John Townsend > Quotes

“Emotions, or feelings, have a function. They tell us something. They are a signal....Anger tells us that our boundaries have been violated. Much like a nation's radar defense system, angry feelings serve as an "early warning system" telling us we're in danger of being injured or controlled.”
― Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

“And healthy people love honesty. Normalizing truthfulness in your relationships is simply inserting your own realities into the conversation, the meeting, or the event.”
― John Townsend, Beyond Boundaries: Learning to Trust Again in Relationships

“Healthy intimate relationships involve a dedication of one’s self to the betterment of the other. You need someone who will count the cost of having an attachment to you and who is willing to then make a real commitment.”
― John Townsend, Beyond Boundaries: Learning to Trust Again in Relationships

“Love cannot exist without freedom.”
― John Townsend, Beyond Boundaries: Learning to Trust Again in Relationships

“The habit of doing what is best, rather than what is comfortable, to achieve a worthwhile outcome.”
― John Townsend, The Entitlement Cure: Finding Success at Work and in Relationships in a Shortcut World

“Humility is simply accepting the reality of who God is and who you are.”
― John Townsend, The Entitlement Cure: Finding Success at Work and in Relationships in a Shortcut World

“People who have happiness as their goal get locked into the pain/pleasure motivation cycle. They never do what causes them pain, but always do what brings them pleasure. This puts us on the same thinking level as a child, who has difficulty seeing past his or her fear of pain and love of pleasure.”
― John Townsend, The Entitlement Cure: Finding Success at Work and in Relationships in a Shortcut World

“You have to learn the difference between a need, which should be met, and an entitled desire, which should be starved.”
― John Townsend, The Entitlement Cure: Finding Success at Work and in Relationships in a Shortcut World

“Love can’t rule when shame is in charge.”
― John Townsend, Beyond Boundaries: Learning to Trust Again in Relationships

“Meeting a need leads to life, and feeding an entitlement leads to destruction.”
― John Townsend, The Entitlement Cure: Finding Success at Work and in Relationships in a Shortcut World

“Entitlement is: The man who thinks he is above all the rules. The woman who feels mistreated and needs others to make it up to her.”
― John Townsend, The Entitlement Cure: Finding Success at Work and in Relationships in a Shortcut World

“Entitlement is the belief that I am exempt from responsibility and I am owed special treatment.”
― John Townsend, The Entitlement Cure: Finding Success at Work and in Relationships in a Shortcut World

“I had told our kids in a thousand ways, “As you go through life with us, you will need a lot of things. You’ll get what you need — things like love, food, shelter, safety, values, structure, faith, opportunity, and an education. We are committed to seeing that you get what you need. But we also want you to know that you really don’t deserve anything. You can’t demand a toy, a phone, a laptop, or a car. That attitude won’t work with us. Need, yes; deserve, not so much.” The”
― John Townsend, The Entitlement Cure: Finding Success at Work and in Relationships in a Shortcut World

“Rewards and praise are most effective when they focus on an achievement that took time and energy.”
― John Townsend, The Entitlement Cure: Finding Success at Work and in Relationships in a Shortcut World

“SOME OF THE NICEST PEOPLE in the world are also total flakes. They can be caring, well-intentioned, and thoughtful. Yet at the same time, they can be undependable and unreliable. I”
― John Townsend, The Entitlement Cure: Finding Success at Work and in Relationships in a Shortcut World

“Some parents mistakenly view guilt as a sign that they care about their teen. But guilt is more about the parent, because guilt centers on the parent’s failures and badness rather than on the teen’s difficulty and hurt.”
― John Townsend, Boundaries With Teens

“Keep in mind that while your child may be better in ability, she is no better intrinsically. In the eyes of God, she is no better than anyone else, as the Lord is no respecter of persons (see Acts 10:34).”
― John Townsend, The Entitlement Cure: Finding Success at Work and in Relationships in a Shortcut World

“all aspects of our lives are deeply affected by the presence or absence of friendships. Friendships are more than a luxury or icing on the cake. They are a necessity.”
― John Townsend, How to be a Best Friend Forever: Making and Keeping Lifetime Relationships

“So the best answer is to keep developing your own boundaries, your ability to say yes and no in love, and to be truthful. Then you will be confident in your abilities to take care of yourself in relationships, and you will enjoy getting to know those people you”
― John Townsend, Beyond Boundaries: Learning to Trust Again in Relationships

“We can learn to trust again, no matter what has happened, if we take the right path, step by step.”
― John Townsend, Beyond Boundaries: Learning to Trust Again in Relationships

“The Hard Way is the entitlement cure. It is a path of behaviors and attitudes that undo the negative effects of entitlement, whether in ourselves or in others.”
― John Townsend, The Entitlement Cure: Finding Success at Work and in Relationships in a Shortcut World

“Love is not enough. Nor are attentiveness, romantic feelings, a charming personality, great competencies and skills, or promises to change. You need substance underneath the topping. Don’t sell yourself short. Character always wins over time.”
― John Townsend, Beyond Boundaries: Learning to Trust Again in Relationships

“Basically, children will mature to the level the parent structures them, and no higher.”
― John Townsend

“Be a supporter of your kid’s extra-family world, as long as that world is one that is reasonably safe and supports your own values and beliefs.”
― John Townsend, Boundaries With Teens

“In its essence, entitlement goes deeper than a person thinking, It’s okay if I want to be lazy because someone else will bear my burdens, or I’m so special that the rules don’t apply to me. In fact, entitlement goes so deep that it rejects the very foundations on which God constructed the universe. At its heart, entitlement is a rejection of reality itself.”
― John Townsend, The Entitlement Cure: Finding Success at Work and in Relationships in a Shortcut World

“Praise should be reserved for those times when someone stretches himself beyond the norm, puts extra effort or time into a task, or exceeds expectations. It’s not about doing the minimum, the expected.”
― John Townsend, The Entitlement Cure: Finding Success at Work and in Relationships in a Shortcut World

“Being a parent of a teen can cure a person of narcissism. When your child was born, you were the center of her world. You were special to her. Now that she is an adolescent, you have become less central. No matter what you do, she continues to invest in the outside world more than she does in the home.”
― John Townsend, Boundaries With Teens

“Always remember that while grace and truth come together, grace comes before truth.”
― John Townsend, How to be a Best Friend Forever: Making and Keeping Lifetime Relationships

“Understand that her desire to get away from you is normal. Accept that she is getting tired of your control, rules, and restrictions. Provide her with some positive and happy experiences at home. Work with her on establishing a reasonably happy and functional environment at home. Compromise when you can, love always, and be strict when you need to.”
― John Townsend, Boundaries With Teens

“Everything significant starts with relationship. At the end of the day, your faith, your family, your work, and your leadership are all based on who you relate to and how you relate. Your life is motivated by love for others, being part of a family, a desire for intimacy and vulnerability, choosing to work on a great team, and creating a product or service that helps others. We are happiest when we know our lives revolve around people. Conversely, we are not ourselves, not our best selves, when we are isolated and alone.”
― John Townsend, People Fuel: Fill Your Tank for Life, Love, and Leadership