Tovah P. Klein > Quotes

“Sharing is equated with being a decent person. That may fit for adults but it is far from fitting for young children. Misunderstanding what sharing is and how your child learns about it over time gets in the way of healthy social development. This is especially true if share means giving up what they have and need. People who feel deprived or in need of something do not feel generous, especially when they are two, three, four, or five.”
― Tovah P. Klein, How Toddlers Thrive: What Parents Can Do Today for Children Ages 2-5 to Plant the Seeds of Lifelong Success

“At the point of the tantrum, your child has told you she is overwhelmed and over the edge. She cannot listen or be rational in the midst of it. Don’t make demands of your child, don’t try to cajole or negotiate, as she is too upset. Once they have hit the meltdown point, the best you can do is let them have the tantrum, and never laugh or shame them for it. This level of anger is actually frightening to them, too. They are literally beyond control themselves, their brains are overwhelmed, and they count on you to keep them safe. For some children, that means you sitting close by and waiting. Other children want or need to be held (some thrash a lot, so protect yourself).”
― Tovah P. Klein, How Toddlers Thrive: What Parents Can Do Today for Children Ages 2-5 to Plant the Seeds of Lifelong Success

“Every time you comfort your child or walk them through a routine, you are helping form these connections.”
― Tovah P. Klein, How Toddlers Thrive: What Parents Can Do Today for Children Ages 2-5 to Plant the Seeds of Lifelong Success

“kind of toddlertopia—that state of enjoying your toddlers, loving them, and embracing them, in all their ups and downs and paradoxical behaviors—without giving up your parental authority.”
― Tovah P. Klein, How Toddlers Thrive: What Parents Can Do Today for Children Ages 2-5 to Plant the Seeds of Lifelong Success

“Many parents think their role is to make children happy. Meet their needs and they will be happy. But think about it. Your child knows how to be happy. Give him a lollipop? Happy. Let her splash in a mud puddle? Happy. Play run and chase, over and over again? Happy. They don’t need us to make them happy.”
― Tovah P. Klein, How Toddlers Thrive: What Parents Can Do Today for Children Ages 2-5 to Plant the Seeds of Lifelong Success

“She’ll start to say to herself, “This is hard but I can do it,” or your son will say, “It’s scary but I’m okay.”
― Tovah P. Klein, How Toddlers Thrive: What Parents Can Do Today for Children Ages 2-5 to Plant the Seeds of Lifelong Success

“(“Hitting people hurts. But I can hit that hammer toy instead.”) And it’s this ability to cope with strong feelings and handle behavior in socially acceptable ways that is the essence of self-regulation,”
― Tovah P. Klein, How Toddlers Thrive: What Parents Can Do Today for Children Ages 2-5 to Plant the Seeds of Lifelong Success

“They need to experience events over and over (and over!) again to master them, especially something as hard as managing strong emotions. Lots of practice and repetition are needed. Every time you respond to a frightened child with comforting words, “Oh . . . that was scary. The noise was so loud. I’m here with you. You’re safe,” or you encourage your child to persist in a task by labeling their feelings, “You’re feeling so frustrated because that puzzle piece doesn’t fit! You can try again and it might fit,” your child is building connections between thoughts, feelings, and soothing. Over hundreds or even thousands of trials, your child will begin to internalize this process.”
― Tovah P. Klein, How Toddlers Thrive: What Parents Can Do Today for Children Ages 2-5 to Plant the Seeds of Lifelong Success

“parental words and actions bring the parent and child back together. The repair and recognition of their experience help the child settle back down. And even if it takes your child a while to settle (some children’s reactions are more intense emotionally and will need more time to subside), you have shown him you are there to provide help and comfort, even in rough times. How relieved he feels to know this! When you see responses from the child’s point of view, it helps you understand and label what they are feeling, which helps your child feel understood, and in turn brings down his emotional arousal, even if you can’t change the situation or undo what happened. Again, it does not mean giving in to every demand or desire. It means seeing what they see, and connecting to their emotional reactions.”
― Tovah P. Klein, How Toddlers Thrive: What Parents Can Do Today for Children Ages 2-5 to Plant the Seeds of Lifelong Success

“The bottom line: Do not notice what your children eat. Simply serve, chat, and enjoy.”
― Tovah P. Klein, How Toddlers Thrive: What Parents Can Do Today for Children Ages 2-5 to Plant the Seeds of Lifelong Success

“Monitor baths: For some children bathtime winds them up. If that is the case, do it earlier in your routine, or leave it for the morning. For others, it is calming. • Avoid electronics and TV, which can have a reawakening effect on many children. They seem calm and cozied in as they watch TV, but then they are excited when the video is done. Best not to use electronics or TV close to bedtime. • Keep routines short and simple. They should take no more than an hour (at most, if you are including the bath), and thirty minutes is even better. Lengthier routines get children stirred up as they have extra time to anticipate the inevitable separation. • Let them have simple choices. “Would you like to read Curious George first or Goodnight Moon?” Such simple questions give them some, but limited control and keeps you moving forward to bed. • Sing or listen to a lullaby—either can be soothing. Some parents like to add prayers or a quiet review of the day. • Try to create a cozy corner in their room for sleep once your child moves to a bed. Make sure the bed is against a wall, ideally in a corner, and feels like a comforting place. • If one parent is coming home late, do your best not to have it during the good-night routine. For many children, the return of that parent stirs them up. Better that they see you, when they are refreshed, in the morning.”
― Tovah P. Klein, How Toddlers Thrive: What Parents Can Do Today for Children Ages 2-5 to Plant the Seeds of Lifelong Success

“In order to separate and grow into her best possible self, a child first needs a trusting relationship with you. She needs to know that she can count on you no matter what she does. This trust is built on her knowing that you understand all (or most!) of her needs.”
― Tovah P. Klein, How Toddlers Thrive: What Parents Can Do Today for Children Ages 2-5 to Plant the Seeds of Lifelong Success

“At the point of the tantrum, your child has told you she is overwhelmed and over the edge. She cannot listen or be rational”
― Tovah P. Klein, How Toddlers Thrive: What Parents Can Do Today for Children Ages 2-5 to Plant the Seeds of Lifelong Success

“own reactions so that you can better attune to experience”
― Tovah P. Klein, How Toddlers Thrive: What Parents Can Do Today for Children Ages 2-5 to Plant the Seeds of Lifelong Success

“So all of us experience our emotions long before our reasoning kicks in. But for toddlers this difference is even more dramatic.”
― Tovah P. Klein, How Toddlers Thrive: What Parents Can Do Today for Children Ages 2-5 to Plant the Seeds of Lifelong Success

“One of the best ways parents can help toddlers build these lifelong skills is by helping young children navigate their negative emotions.”
― Tovah P. Klein, How Toddlers Thrive: What Parents Can Do Today for Children Ages 2-5 to Plant the Seeds of Lifelong Success

“learn they indeed can calm down, can follow directions, can sleep on their own.”
― Tovah P. Klein, How Toddlers Thrive: What Parents Can Do Today for Children Ages 2-5 to Plant the Seeds of Lifelong Success

“Knowing how to handle the negative leads to happiness, persistence, and the ability to handle life’s challenges. This can be seen clearly when we try to help our toddlers manage transitions, those that occur daily and bigger, one-time transitions as well. In doing so, you will set your child on the road to handling these hurdles throughout life. chapter seven Cracking the Code on Transitions Helping Toddlers Manage Change Three-year-old Annabelle is preparing a delicious Play-Doh meal she has carefully created, plates laid out on the floor all in a row, cups at each place, with bright red Play-Doh for the meal.”
― Tovah P. Klein, How Toddlers Thrive: What Parents Can Do Today for Children Ages 2-5 to Plant the Seeds of Lifelong Success

“try to cajole or negotiate, as she is too upset. Once they have hit the meltdown point, the best you can do is let them have the tantrum, and never laugh or shame them for it. This level of anger is actually frightening to them, too. They are literally beyond control themselves, their brains are overwhelmed, and they count on you to keep them safe. For some children, that means you sitting close by and waiting. Other children want or need to be held (some thrash a lot, so protect yourself).”
― Tovah P. Klein, How Toddlers Thrive: What Parents Can Do Today for Children Ages 2-5 to Plant the Seeds of Lifelong Success

“So how do parents avoid pushing the shame button? They need to pull back and remember that their child is learning; learning means trial and error and figuring it out. For parents, this means backing off, directing less, withholding criticism, letting children try on their own, and refraining from correcting tasks we think are done incorrectly or from doing tasks for them. But it also means being there to help and comfort them when frustration, discomfort, and upset set in.”
― Tovah P. Klein, How Toddlers Thrive: What Parents Can Do Today for Children Ages 2-5 to Plant the Seeds of Lifelong Success

“They need to experience events over and over (and over!) again to master them, especially something as hard as managing strong emotions.”
― Tovah P. Klein, How Toddlers Thrive: What Parents Can Do Today for Children Ages 2-5 to Plant the Seeds of Lifelong Success

“Think of consistency as a framework for the child’s day. A frame of “usually, we do things this way.” But not always, and even within daily routines, details can vary. If, most of the time, children are organized by routines, are made to feel safe, secure, and loved, then they are much more likely to roll with the punches when routines are broken.”
― Tovah P. Klein, How Toddlers Thrive: What Parents Can Do Today for Children Ages 2-5 to Plant the Seeds of Lifelong Success

“You’re feeling so frustrated because that puzzle piece doesn’t fit! You can try again and it might fit,”
― Tovah P. Klein, How Toddlers Thrive: What Parents Can Do Today for Children Ages 2-5 to Plant the Seeds of Lifelong Success

“Feeling reassured (and relieved), he quickly perked up and pounded the dough.”
― Tovah P. Klein, How Toddlers Thrive: What Parents Can Do Today for Children Ages 2-5 to Plant the Seeds of Lifelong Success

“Toddlers are in the throes of many new and complex emotions (anger, fear, worry, sadness, elation, pride, shame) and making new neural connections every day (through their senses, through language, through their play). And often toddlers don’t quite know how to handle all this new information and stimulation. Their thoughts, feelings, and responses hit them intensely. This is why toddlers throw themselves on the floor in hysterics, or unexpectedly go from happy to angry or sad within seconds. They can’t yet control the rapidly shifting feelings that all this new information triggers inside them. And this is all totally normal.”
― Tovah P. Klein, How Toddlers Thrive: What Parents Can Do Today for Children Ages 2-5 to Plant the Seeds of Lifelong Success

“if you don’t help your child learn how to manage frustrations, anger, and setbacks when they are young, do you think they can magically do it later? Now is the time, in your loving care, that you can help them learn to handle negative feelings, in themselves and others, and set them up for success in life, learning, and relationships.”
― Tovah P. Klein, How Toddlers Thrive: What Parents Can Do Today for Children Ages 2-5 to Plant the Seeds of Lifelong Success

“When your child is done eating, she is done. Most children, especially at two and three, won’t sit once they are finished and it is not reasonable to expect them to. It should be fine for them to get up and go play.”
― Tovah P. Klein, How Toddlers Thrive: What Parents Can Do Today for Children Ages 2-5 to Plant the Seeds of Lifelong Success

“part of the tantrum is the repair that follows. When your child has settled down, make sure to come back together and let her know you are still here for her—with a hug, a loving coming together. “You were so angry. I am here and I always love you. Even when you are screaming and upset.”
― Tovah P. Klein, How Toddlers Thrive: What Parents Can Do Today for Children Ages 2-5 to Plant the Seeds of Lifelong Success

“base?”
― Tovah P. Klein, How Toddlers Thrive: What Parents Can Do Today for Children Ages 2-5 to Plant the Seeds of Lifelong Success

“a person who feels confident to explore the world around him with excitement and curiosity, who is not afraid to make mistakes, who feels secure enough to begin to make friends, and who feels well-adjusted enough to bounce back when she is disappointed.”
― Tovah P. Klein, How Toddlers Thrive: What Parents Can Do Today for Children Ages 2-5 to Plant the Seeds of Lifelong Success