David Loman > Quotes

“Hmm, let me think carefully about that question. Q: "You were there until the time you left, is that true?”
― David Loman, Ridiculous Customer Complaints (And Other Statements) Volume 2!

“To someone of your intelligence, $50. "How much is that $10 watch?”
― David Loman, Ridiculous Customer Complaints (And Other Statements) Volume 2!

“Ask an obvious question and guess what you get. Q: “Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?” A : “No. He was wearing a mask.” Q: “What was he wearing under the mask?” A: “Er...his face.”
― David Loman, Ridiculous Customer Complaints (And Other Statements) Volume 2!

“You've still got to pay. "Free Parking ($1.50 per day)" -- A sign at a parking lot in Ocean City, Maryland.”
― David Loman, Ridiculous Customer Complaints (And Other Statements) Volume 2!

“can't comment on this as I would like to keep the book suitable for children! Q: "So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?" A: "I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital." Q: "It was covered?" A: "Yes, bandaged." Q: "Then, later on...what did you see?" A: "I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.”
― David Loman, Ridiculous Customer Complaints (And Other Statements) Volume 2!

“No wonder he was sad. "I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.”
― David Loman, Fifty Shades of Dave: Ridiculous Customer Complaints - The Compilation (Ridiculous Customer Complaints

“That'll do it. "In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.”
― David Loman, Fifty Shades of Dave: Ridiculous Customer Complaints - The Compilation (Ridiculous Customer Complaints

“Do you drink when you're on duty?”
― David Loman, Ridiculous Customer Complaints (And Other Statements) Volume 2!

“Well when you put it like that. Part of a Flight Attendant’s arrival announcement: “We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of us here at US Airways.”
― David Loman, Ridiculous Customer Complaints

“I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts.”
― David Loman, Ridiculous Customer Complaints

“groomed, and fed the family dog for years." A very common occurrence. "Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend could steal my job." Not a great experience then? "Previous experience: Self-employed -- a fiasco." And a poodle when it comes to modesty. "I am a pit bull when it comes to analysis."  Yeah and I am the Queen of England. "I am the king of accounts payable reconciliation." Travelling hobo. "Work history: Bum. Abandoned belongings and led nomadic lifestyle." Perhaps you need a mop for the floor? "I like slipping and sliding around behind the counter and controlling the temperature of the food." Sshhh, people maybe listening. .."Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning to the word 'paranoia.' I prefer to elaborate privately." It just has. "My ruthlessness terrorized the competition and can sometimes offend." Don't we all. "I love dancing and throwing parties." Wow, that quick. "I am quick at typing, about 25 words per minute.”
― David Loman, Ridiculous Customer Complaints (And Other Statements) Volume 2!

“Bad move. Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning? A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan.”
― David Loman, Fifty Shades of Dave: Ridiculous Customer Complaints - The Compilation (Ridiculous Customer Complaints

“Yep, that's the sound a cow makes. The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were - Q: What warning was given by you? A: Horn. Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo.”
― David Loman, Ridiculous Customer Complaints

“19:00 hours. "What time does the 7 o'clock ferry leave?”
― David Loman, Ridiculous Customer Complaints (And Other Statements) Volume 2!

“Through the trap door. “Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately.”
― David Loman, Ridiculous Customer Complaints

“Open seven days a week. Closed Sundays." -- On the bottom of a pizza take-out menu.”
― David Loman, Ridiculous Customer Complaints (And Other Statements) Volume 2!

“No Ice! Me: "Do you have hot tea?" Her: "Well, it is not very warm...but...." Me: "No I mean do you have hot water and a tea bag?" Her: "Yes." Me: "So you can make me hot tea." Her: "Well I can put a cup of iced tea in the microwave for you." Me: "No, just give me a cup of hot water and a tea bag, and I will make my own." Her: "Do you want ice in the cup?”
― David Loman, Ridiculous Customer Complaints (And Other Statements) Volume 2!

“And next week – indoor fishing. "March 18: Outdoor Adventure Series: Indoor Rock Climbing" -- In a school's newsletter.”
― David Loman, Ridiculous Customer Complaints (And Other Statements) Volume 2!

“Confused server. Once when I went to McDonald's, I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.”
― David Loman, Ridiculous Customer Complaints (And Other Statements) Volume 2!

“If at first you don't succeed. Q: "How many times have you committed suicide?" A: "Four times.”
― David Loman, Ridiculous Customer Complaints (And Other Statements) Volume 2!

“The secret is out.. "The driver involved in this incident asked that her gender not be revealed." -- From a Sydney, Australia, paper.”
― David Loman, Ridiculous Customer Complaints (And Other Statements) Volume 2!

“Choices, choices. From a Southwest Airlines employee…. “Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt, and if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with two small children, decide now which one you love more. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.”
― David Loman, Ridiculous Customer Complaints

“Headless. "The ball is going back, Smith is chasing it, it's still going back, Smith jumps, he hits his head on the wall and it rolls off! It's rolling all the way back to the infield. This is a terrible day for the Padres!" -- A San Diego Padres announcer.”
― David Loman, Ridiculous Customer Complaints (And Other Statements) Volume 2!

“Think I will take the first option. "Ham and Cheese - $2.50. Cheese and Ham - $2.90." -- On a menu.”
― David Loman, Ridiculous Customer Complaints (And Other Statements) Volume 2!

“A little raver. Q: “Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?” A: “Yes.” Q: “Did the defendant say anything when she got out of the car?” A: “Yes.” Q: “What did she say?” A: “What disco am I at?”
― David Loman, Fifty Shades of Dave: Ridiculous Customer Complaints - The Compilation (Ridiculous Customer Complaints

“can't comment on this as I would like to keep the book suitable for children!”
― David Loman, Ridiculous Customer Complaints (And Other Statements) Volume 2!

“Skippy”
― David Loman, Ridiculous Customer Complaints

“Walking licence. "Please! No walking allowed without membership card." -- A sign in a mall.”
― David Loman, Ridiculous Customer Complaints (And Other Statements) Volume 2!

“Dogfight at thirty five thousand feet. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a “Thanks for flying XYZ airline.” He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady, walking with a cane. She said, “Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?” “Why no Ma’am,” said the pilot, “what is it?” The little old lady said, “Did we land or were we shot down?”
― David Loman, Ridiculous Customer Complaints

“No key. "Do not open this door when locked." -- A sign on a gym door.”
― David Loman, Ridiculous Customer Complaints (And Other Statements) Volume 2!