Robert Bevan > Quotes

“Oh come on man,” said Dave. “That’s seriously not cool. You’re supposed to ride those, not use them as meat shields.” ”
― Robert Bevan, Critical Failures

“Oh my heavens!" said Julian's disembodied voice. "I seem to have pulled my big meaty hamstring! However will I deliver this basket of raw human flesh to the orphanage?”
― Robert Bevan, Zombie Attack!!!

“He easily outran everyone, bolting deeper into the forest like a coked-up hooker fleeing a crime scene.”
― Robert Bevan, Critical Failures

“We live in a world where very smart people, scientists and engineers, make things so that the rest of us stupid people don’t have to understand how they work. It’s great for us. It allows us to have all sorts of luxuries without having the first clue as to how they work.”
― Robert Bevan, Critical Failures III: A Storm of S-Words

“Cooper reached a clawed hand under his loincloth and scratched his balls thoughtfully.”
― Robert Bevan, d6

“Now, tell me what business you have in my wood.” “I'm not interested in your wood,” said Cooper. “As a matter of fact, I thought you were a woman.”
― Robert Bevan, Critical Failures VI

“His ears were assaulted by a roar like a lion getting raped by an elephant.”
― Robert Bevan, Critical Failures

“It was like Riverdance, except with lion-man rape-monsters bleeding from the nuts.”
― Robert Bevan, Critical Failures VI

“Three of Rostand the Baker’s seven children have conspicuously blue eyes and blond hair, much like Stanford P. Ames, the smithy who was found dead in his kitchen with forty-seven stab wounds in his back. Police called it a suicide, but there are rumors.”
― Robert Bevan, Critical Failures II: Fail Harder

“Circle of life, my disgusting friend. Get busy living or get the shit smashed out of you with a porno mag.”
― Robert Bevan, Hell's Titties

“UUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGG,” groaned someone in a shrill British accent. It sounded like Hermione Granger giving birth to a full-grown Hagrid.”
― Robert Bevan, Pain in the Aasimar

“I’m an eight hundred pound minotaur. Whether I trust you or not is inconsequential as long as we both know I could kill you without breaking a sweat.” “I”
― Robert Bevan, Critical Failures V

“People don’t believe the person telling the truth. They either believe the person telling them what they want to hear, or they believe the person they like better.”
― Robert Bevan, d6

“You’d have to combine at least two of any randomly selected occupants to get a full set of eyes, limbs, or teeth.”
― Robert Bevan, A Fistful of Gold Pieces

“It smacked loud, like the hot nun's ruler against the priest's bare ass in Penance and Penetration IV: Hot Cross Buns.”
― Robert Bevan, Critical Failures VI

“Butterbean!” came Katherine’s voice from the woods.  Chaz wondered, as he lazily chucked another pine cone onto the fire, if he were given an infinite amount of time and paper, and were asked to continue writing what he thought the next word he was going to hear out of Katherine’s mouth just a moment ago, how many centuries and libraries’ worth of paper he would go through before he came up with the word “butterbean”.”
― Robert Bevan, Critical Failures

“We’ve already got our night planned. We’re going to eat Chinese food, get high as fuck, and watch Twin Peaks.”
― Robert Bevan, Hell's Titties

“That doesn’t even mean anything. That was just purposeless vulgarity.”
― Robert Bevan, Elf Inflicted

“Often times I've seen that it's possible to wield full control over weak-minded men simply by telling them they are in a class above others.”
― Robert Bevan, Critical Failures VII

“Hey, man, this is for the greater good,” said Floyd. “You want America’s children to grow up in a world full of giant masturbating cockroaches?”
― Robert Bevan, Hell's Titties

“My idea is a practical means to implement your idea, you peg-dicked monkey fucker!”
― Robert Bevan, Critical Failures VI

“Then five or six more residual traps fired off at greater intervals. And then nothing. “Dude,” said Dave. “What have you got against horses?” “It had to be done.” “And that,” said Tim, “is how you disarm a room full of traps.”
― Robert Bevan, Critical Failures II: Fail Harder

“Well,” said Tim. “They pat us down pretty good, and take all of our weapons before we go in. We’re going to have to smuggle in the stake.” “And how do you propose to do that?” asked Frank. The grimace on his face suggested he already had a pretty good idea of what the answer was going to be. “We’ve got to shove it up Cooper’s ass.” Frank sighed. “Of course you do.”
― Robert Bevan, Critical Failures II: Fail Harder

“That’s quality programming. It’s on the Arts and Entertainment Network.”
― Robert Bevan, Critical Failures III: A Storm of S-Words

“Summoning a demon was a fairly complicated process, but Bucky knew all too well that summoning a carload of assholes was as simple as lighting a cigarette.”
― Robert Bevan, Hell's Titties

“NES?” asked Julian, proud of himself for at least remembering what RPG meant. Tim sighed. “Nintendo Entertainment System. Jesus, didn’t you have a childhood? What the fuck did you do all summer?” “I went to the pool, rode my bike, played outside with my friends.” Cooper put his hand on Julian’s shoulder. “You poor, poor bastard.”
― Robert Bevan, Probing the Annis

“Your mom has run into a lot of men here,” said Cooper. “The big black ones were always her favorite.”
― Robert Bevan, Critical Failures

“We have the advantage of having no idea where we are or what we're doing.”
― Robert Bevan, Critical Failures

“He grinned broadly to himself. He’d show Bucky who was productive. Hell, he might even put on pants today.”
― Robert Bevan, Hell's Titties

“It's practical. You get a bunch of scared, not-terribly-bright people together, and they'll make decisions undermining their own best interests, knowing that they're doing so, if it means making sure that no individual or faction among them appears to benefit disproportionately. Look at the American south.”
― Robert Bevan, Critical Failures VI