Vanessa Van Edwards > Quotes

“Being a highlighter is about constantly searching for the good in people. When you tell people they are good, they become better. When you search for what’s good, you feel great.”
― Vanessa Van Edwards, Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People

“When you try to be the same as everyone else, it’s boring. When you try to fit into a mold, you become forgettable. When you try to be “normal,” you become dull. Just be yourself, because no one is like you. If you’re a little weird, own it. The right people will like you for it.”
― Vanessa Van Edwards, Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People

“Next to physical survival, the greatest need of a human being is psychological survival—to be understood, to be affirmed, to be validated, to be appreciated. —Stephen Covey”
― Vanessa Van Edwards, Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People

“If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.”
― Vanessa Van Edwards, Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People

“Whether we like to admit it or not, we decide if we like someone, if we trust someone, and if we want a relationship with someone within the first few seconds of meeting them.”
― Vanessa Van Edwards, Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People

“Don’t try to impress people, let them impress you.”
― Vanessa Van Edwards, Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People

“Vulnerability is sexy—it shows we are relatable, honest, and real. That is attractive. And the science proves it: “A blunder tends to humanize him and, consequently, increases his attractiveness.”5”
― Vanessa Van Edwards, Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People

“There is an African proverb that says: If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.”
― Vanessa Van Edwards, Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People

“Leading people is about communicating a mission and then letting them take part in it. If you want to motivate a colleague, empower a team, or inspire a friend, all you have to do is figure out how to give them ownership.”
― Vanessa Van Edwards, Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People

“When someone does a kindness for you, they are more likely to like you.6 This is dubbed the Franklin effect.”
― Vanessa Van Edwards, Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People

“With a first impression, you are a Triple Threat when you use your hands, your posture, and your eye contact. These are the three nonverbal weapons you can use to pass through all three levels of trust.”
― Vanessa Van Edwards, Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People

“people skills are the social lubricant of life.”
― Vanessa Van Edwards, Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People

“In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun. You find the fun and—SNAP—the job’s a game. —Mary Poppins”
― Vanessa Van Edwards, Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People

“Most people’s choices make sense to them. When they don’t make sense to you, it’s usually because you are being driven by a different primary value.”
― Vanessa Van Edwards, Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People

“When you Name, Understand, and Transform someone out of their difficulty, you become their ally.”
― Vanessa Van Edwards, Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People

“When you produce dopamine during a conversation, you not only give your partner more enjoyment, you are also assigned more significance, which increases your memorability.”
― Vanessa Van Edwards, Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People

“Impressing people with fake flawlessness is both impossible and exhausting. Vulnerability is what truly elevates relationships.”
― Vanessa Van Edwards, Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People

“Humans are purpose-driven creatures. We want to believe there are reasons behind everything we do. Before leaders can inspire action, they have to get emotional buy-in. When we explain the motivations behind a goal, it allows listeners to feel partial ownership of that goal.”
― Vanessa Van Edwards, Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People

“reported”
― Vanessa Van Edwards, Cues: Master the Secret Language of Charismatic Communication

“They remembered more when the story was printed in Comic Sans compared to Arial or Bodoni fonts.”
― Vanessa Van Edwards, Cues: Master the Secret Language of Charismatic Communication

“Just be yourself, because no one is like you. If you’re a little weird, own it. The right people will like you for it.”
― Vanessa Van Edwards, Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People

“trying to get to the root of her fear. This helps him comprehend what’s going on and allows her to sort out her emotions. Once she feels heard and validated, then she moves into stage two of the NUT Job: understanding.”
― Vanessa Van Edwards, Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People

“The power of our first impression lies not in what we say, but how we say it. The most popular TED Talkers leveled up their audiences before even getting to their big idea. They did this by using what I call: HACK #2: The Triple Threat Make a powerful first impression by nonverbally hacking all three levels of trust.”
― Vanessa Van Edwards, Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People

“Instead of randomly delegating or hoping people will self-select, you want to divide the list by skills. This highlights people’s abilities so they feel capable, as opposed to burdened. To do this, use what I call Skill Solicitation. Skill Solicitation is when you ask people to self-identify based on capability: Is anyone good at _____? Do you know anything about _____? I need someone who is strong with ______.”
― Vanessa Van Edwards, Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People

“Assume intimacy with people before you have it.”
― Vanessa Van Edwards

“Labeling negative cues reduces their impact. Learning cues will help you spot and stop negative cues being sent to you and be more in control of the cues you send to others. Your cues can also help you influence for good and be positively contagious. Leaders can learn to spread productive feelings to others. When you project warmth, people are more likely to be warm with you. When you project a competent, confident calm, others are more likely to follow suit. Your charisma cues can flip others’ negative ones. We just need to model the cues we want to inspire in others.”
― Vanessa Van Edwards, Cues: Master the Secret Language of Charismatic Communication

“The biggest thing I learned during my Vow of Silence is that the best conversations aren’t about what you say, they are about what you hear.”
― Vanessa Van Edwards, Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People

“We are often so wrapped up in our own thoughts, schedules, and agendas that we forget to tune into other people’s feelings, needs, and values.”
― Vanessa Van Edwards, Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People

“And the best part? The most charismatic people move flexibly within the Charisma Zone. Need a little more warmth in a situation? Use more warmth cues. Need to inject competence into an interaction? Add competence cues. You can use the Charisma Scale like a dial.”
― Vanessa Van Edwards, Cues: Master the Secret Language of Charismatic Communication

“Romantic Primary Value: If you had to describe the best part of your relationship, what would it be? What is the greatest gift your partner could give you, tell you, or do for you? When you are with your partner, you feel most worthy when:”
― Vanessa Van Edwards, Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People