Mitch Hedberg > Quotes

“I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.”
― Mitch Hedberg

“I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.”
― Mitch Hedberg

“My fake plants died, because I did not pretend to water them.”
― Mitch Hedberg

“Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!”
― Mitch Hedberg

“I find that a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced over whether or not I have bread.”
― Mitch Hedberg

“An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an ‘Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign,’ just ‘Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.”
― Mitch Hedberg

“I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.”
― Mitch Hedberg

“I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.”
― Mitch Hedberg

“I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying...”
― Mitch Hedberg

“Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.”
― Mitch Hedberg

“I like an escalator because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs.”
― Mitch Hedberg

“People on the 14th floor, you know what floor you’re really on.”
― Mitch Hedberg

“I find that a duck’s opinion of me is influenced by whether or not I have bread. A duck loves bread, but he does not have the capability to buy a loaf. That’s the biggest joke on the duck ever. If I worked at a convenience store, and a duck came in and stole a loaf of bread, I would let him go. I’d say, ‘Come back tomorrow, bring your friends!’ When I think of a duck’s friends, I think of other ducks. But he could have, say, a beaver in tow.”
― Mitch Hedberg

“I will not make you a pastrami, banana bread, cottage cheese sandwich! That would severely ruin my reputation.”
― Mitch Hedberg

“I'm sick of following my dream, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going then hook up with 'em later”
― Mitch Hedberg

“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”
― Mitch Hedberg

“I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with ’em later.”
― Mitch Hedberg

“A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.”
― Mitch Hedberg

“I like an escalator, man. Because an escalator cannot break. It just becomes stairs.”
― Mitch Hedberg

“If you are flammable and have legs you are never blocking a fire exit.”
― Mitch Hedberg

“I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with ’em later."
“I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with ’em later.”
― Mitch Hedberg