. To your patients it was their only comfort in their time of need. The appearance of being taken care of by someone with such capable hands and skills had a calming effect. In the end, all they needed, no matter what was wrong with them, was a confident laying on of hands. Reassurance that there was indeed such a thing as hope. The way you walked and the way you talked meant almost everything. The aura of professionalism would ooze from your pores. The vast knowledge accumulated and then applied was the envy of those who would stand around you, not as certain as you seemed. Those who did not know you would label it as arrogance. It was only your partner who held the truth. That it was confidence in asserting that you are the best at what you do. The best at caring for the sick and injured against the specter of death.”
― Dave Konig, The Pride of the Hills: A Vollie's Memoir

“Well come on bring your breathalyzer and everything! I am ready!”
― Dave Konig, You Called 9-1-1 For This?

“Caller: I don’t know, he look like one of Jesus children. Sheriff’s Office Dispatcher: He looked what? Like what?? Caller: One of JESUS CHILDREN.”
― Dave Konig, You Called 9-1-1 For This?

“Background Woman: Johnny what are you doing?! Caller: The policeman’s helping me with my math. Background Woman: What did I tell you about playing on the phone? Operator: It’s the mother… Caller: You said if I need help to call somebody. Background Woman: I didn’t mean the police”
― Dave Konig, You Called 9-1-1 For This?

“Clark County Nine One One. Caller: Somebody’s really drunk driving down Granton Road. Operator: Okay where on Graton Road? Caller: Uh, there’s only like six miles through Granton and Hillsville. Operator: Which way are they going? Caller: They are going uhm… Operator: Towards Granton or towards Hillsville? Caller: Towards Granton.”
― Dave Konig, You Called 9-1-1 For What?