Elliott James > Quotes

“I disbelieved what he was saying so hard that I probably created an alternate universe where it wasn't true.”
― Elliott James, Charming

“She didn't drink wine, and even if she did, I didn't know if red or white was appropriate for telling a woman that you want to kill her former lover. Do they have greeting cards for that sort of thing?”
― Elliott James, Charming

“The woman set Sig's chocolate orgy out in front of her and deposited my steak on the table.
"Y'all must work out," the waitress observed a little sourly. She apparently did not.
"I'm going to throw this up later," Sig said expressionlessly.
"I have a tapeworm," I said cheerfully.”
― Elliott James, Charming

“Popular young adult novels notwithstanding, vampires only sparkle when they burn.”
― Elliott James, Charming

“I'm a mean mother-hmmnhmmnh man of God," she informed me. "Except that I'm a woman, of course."
"You just quoted something, didn't you?" I asked.
"Yes, I did," Molly agreed. She seemed calm but her heart was beating fat. "From Dusk Till Dawn. Its a vampire movie with George Clooney."
"Is it too late to get a different priest?" Choo wondered. "Like maybe one who quotes The Bible?”
― Elliott James, Charming

“Molly reached over and patted my shoulder. “It’s OK, sweetie. I’m a lesbian.” “That’s it. I definitely want myself a new priest,” Choo said. “Episcopalians will let anybody in,” Molly agreed. “It’s all the drinking that goes on at our conferences. Half the time when our bishops are raising their hands to vote, they think they’re ordering another scotch.”
― Elliott James, Charming

“TEN THINGS THAT PEOPLE WHO DIDN'T READ THE FIRST BOOK REALLY OUGHT TO KNOW.

I. One day, your father and mother were hugging, and they began to have special feelings. Warm feelings that tingled in their private places. It is likely they weren't wearing any clothes. At any rate, they began to rub against each other like two sticks trying to start a fire, and nine months later, you were born. If this is news to you, please put this book down now. There may well be big bad wolves and evil witches and fairies in the pages that follow, but I promise you, this isn't a children's story.”
― Elliott James, Daring

“Have you ever tried to use your eyes to tell someone that you want them, that because of them you're going to do the best you can to survive but that you're willing to die if that's the cost of putting yourself between them and anything that means them harm? That you don't care if they're playing you, or if what you have is really love, or if the two of you have a shot at lasting, that the very fact that they exist has made you come back to life in some way that's terrifying and exhilarating? A few seconds isn't long enough, especially when the person you're looking at is staring back as if she wants to pull you inside her and crush the two of you into one being.”
― Elliott James, Charming

“I live like a Nazi war criminal or a serial killer... like I have something to be ashamed of.”
― Elliott James, Charming

“Sig idly stuck her index finger in her cup of steaming-hot coffee and stirred it. I couldn't decide it it was mildly erotic or mildly disgusting.”
― Elliott James, Charming

“Pinky: I've been in this kind of situation before. Fourth finger: I've felt these feelings before. Middle finger: I've survived them every time. Index finger: Everybody dies eventually. Thumb: That includes my enemies.”
― Elliott James, Charming

“Sig is like that. She tends to have an “it takes a village” attitude toward monster hunting. I have mostly hunted supernatural predators alone, partly because I had no choice and partly because I’m an idiot.”
― Elliott James, Fearless

“I was sad but it felt like the sadness was pouring out of me instead of poisoning me. I felt like I had been sleeping in the dark, not knowing I was in a coffin until someone pried the lid off. It hurt, but it was good, the way love is supposed to be.”
― Elliott James, Charming

“I wanted to live, and the knowledge filled me with a fierce and exultant joy until I felt like flame in a world made of paper. I wanted to live.”
― Elliott James, Charming

“I reached my hand out and held it palm open next to hers, and after a moments hesitation she took my hand and squeezed it. I felt absurdly happy.
We were a couple of badass monster killers all right. Maybe on the way back to Choo's she'd let me buy her an ice cream cone.”
― Elliott James, Charming

“OK, but you maybe saved my life, and you've seen me naked," I said. "In some countries we just got married. Can i at least know what name you go by?”
― Elliott James, Charming

“I just don't like the idea of going down that hole tomorrow with this thing hanging over you and me like..." She stopped and struggled for a good simile.
"Like an open airplane storage locker?" I offered.
(...)
"I like the 'open airplane storage compartment' thing better. It means there's a journey with lots of baggage."
"And things being balanced precariously," I added.
"And a lack of closure," she said.
"Ok," I admitted. "I could start bullshitting about frequent flier miles or something, but I cant really think of any more good ones.”
― Elliott James, Charming

“Coffee is one of the few constants in my life,” I explained. “No matter where I go, no matter how crappy a day I’m having, no matter what kind of mood I’m in, coffee is always there to make me feel a little better.”
― Elliott James, Charming

“For a certain type of person, running toward the things that scare them is the only thing that gives them any sense of control.”
― Elliott James, Charming

“You know you’re in a college town when there’s a restaurant called “Pancakea.” The establishment was a pancake/coffee house, and Choo, Molly, Sig, and I were sitting in a booth arguing about the place and its name and their relative merits. I thought the name was a take on panacea, implying that pancakes are a cure for everything. Sig thought the owner wanted the place to become the IKEA of pancakes. Molly thought that given how large the pancakes were, the title might be a riff on Pangea, the first continental landmass. We all agreed that the owner was probably an ex-college student who couldn’t get a job with his or her major, but we couldn’t agree on whether that major was philosophy, marketing, anthropology, or just heavy drinking.”
― Elliott James, Fearless

“The vampires weren’t the only ones who thought you were dead,” Sig observed as she cut her double order of French toast into dainty little bite-size portions. “I’m going to shove a cell phone so far up your ass that you’re going to burp ringtones.”
― Elliott James, Charming

“A portable CD player played some kind of new age stuff that sounded like aborigine instruments being used to help a woman imitate Enya. At any rate, there was definitely a bull-roarer and a didgeridoo in there somewhere.”
― Elliott James, Daring

“a campus security officer who’d been waiting quietly in the corner of a stairwell landing told us that the top of the building was off-limits. He had an unlit cigarette in his mouth and a cell phone in his hands and looked for all the world like we’d just caught him about to take an unauthorized text and smoke break. What didn’t quite jibe with that image was that most campus security guards don’t look like they pick their teeth with a chainsaw, and their sidearms aren’t made for moose hunting.”
― Elliott James, In Shining Armor

“I considered pushing Chai a little more just to see what would happen. There were all sorts of ways to play with the idea of a werewolf therapist being James Bond. Live and Let Cry. No wait, would Live and Let It All Out be better? Live and Let Chai? Full Moonraker. The Spy Who Emotionally Displaced Needs onto Me. Dr. Noooooarrrhgggh!”
― Elliott James, Daring

“The truth is, love is everyone’s inconsistency. It makes all of us stupid. The dumbest and weakest things I’ve ever done all involved trying to make my life fit around someone I wanted, or trying to make someone I wanted be someone they weren’t.”
― Elliott James, Charming

“Mike’s harmless.” “No,” Sig corrected. “He’s powerless. There’s a difference.”
― Elliott James, Charming

“I’m sure all those damsels in distress really appreciate that,” I scoffed. “Oh, here I am, being held hostage. I hope some sword-swinging moron with no grasp of strategy comes storming in here to save me with a hi-ho and a happy hard-on.”
― Elliott James, In Shining Armor

“Most people never question the core beliefs they grow up with,” Emil confirmed. “You can look back on any culture five hundred years later and wonder how they could have ever believed some of the contradictory or flat-out insane things they accepted as law or common sense.”
― Elliott James, Daring

“Canadians don't get curious when American tourists buy lots of food," I said. "If the guy thought about it all, he probably figured I wanted to take the doughnuts home, or to my church group or academic conference or whatever."
Sig eyed my clothes doubtfully. "How did he know you were American?"
"I made sure I talked loud," I said.”
― Elliott James, In Shining Armor

“Ever since I started hanging around you, it's more like 'Oh, look, something messed up is going on. Let's poke it And see what happens. Wow, it's even bigger and more messed-up than it looked like. Let's poke it again. Oh my God, where did those giant flaming woodchucks come from?”
― Elliott James, In Shining Armor