Henny Youngman > Quotes

“Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.”
― Henny Youngman

“I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.”
― Henny Youngman

“A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.”
― Henny Youngman

“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.”
― Henny Youngman

“I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.”
― Henny Youngman

“If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.”
― Henny Youngman

“My grandmother is over eighty
and she still doesn’t need glasses.

Drinks right out of the bottle.”
― Henny Youngman

“Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. ”
― Henny Youngman

“I've got all the money I'll ever need. If I die by 4:00.”
― Henny Youngman

“Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.”
― Henny Youngman

“When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win. -Henny Youngman, comedian and violinist (1906-1998)”
― Henny Youngman

“When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win.”
― Henry Youngman

“My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?”
― Henny Youngman

“Some have been thought brave because they were afraid to run away.”
― Henry Youngman

“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”
― Henny Youngman

“The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this."
The doctor says, "Then don't do that!”
― Henny Youngman

“When I read about the dangers of drinking, I gave up reading”
― Henny Youngman

“I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman”
― Henny Youngman

“If at first you don't succeed... So much for skydiving.”
― Henry Youngman

“„Докторът казал на един пациент, че му остават още 6 месеца жевот. Пациентът не можал да си плати сметката, и докторът му дал още 6 месеца.”
― Henny Youngman

“A man walks into a library and says, ‘I hope you don’t have a book on reverse psychology.”
― Henny Youngman

“Dancing on pointe...Why don't they just get taller girls?”
― Henny Youngman

“My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.”
― Henny Youngman

“Most women are attracted to simple things in life. Like men.”
― Henny Youngman

“If you're gonna do something tonight that you'll regret tomorrow morning, sleep late”
― Henny Youngman