Mark Speed > Quotes

“But Time Lords always travel in the T – in their Spectrels, don't they?"
"Only if absolutely necessary."
"You what?"
"It's another myth put about by those scoundrels. Dramatic effect and all that. It's all his fault."
"What do you mean?"
"Who's fault."
"No, I asked you first."
"No, you clot. It's Who's fault – Dr bloody Who. That's who!"
"Why?"
"No, not Why. I said it's Who's fault."
"Whose fault?"
"Yes. Who."
"What?"
"No! Listen, damn you. Don't bring Why or What into it. It's nothing to do with them. It's Who's fault."
"That's what I'm trying to establish, Doctor. Whose fault is it?"
"Yes. It's Who's fault; now, can we just bloody get on with it and stop arguing the toss and bringing the others into it?”
― Mark Speed, Doctor How and the Illegal Aliens

“You said these guys are your cousins? Is that, like, for real? It's, like, not a turn of phrase?"
"What on earth do you mean?"
"Well, I refer to my bluds as cuz, sometimes. Is it like that, or is they real blood relatives?"
"Yes, four of them are cousins. One of them is my twin brother. I'm sure you can guess who."
"Who?"
"Yes."
"No, who?"
"Exactly." The Doctor's gaze was in some far-off place, his voice low and monotone. "He was always the troublesome one. He instigated the rift, cemented the separation. Blabbed to the Beeb. I can never forgive him for that. Never.”
― Mark Speed, Doctor How and the Illegal Aliens

“Actually,” said Kevin. “It’s a bit like Star Wars. Right near the end of Return of the Jedi Luke discovers that–” “Oh, will you stop your infernal wittering about that stupid film,” shouted Cassandra. “I watched the original trilogy with the Doctor on a girls’ night in and it was plagiarised from every myth and fairy story that was ever written. The Doctor and I had never laughed so much.”
― Mark Speed, Doctor How and the Big Finish: Book 5

“Let me do the talking, but follow my lead," said the Doctor. "You're my assistant. Your area of expertise is car mechanics."
"But I don't know the first thing about cars."
"Then you should be working at your local garage."
"What?"
"You'd fit in perfectly and earn a fortune on repeat business."
"I don't get you."
"That was humour, Kevin. I do it sometimes.”
― Mark Speed, Doctor How and the Illegal Aliens

“he made a mental list: they would have to drive on the right, they would call it gas and not petrol, the letter ‘u’ would be deleted wholesale from words. Just think of the number of saved keystrokes! And there would be no beating around the bush – people would talk straight and say what they meant instead of saying they liked something that they secretly hated.”
― Mark Speed, Doctor How and the Alien Invasion: Book 3

“To Kevin’s surprise, Cassandra was able to make the right gesture to cue a display of data about the squirrels in question. “Just as I thought,” she said. “Non-native. The Eleventh Duke of Bedfordshire was responsible for introducing them from America in 1890. Since then they’ve all but wiped out the native red squirrel in England and Wales. Do you know, I never did think much of the Bedfordshires,” she said. “I knew the Sixth Duke. A ne’er-do-well, in my view. He was a Bonapartist, and he was opposed to the Peninsular War.”
― Mark Speed, Doctor How and the Dragons: Book 4

“So much for not standing out!” she hissed. “Being conspicuous by acting the part is often the best way to anonymity,” he said. “That’s good tradecraft.”
― Mark Speed, Doctor How and the Big Finish: Book 5

“Hughes wondered if Norton had deliberately withheld the information from him. “And being a man of the cloth is how you’d know your griffins from your dragons?” “No, my doctorate is in history. And I’m just a deacon. A lay preacher. I suppose I’m just over-educated.” He gave Hughes a thin smile. “I happen to know my griffins from my dragons, that’s all.”
― Mark Speed, Doctor How and the Dragons: Book 4

“Don't tell me he's one of them illegal immigrants. I shall have the police round to arrest him if anything goes missing from my house."
"He's as British as you are, Mrs Roseby. Born and bred. Believe me, I do share your concerns about illegal aliens. More than you might care to imagine.”
― Mark Speed, Doctor How and the Illegal Aliens

“If our wonderful impostor had been in charge of the whole Bricky situation, then he would have wrestled that first dragon to the ground in the middle of the men’s finals at Wimbledon right in front of the royal box with the entire Royal Family in attendance, possibly with Sir Elton John playing the incidental music, and then finished it off with his sonic sodding screwdriver. As a finale he’d have magicked up strawberries and cream for the entire crowd at no extra cost, making Jesus’s feeding of the five thousand look like the act of a misanthropic miser.”
― Mark Speed, Doctor How and the Big Finish: Book 5

“If this is what the future’s like, I can’t say I’m keen on it. These metal locomotives with cannons on top must chew soldiers up. It is butchery. And as for those flying machines, I can’t imagine what angry wasps they must make and the stings they must inflict.” “Honestly, it’s not all bad. Child mortality is low.” “It would need to be to provide all the bodies for this military meat-grinding machine.” “Um. We don’t have capital punishment.” “What? How monstrous!” “No. I said we don’t have capital punishment.” “Yes. How utterly monstrous. What do you do? Let murderers live out their natural lives in jail?” “No. Most of them are released aft–” She shot him a look. “Oh, forget it.” They”
― Mark Speed, Doctor How and the Alien Invasion: Book 3

“Cobblers. I want to know why you won’t come and greet me. Are you still angry about ’sixty-three and me helping your brother get a leg-up in the magical world of television?” “You mean am I angry at you exacerbating his bipolar disorder and feeding his megalomania?” “Yes. That.” “I’ll take that as an admission of guilt. Of course I’m still angry.” “I”
― Mark Speed, Doctor How and the Alien Invasion: Book 3

“The other two teams of two men were charged with sleeping. Being stress-tested special forces, they did this so much more effectively than any civilian could even have dreamt of.”
― Mark Speed, Doctor How and the Dragons: Book 4

“Behold, the TARDIS!” said the Master, rising from his seat. There was an awkward cough from the most junior member. “It’s actually a Spectrel. TARDIS is the fictional name used in the BBC TV series. And for copyright reasons, even in a work of parody there’s actually a limit to—” “Yes!” yelled the Master. “I know!” He slammed the palm of his hand down. “I meant Spectrel. Damn Doctor Who and his megalomaniac domination of cult sci-fi television.”
― Mark Speed, Doctor How and the Big Finish: Book 5

“It would distort markets. Besides, if I bought a load of gold when I thought the price was going up, then it would drive up the price at that point. When I came to sell in the future it would depress the price. Thus, I wouldn't make the killing I thought I would, would I?"
"Yeah, but futures contracts."
"Same thing, dear boy."
"Art, then."
"If I bought Constable's Hay Wain direct from the artist it wouldn't have the same cachet as it does today. The absence of that piece from the market might mean that all of his work was devalued."
"Yeah, but you could bring another piece back."
"Ah, then the paint and canvas wouldn't age correctly. For older objets d'art, the carbon dating would show it was younger than it should be. Sorry, Kevin. You're not going to get rich by temporal smuggling or speculation.”
― Mark Speed, Doctor How and the Illegal Aliens

“Why laughed. “Ah, yes–environmental legislation. So much red tape can be disguised as green. Good old red-green colour-blindness.”
― Mark Speed, Doctor How and the Big Finish: Book 5

“Breaking: Doctor Who saves parliament from alien attack–BBC denies knowledge, says ‘not a stunt’–Time Lord stops terror attack after Army defence fails”
― Mark Speed, Doctor How and the Big Finish: Book 5

“Tackled some giant, burrowing beetles the other week, if you can believe that…. At that stage I didn’t know about it either – only discovered after I was presented with a bill for over ten million quid. And I think it’s a long way from giant burrowing beetles to ginormous jellyfish eating people in toilets, don’t you? Oh? Well I do. One’s a land-based arthropod with a hard exo-skeleton and the other’s a water-based creature with no skeleton at all.”
― Mark Speed, Doctor How and the Deadly Anemones

“Never quote a rule at a bipolar person. They turn them over in their head looking for the holes, and they find them in absurdity. I heard the penny drop. If he couldn’t change past events, then he’d change the future – even though we’re forbidden from doing that too.”
― Mark Speed, Doctor How and the Deadly Anemones

“No. Look, I’m not selling you a time-travel adventure and I’m not selling you a story about a hapless human having to hitchhike around the galaxy, because then that would simply be more of the same, wouldn’t it?” “I get that, Francis. They’re not human, so forget the hitchhiking. What special powers do they have? I mean, they do have special powers, don’t they?” “They are masters of administration.” “Ah. I see. Anything else? Telepathy? Telekinesis?” “Oh, yes,” enthused Why. “They can spot even a minor breach of rules from a million miles, and they can swoop in to put it right.” “Hmm. So is… is that it?” “Of course not! Once they find even the tiniest infraction they can immediately propose and–wait, this is the genius bit–implement a new, tighter set of regulations!”
― Mark Speed, Doctor How and the Big Finish: Book 5

“What the hell do you mean ‘your’ Doctor?” asked Schlutz. “If you’re British,” explained Peterson, “Doctor Who is an intrinsic part of your childhood, whether you’re a fan or not. And you’ll find that most people over a certain age have an actor who was their favourite incarnation. Generally, but not exclusively, it’s the one who was in the role when you were a certain age.”
― Mark Speed, Doctor How and the Big Finish: Book 5

“Then after a while I realised that if there’s one person I’d arrest, it would be Miss Marple herself.” Bunce paused for effect. “She’s a one-woman crime wave, if you think about it. Everywhere this interfering old bag goes, people get murdered.”
― Mark Speed, Doctor How and the Big Finish: Book 5