Rita Rudner > Quotes

“I love to sleep. Do you? Isn't it great? It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious.”
― Rita Rudner

“I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”
― Rita Rudner

“Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.”
― Rita Rudner

“I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and say to myself "well, that's not going to happen”
― Rita Rudner

“A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.”
― Rita Rudner

“Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replay in sports. They've already forgotten what's happened.”
― Rita Rudner

“I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. ”
― Rita Rudner

“How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue...and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where does the glue go?”
― Rita Rudner

“I never panic when I get lost. I just change where it is I want to go.”
― Rita Rudner

“My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpets or ruin our lives.”
― Rita Rudner

“When I meet a man I ask myself, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?”
― Rita Rudner

“Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.”
― Rita Rudner

“When I met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always”
― Rita Rudner

“Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' on what? On fire?”
― Rita Rudner

“Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.”
― Rita Rudner

“Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.”
― Rita Rudner

“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.”
― Rita Rudner

“In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.”
― Rita Rudner

“I had the most boring office job in the world...I used to clean the windows on envelopes.”
― Rita Rudner

“My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married adn I didn't want him to.”
― Rita Rudner

“My mother buried three husbands...and two of them were only napping.”
― Rita Rudner

“My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.”
― Rita Rudner

“When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.”
― Rita Rudner

“The airline oxygen masks don't really help you. They're just there to muffle the screams.”
― Rita Rudner

“I don't panic when I get lost. I just change where I want to go.”
― Rita Rudner

“When I eventually met Mr. Right, I had no idea his first name was Always.”
― Rita Rudner

“Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all
respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.”
― Rita Rudner, Forgotten Pleasures: A Guide for the Seasonal Adventurer

“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life”
― Rita Rudner

“I love being married. It's so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”
― Rita Rudner