Jen Mann > Quotes

“I let my kids make decisions for themselves, but some things are not up for discussion. When it's cold, they wear a coat.”
― Jen Mann, People I Want to Punch in the Throat: Competitive Crafters, Drop-Off Despots, and Other Suburban Scourges

“Excuse me?” I asked. I always say “excuse me” even though I heard perfectly well what the person said. I feel that by saying “excuse me,” I’m giving them a chance to realize they’re being an asshole, and they can change their attitude for the second attempt.”
― Jen Mann, People I Want to Punch in the Throat: Competitive Crafters, Drop-Off Despots, and Other Suburban Scourges

“The thing about marriage is that it requires so much compromise. And, naturally, someone is going to come into the marriage being better at The Yield. In fact, I say a lengthy marriage requires it. Someone is always going to come in with horns down and nostrils flaring. That requires that the other person run away as quickly as possible while waving the white flag. Certainly not the red flag, because I don't want to be that poor woman who accidentally ran over her spouse sixty-five times. Someone is the bull. Someone must be the china shop. We all have important roles to play.”
― Jen of People I Want to Punch in the Throat, I Just Want to Be Alone

“Needless to say, cooking for a man with such a delicate palate can be challenging and every once in a while I like to make something that isn't served with a glass of milk and a side of applesauce. This can be difficult with a husband with such discriminating taste buds. Difficult, but not impossible, if you're willing to lie. Which I am.   During the winter months I love to make soups and one of my favorites is taco soup. It has all of the basic food groups in one bowl; meat, veggies, beans, and Fritos. It's perfection. I've been warming bodies and cleaning colons with this recipe for years. However, when I met my husband he advised he didn't like beans, so he couldn't eat taco soup. This was not the response I hoped for.   I decided to make it for him anyway. The first time I did I debated whether to add beans. I knew he wouldn't eat it if I did, but I also knew the beans were what gave it the strong flavor. I decided the only way to maintain the integrity of the soup was to sacrifice mine. I lied to him about the ingredients. Because my husband is not only picky but also observant, I knew I couldn't just dump the beans into the soup undetected. Rather, I had to go incognito. For that, I implored the use of the food processor, who was happy to accommodate after sitting in the cabinet untouched for years.   I dumped the cans of beans in the processor and pureed them into a paste. I then dumped the paste into the taco soup mixture, returning the food processor to the cabinet where it would sit untouched for another six months.   When it came time to eat, I dished out a heaping bowl of soup and handed it to my husband. We sat down to eat and I anxiously awaited his verdict, knowing he was eating a heaping bowl of deceit.   “This is delicious. What's in it?” he asked, in between mouthfuls of soup.   “It's just a mixture of taco ingredients,” I innocently replied, focusing on the layer of Fritos covering my bowl.   “Whatever it is, it's amazing,” he responded, quickly devouring each bite.   At that moment I wanted nothing more than to slap the spoon out of his hand and yell “That's beans, bitch!” However, I refrained because I'm classy (and because I didn't want to clean up the mess).”
― Jen of People I Want to Punch in the Throat, I Just Want to Be Alone

“One of these days I’m going to be surrounded by so many young gifted athletes. There must be something in the water, because everyone’s kid is a prodigy of some kind, except for mine. Gomer is a bit of a lumberer on the soccer field, and when Adolpha practices her ballet, she has the grace of a baby giraffe. They’re so like their mother. I couldn’t be prouder of my little underachievers.”
― Jen Mann, People I Want to Punch in the Throat: Competitive Crafters, Drop-Off Despots, and Other Suburban Scourges

“People who tell me not to swear so much. Oh, fuck you, too.”
― Jen Mann, People I Want to Punch in the Throat: Competitive Crafters, Drop-Off Despots, and Other Suburban Scourges

“Cheerleading was not a hit: “What am I doing here, Mommy? I’m freezing cold and I’m cheering for a bunch of boys to win a game! Who cheers for me?” (Exactly, Adolpha. Exactly.)”
― Jen Mann, People I Want to Punch in the Throat: Competitive Crafters, Drop-Off Despots, and Other Suburban Scourges

“I’m the only one who leaves the house in my pajamas because I can’t get my shit together, nor do I give a shit that I can’t get my shit together.”
― Jen Mann, People I Want to Punch in the Throat: Competitive Crafters, Drop-Off Despots, and Other Suburban Scourges

“Besides shopping at garage sales, I love hosting garage sales. Every year my mom and I dig through our houses and find a bunch of crap (I mean really terrific stuff) to sell so we can earn some money so we can go back out and buy some more crap (I mean really terrific stuff) that we’ll use for a bit and then turn around and garage-sale in a couple of years. It’s the circle of life suburban style.”
― Jen Mann, People I Want to Punch in the Throat: Competitive Crafters, Drop-Off Despots, and Other Suburban Scourges

“I love my husband dearly, but there are days I wouldn’t be opposed to burying his bludgeoned body in the backyard.”
― Jen Mann, People I Want to Punch in the Throat: Competitive Crafters, Drop-Off Despots, and Other Suburban Scourges

“Over the years he has helped me gain confidence and see that I am limitless. When I forget, he is the one who reminds me that failure is just part of learning, that fear is what holds me back from my purpose.”
― Jen Mann, Midlife Bites: Anyone Else Falling Apart, Or Is It Just Me?

“No mother in my community has a more widely recognized hobby than bitching about her child’s school. I’ve come to realize that for many, school is a real drag. It gets in the way of raising a professional athlete.”
― Jen Mann, People I Want to Punch in the Throat: Competitive Crafters, Drop-Off Despots, and Other Suburban Scourges

“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter. —Attributed to Mark Twain”
― Jen Mann, Midlife Bites: Anyone Else Falling Apart, Or Is It Just Me?

“When I told her I was surprised she knew it was International Clover Day, she informed me that every day should be a holiday. She told me there is an international holiday of some kind almost every day that you can celebrate. (She’s absolutely right! I just looked, and today is the day the French celebrate the anniversary of the execution of Marie Antoinette. Maybe I should make hot dogs for dinner tonight and design a tiny razor-sharp guillotine to cut them into bite-sized pieces.)”
― Jen Mann, People I Want to Punch in the Throat: Competitive Crafters, Drop-Off Despots, and Other Suburban Scourges

“I can’t believe … this is what you guys … are serving.” “Well, you don’t have to eat it,” I replied. “What are our choices, though? My kids are starving and they need food. This barely qualifies. This is just processed garbage on a stick.” I couldn’t argue with that statement, but did she see me eating it? No way. However, no one who comes to a school carnival expects to eat kale. What else would you eat at a carnival if not crap on a stick?”
― Jen Mann, People I Want to Punch in the Throat: Competitive Crafters, Drop-Off Despots, and Other Suburban Scourges

“he believes he can teach himself everything he needs to know. “Nobody woke up with all the knowledge in their head,” he says. “They had to learn it, so anyone can learn it.”
― Jen Mann, Midlife Bites: Anyone Else Falling Apart, Or Is It Just Me?

“The minivan is the yoga pants of vehicles. But you know what? I love my yoga pants.”
― Jen Mann

“649.133: Girls, the Care and Maintenance Of,”
― Jen Mann, I Just Want to Be Perfect

“I have two kids: Gomer (age ten at the writing of this book) and Adolpha (age eight). Before you have a hissy fit and sit down to write me a nasty letter about my children’s horrible names, just stop. Of course those aren’t their real names. Their real names are worse, but I can’t take the ridicule, so I just made up what I consider to be horrific names for my blog, People I Want to Punch in the Throat, and my books. Are you still writing that letter? Why? Because your kid’s name is Gomer and you take offense that I just called it “horrific”? Ugh. Actually, you know what? Go ahead, I don’t care. Write away. As long as you bought this book, you can bitch at me about anything you’d like.”
― Jen Mann, Spending the Holidays with People I Want to Punch in the Throat: Yuletide Yahoos, Ho-Ho-Humblebraggers, and Other Seasonal Scourges

“What is wrong with you? Does everything need to be a competition? Does your kid need to win everything she does? Is winning the only way for her to develop self-worth?”
― Jen Mann, People I Want to Punch in the Throat: Competitive Crafters, Drop-Off Despots, and Other Suburban Scourges

“From time to time, mothers come across people who don't have children, but who still have all the answers about what they should or should not be doing with their child. This advice is typically met with false appreciation followed by sarcastic laughter with their mom friends the next day. It's not that those non-moms are trying to be obnoxious, and it's not that those moms are trying to be mean. It's just that unless you've had to care for a child twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, then you might want to keep your opinions to yourself because you ain't about that life.”
― Jen Mann, I Still Just Want to Pee Alone: I Just Want to Pee Alone Book #3

“emphasizing a bajillion times that we weren’t going on a date. As far as I was concerned, he didn’t deserve a nicer outfit. It was partly”
― Jen Mann, People I Want to Punch in the Throat: Competitive Crafters, Drop-Off Despots, and Other Suburban Scourges

“That is literally my number one piece of writing advice: STOP TALKING AND START WRITING. If you take away nothing else from this book, let this be it.”
― Jen Mann, How I F*cking Did It: From Moving Elves to Making Over Six-Figures on the Internet and You Can Too

“In 1996 or so, I bought my first home computer. It was some sort of IBM product. If I was some weird computer nerd, I would be able to tell you all about the ROM and RAM this machine had. All I know is that it was black when every other model was off-white. When I was perusing models with the sales guy who was blathering on and on about what it could do, all I could think was how much better the black would look in my home office than the ugly off-white. I’m that kind of nerd.”
― Jen Mann, People I Want to Punch in the Throat: Competitive Crafters, Drop-Off Despots, and Other Suburban Scourges

“Someday will I have a mustache on my ’china, too?” She’d caught a glimpse of me in the shower that morning and was quite disturbed at the state of my “ ’china,” and wanted to know if there was a way to make hers look better.”
― Jen Mann, People I Want to Punch in the Throat: Competitive Crafters, Drop-Off Despots, and Other Suburban Scourges

“After all, there aren’t too many men out there willing to put up with my brand of crazy.”
― Jen Mann, People I Want to Punch in the Throat: Competitive Crafters, Drop-Off Despots, and Other Suburban Scourges

“I don’t want to lick chocolate dust off my husband’s chest, because that shit will get on the sheets and then that makes more laundry for me. I don’t want a giant green dildo, because that’s one more damn thing in my house that will need new batteries in a few weeks,”
― Jen Mann, People I Want to Punch in the Throat: Competitive Crafters, Drop-Off Despots, and Other Suburban Scourges

“I can’t be the only one who at times would like to go to the fucking grocery store by myself.”
― Jen Mann, People I Want to Punch in the Throat: Competitive Crafters, Drop-Off Despots, and Other Suburban Scourges

“Life On Peanut Layne,”
― Jen Mann, I Just Want to Be Alone

“Come on, Jen. You're all bark and no bite. You talk so tough, but you've never been in a fight in your life.” I pouted. He was absolutely right. I'm like that feisty little Chihuahua who thinks she can kick a Great Dane's ass. “Well, I can't help it that I'm so annoyed by people,” I whined.”
― Jen Mann, Working with People I Want to Punch in the Throat: Cantankerous Clients, Micromanaging Minions, and Other Supercilious Scourges