Stephen Osborne > Quotes

“It’s just that… I’m wanting to start dating myself.” I saw Gina’s eyes bug out. “I don’t mean dating myself. I’ve been doing that for ten years now. It’s gotten to the point where I buy my left hand chocolates on Valentine’s Day.”
― Stephen Osborne, Pale as a Ghost

“It’s my spider, Jeffrey. He’s a tarantula.”
“Yes, he certainly seems to be.”
“He’s my pet.”
“Better you than me. I’m not overly fond of spiders. Too many
legs.”
“No,” Ernie said simply, “he’s got the right number.”
― Stephen Osborne, Pop Goes the Weasel

“Sounds good. What sort of fun did you
have in mind?”
I rubbed my nose against his. “It’s kind of like putting together
toys on Christmas morning. You have to insert dowel rod A into slot B
until it fits firmly….”
“Oh, yes?”
“…and then you move things around until you break something
and make a big mess.”
― Stephen Osborne, Pop Goes the Weasel

“DINNER went off without a hitch up until the part where people actually sat down at the table and began to eat. After that it went horribly wrong.”
― Stephen Osborne, Wrestling With Jesus

“Daisy was my beloved bulldog, who had some problems of her own—the main one being that she, too, was no longer alive. However, she wasn’t a ghost like Robbie. Daisy was a zombie. Long story.”
― Stephen Osborne, Pale as a Ghost

“By standing and with me
sitting, he was showing he was the dominant male in the room. I,
however, had a .38 in a holster under my jacket, so I won.”
― Stephen Osborne, Animal Instinct

“I smiled. “Nick, this is my dead boyfriend, Robbie. If you can’t see him, at least you’ll be able to see the salt carton hanging in mid-air. My dog is a zombie, and I’ve got a friend that’s a witch.”

“Oh,” he said in a very small voice.

I nodded. “That’s pretty much what I asked you over to tell you. So, what’s new with you?”
― Stephen Osborne, Pale as a Ghost

“Gina’s brow furrowed. “I’m a witch not fucking Harry Potter. You want miracles call the 700 Club.”
― Stephen Osborne, Pale as a Ghost

“I’d never thrown myself through a window before, but I knew what to do in theory. The answer is: don’t do it.”
― Stephen Osborne, Pale as a Ghost

“My hand found its way back to her knee. I hoped it was to comfort her. I’d hate to think that my right hand was straight. “Soon. I’ll call her this afternoon and get back to you.”

She nodded. I removed my right hand, thankful that I was left-handed. I’d hate to have to try masturbating with a straight hand. It probably wouldn’t cooperate. And then where would I be?”
― Stephen Osborne, Pale as a Ghost

“I heard Elton’s deep growl. I only gave our friendly—well, sort of friendly—demon the number a few days previously.
“They were busy last night” was his opening line. No “hello, how are you.” Demons had no sense of etiquette.”
― Stephen Osborne, Under a Blood-Red Moon

“There are good kissers and bad kissers. Good kisser: Tony.
Sweet, passionate, and his lips make every nerve in your body stand
up and go, “Hey, what’s this? What’s going on, and can we make it go
on longer?” And then there are your bad kissers. Case in point: Tyler
Kendrick. My mouth thought it was being attacked by a squid. Big,
freaky tongue forcing its way into my mouth like the villain in a
Western movie coming through the saloon doors with a swagger. Too
much saliva, and in all the wrong places. Honestly, during a kiss your
cheeks should remain relatively dry.”
― Stephen Osborne, Pop Goes the Weasel

“The room was deathly quiet. Maybe because I was holding my
breath. You know that feeling you get when you know you’re doing
something that you shouldn’t be doing but you’re doing it anyway? I
felt that if someone were to sneak up behind me and go “Boo” that
my heart would say “Fuck it” and just stop beating.
I told myself to think of something else. Think of that gorgeous
young man who had served us at dinner. Think of how he’d look
naked. Okay, maybe don’t think of that. The only thing worse than
being found in someone else’s room rifling through their things would
be to be found in someone else’s room pleasuring yourself.”
― Stephen Osborne, Pop Goes the Weasel

“On the way I contemplated giving the middle finger to the crow but refrained in case it was just an innocent bird. That, and I worried what Carson’s men would think if I flipped the bird to a bird”
― Stephen Osborne, Under a Blood-Red Moon

“He hadn’t actually acted since his high school senior play (where he had famously skipped two whole pages of dialog and died fifteen minutes too soon),”
― Stephen Osborne, Wrestling With Jesus

“There was a framed print on the wall of dogs playing poker. I wanted to smash it to preserve the dignity of the world, but I refrained.”
― Stephen Osborne, Animal Instinct

“several complaints that
night, ranging from people thinking cats were fighting to one soul who
thought that a neighbor was playing a Yoko Ono album much too loud.”
― Stephen Osborne, Animal Instinct

“I at least got Carson calmed down a little. Interested, he asked,
“Really? There are demons who do that? Fuck all the time?”
“Yeah. I call them Kardashians.”
― Stephen Osborne, The Scarlet Tide

“If I’m to be a ghost,” I told Caps, “I’m not haunting your aunt’s gloomy old place. I’d choose someplace livelier, more fun.”
　　“Such as?”
　　“A gay bar, of course.”
― Stephen Osborne, Pop Goes the Weasel

“I’d like to put that day off as long as possible. You saw the guy
at dinner. He’s Satan without the horns. Hitler used to get advice on
how to be nasty from him.”
― Stephen Osborne, Pop Goes the Weasel

“If you’ve harmed one hair
on Nick’s head, I’m going to send you to hell so fast that Satan won’t
have time to stamp your passport.”
― Stephen Osborne, Dead End