Vanessa Van Edwards > Quotes

“Being a highlighter is about constantly searching for the good in people. When you tell people they are good, they become better. When you search for what’s good, you feel great.”
― Vanessa Van Edwards, Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People

“When you try to be the same as everyone else, it’s boring. When you try to fit into a mold, you become forgettable. When you try to be “normal,” you become dull. Just be yourself, because no one is like you. If you’re a little weird, own it. The right people will like you for it.”
― Vanessa Van Edwards, Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People

“Next to physical survival, the greatest need of a human being is psychological survival—to be understood, to be affirmed, to be validated, to be appreciated. —Stephen Covey”
― Vanessa Van Edwards, Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People

“If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.”
― Vanessa Van Edwards, Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People

“Whether we like to admit it or not, we decide if we like someone, if we trust someone, and if we want a relationship with someone within the first few seconds of meeting them.”
― Vanessa Van Edwards, Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People

“Don’t try to impress people, let them impress you.”
― Vanessa Van Edwards, Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People

“Vulnerability is sexy—it shows we are relatable, honest, and real. That is attractive. And the science proves it: “A blunder tends to humanize him and, consequently, increases his attractiveness.”5”
― Vanessa Van Edwards, Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People

“There is an African proverb that says: If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.”
― Vanessa Van Edwards, Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People

“Leading people is about communicating a mission and then letting them take part in it. If you want to motivate a colleague, empower a team, or inspire a friend, all you have to do is figure out how to give them ownership.”
― Vanessa Van Edwards, Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People

“When someone does a kindness for you, they are more likely to like you.6 This is dubbed the Franklin effect.”
― Vanessa Van Edwards, Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People

“people skills are the social lubricant of life.”
― Vanessa Van Edwards, Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People

“With a first impression, you are a Triple Threat when you use your hands, your posture, and your eye contact. These are the three nonverbal weapons you can use to pass through all three levels of trust.”
― Vanessa Van Edwards, Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People

“When you Name, Understand, and Transform someone out of their difficulty, you become their ally.”
― Vanessa Van Edwards, Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People

“Most people’s choices make sense to them. When they don’t make sense to you, it’s usually because you are being driven by a different primary value.”
― Vanessa Van Edwards, Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People

“In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun. You find the fun and—SNAP—the job’s a game. —Mary Poppins”
― Vanessa Van Edwards, Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People

“When you produce dopamine during a conversation, you not only give your partner more enjoyment, you are also assigned more significance, which increases your memorability.”
― Vanessa Van Edwards, Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People

“Impressing people with fake flawlessness is both impossible and exhausting. Vulnerability is what truly elevates relationships.”
― Vanessa Van Edwards, Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People

“Assume intimacy with people before you have it.”
― Vanessa Van Edwards

“Humans are purpose-driven creatures. We want to believe there are reasons behind everything we do. Before leaders can inspire action, they have to get emotional buy-in. When we explain the motivations behind a goal, it allows listeners to feel partial ownership of that goal.”
― Vanessa Van Edwards, Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People

“The power of our first impression lies not in what we say, but how we say it. The most popular TED Talkers leveled up their audiences before even getting to their big idea. They did this by using what I call: HACK #2: The Triple Threat Make a powerful first impression by nonverbally hacking all three levels of trust.”
― Vanessa Van Edwards, Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People

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― Vanessa Van Edwards, Cues: Master the Secret Language of Charismatic Communication

“Instead of randomly delegating or hoping people will self-select, you want to divide the list by skills. This highlights people’s abilities so they feel capable, as opposed to burdened. To do this, use what I call Skill Solicitation. Skill Solicitation is when you ask people to self-identify based on capability: Is anyone good at _____? Do you know anything about _____? I need someone who is strong with ______.”
― Vanessa Van Edwards, Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People

“Just be yourself, because no one is like you. If you’re a little weird, own it. The right people will like you for it.”
― Vanessa Van Edwards, Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People

“They remembered more when the story was printed in Comic Sans compared to Arial or Bodoni fonts.”
― Vanessa Van Edwards, Cues: Master the Secret Language of Charismatic Communication

“trying to get to the root of her fear. This helps him comprehend what’s going on and allows her to sort out her emotions. Once she feels heard and validated, then she moves into stage two of the NUT Job: understanding.”
― Vanessa Van Edwards, Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People

“One person’s mood can affect both the mood of others and an entire group’s collaboration and decisions.”
― Vanessa Van Edwards, Cues: Master the Secret Language of Charismatic Communication

“WARMTH CUE #2: Nod to Know”
― Vanessa Van Edwards, Cues: Master the Secret Language of Charismatic Communication

“When I see contempt, I think red flag. Contempt is a devious little emotion. When it isn’t addressed, it festers and grows into deep disrespect and hatred.”
― Vanessa Van Edwards, Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People

“Most people make the mistake of not looking too excited when negotiating for something they want. This actually works against you! Using nonverbal warmth and competence both builds rapport with your negotiator and helps them respect you—which might get you a better deal. Researchers even found that nonverbal ambivalence (trying to be neutral) hurts your ability to negotiate.33 They found that showing nonverbal signs of disappointment when you hear a bad offer can actually cause the person you’re negotiating with to make larger concessions. This is a more authentic way to negotiate—why hide your excitement or stifle your upset? Show it all! Highlight your true feelings. When you hear something that you don’t like or don’t agree with, switch to your Danger Zone cues. This is a nonconfrontational yet clear way to show disappointment and get the other person to make concessions without having to say a word. They offer you a bad price: you lip purse. They offer an unworkable timeline: you furrow your brow and cross your arms. They don’t give you what you need: you shake your head no and turn away. These are subtle nonverbal ways of saying, No thanks. Can you do any better?”
― Vanessa Van Edwards, Cues: Master the Secret Language of Charismatic Communication

“Stop forcing yourself to socialize in ways that drain you. Go where you thrive, avoid where you survive. Say no so you have the energy to say yes.”
― Vanessa Van Edwards, Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People