Diana Rowland > Quotes

“When did I turn into a needywhiny angsty idiot who needed to be swept off her feet? She snorted then started running again, forcing me into a brief sprint to catch up. We're conditioned from birth she said. I swear to god,if I ever have a daughter I'll ban all of the Disney princesses from the house. Except Mulan. She kicks ass.”
― Diana Rowland, Secrets of the Demon

“You’re pretty smart for a Fed.”
“I missed a bunch of questions on the entrance exam on purpose so that I could
get into the agency,”
― Diana Rowland, Mark of the Demon

“It reminds me of an old joke: What did the Zombie say to the whore?"
I looked at him blankly. "Um....what?"
He winked. "Keep the tip.”
― Diana Rowland, My Life as a White Trash Zombie

“I told him about me being a summoner, and what that entailed. At the end of he simply gave a long sigh. “Why couldn’t you simply be an alcoholic like all the other detectives?”
I grinned. “Demon summoning has less vomiting!”
― Diana Rowland, Secrets of the Demon

“Still, waking up this early was just wrong. “Why can’t people be reasonable and only die after eleven A.M.?” I whined.”
― Diana Rowland, My Life as a White Trash Zombie

“He leaned back in his chair. “Detective Gillian, what I want to say at this moment would no doubt be considered extremely inappropriate and unprofessional, even though it would be meant as a compliment to you.” Then he surprised me by laughing. “Screw it. You’re a devious, clever bitch, and I’m glad you work for me.”
― Diana Rowland, Secrets of the Demon

“Ryan stared at me as I pulled my phone out to see who was calling at this late
hour. “You have the Fraggle Rock theme song as your ring tone,” he said, with a
bemused look on his face. “You are so weird.”
― Diana Rowland, Mark of the Demon

“And that old “If you need anything, let me know,” is also a total crock. You hear people say it all the time, but then you never see anyone actually call up the person who said it and say, “Hey, remember when you said to let you know if I needed anything? Well, I’m feeling really overwhelmed. Could you please come clean my kitchen, because if I could have a clean kitchen, I’d feel like I had a bit of a head start.” You’ll never hear someone say that, because then the person asking the other person to clean their kitchen is seen as a helpless, incompetent dick.

What would be so much better would be for the person who spouted the useless “if you need anything just ask” platitude to fucking go over to the person’s house and clean their goddamn kitchen without being asked. Go over and say, “Hey, you go take care of your kid or your work, or go take a fucking nap. And when you get done, you’ll have a clean kitchen. And, no, you don’t owe me a goddamn thing. Someday the shoe will be on the other foot, okay?”
― Diana Rowland, My Life as a White Trash Zombie

“Hell, right now my only weapons were Obnoxious and Snark, and I intended to use them whenever possible.”
― Diana Rowland, Touch of the Demon

“But then again, I was about as far from touchy-feely as you could get. Unless you’re fucking me, don’t put your hands on me.”
― Diana Rowland, My Life as a White Trash Zombie

“Just because I'm insane doesn't mean I have to act all crazy.”
― Diana Rowland, My Life as a White Trash Zombie

“The over-weight and out of shape guy who owned the house had apparently decided that having a half-million dollar house meant that he couldn’t afford to hire someone to clean out his gutters. Now he was dead with what looked to me like a broken neck after the ladder had slipped. He’d taken the plunge into his fancy landscaping—complete with rock garden. But hey, his fucking gutters were clean.”
― Diana Rowland, My Life as a White Trash Zombie

“Look, I know this is the last thing you want to talk about, but I wanted to ask you . . . .” He trailed off, looking strangely uneasy.
“Ask me . . . ?” Ask me to dinner? Ask me out for drinks? Ask me if I wanted to see what he looked like under that uniform? Yow, where’d that last one come from?”
― Diana Rowland, My Life as a White Trash Zombie

“Too easy to lose the way.
Too hard to keep from unraveling when there’s nothing to remind you of who you
are and where you should be.
Another eternity passes in the flick of an eyelash.”
― Diana Rowland, Mark of the Demon

“You’re all angles and elbows right now.” I gave him a sour look. “You certainly know how to make a girl feel sexy.”
He grinned. “Well, how about: If anyone can make an oversize polyester uniform look hot, it’s you.”
― Diana Rowland, Blood of the Demon

“Had I managed to fall into some sort of carnivorous plant? Yeah, bleed on the man-eating plant. Always a good plan.”
― Diana Rowland, Touch of the Demon

“Lying on the metal table in front of me was a middle-aged man decked out in absolutely nothing at all. A dead man. Buck-ass naked with his little shriveled junk right there for everyone to see.”
― Diana Rowland, My Life as a White Trash Zombie

“God-fucking-damn but he was seriously good-looking. “Have you ever had the stuffed pancakes here? They’re evil. I highly recommend them.”
“Heh. The cop is recommending evil,” I said. “Too funny.”
To my surprise, Ivanov chuckled. “You’ve discovered my dark side.”
― Diana Rowland, My Life as a White Trash Zombie

“So I told the lady Biology and high school were useless crap, I was going to get a job, and I was never coming back to school.
And I didn’t.
Yeah, I sure showed them.”
― Diana Rowland, My Life as a White Trash Zombie

“I'm finally getting my life together. Too bad I had to die first.”
― Diana Rowland

“Three hours ago I was in bed, I thought miserably. I should have stayed there.”
― Diana Rowland, My Life as a White Trash Zombie

“This dude could read Pat the Bunnyand make it terrifying.”
― Diana Rowland, Touch of the Demon

“I opened my mouth to tell him he was full of shit, to tell him I knew he'd thrown me under the bus, but all that came out was, "Braaiinns.”
― Diana Rowland, Even White Trash Zombies Get the Blues

“I have missed you. And I did not know anything was missing.”
― Diana Rowland, Touch of the Demon

“Hey, look, I thought with a miserable laugh, this day just got worse.”
― Diana Rowland, My Life as a White Trash Zombie

“I leveled a scowl at him. “Is there
anything in our agreement that says I can’t
call you names?”
He crouched and added a few touches
to the diagram. A very faint smile curved
his mouth. “No.”
My own mouth twitched. “So,
hypothetically, if I were to call you an
asshole, there’d be no reprisals?” I asked
with an innocent look. “Hypothetically, of
course.”
Idris glanced up sharply, then hissed
and drew back his hand as the sigil he was
working on stung him.
“Nothing of that sort is covered by the
agreement,” was Mzatal’s mild reply.
I chuckled under my breath. “I think
I’ll just call you Boss.”
He glanced over at me with a raised
eyebrow. I smiled sweetly in response.
Mzatal straightened, turned fully to me,
hands behind back and head lowered
slightly, and still with the faint hint of a
smile. “There could be consequences.”
I shrugged, still smiling. “What fun
would it be if there weren’t?”
Mzatal lifted his head. “None
whatsoever,” he said, his face betraying a
hint of amusement as he moved to the
center of the diagram.”
― Diana Rowland, Touch of the Demon

“What did the zombie say to the whore?
Keep the tip!”
― Diana Rowland, My Life as a White Trash Zombie

“I’m pre-med,” he added smugly.
“Okay.” I said again. I didn’t shrug this time, but his jaw tightened a bit as if he was annoyed that I wasn’t displaying the proper amazement at his accomplishment.
“And I’m next in line to be promoted to death investigator.” The look he gave me was nothing short of a challenge, and I had to fight to not roll my eyes. What, he expected me to start crowing about my own accomplishments so he could top them? He’d be waiting a long time for that.”
― Diana Rowland, My Life as a White Trash Zombie

“Greg was a supernice guy and a good tenant.”
“I met him only once, but he seemed pretty cool,” I said. “Of course, the neighbor across the street was convinced he was up to no good.”
“Oh, my God, that racist bitch? I swear, I wanted to rent the place out to a black Jewish gay couple just to piss her off, but then I figured it wouldn’t be fair to the black Jewish gay couple.”
― Diana Rowland, Mark of the Demon

“Hey,” I said before he could say anything else that would make the mood even weirder or break it entirely. “You wanna grab some coffee or something someday? I mean, some time when I’m not crawling with maggots,” I added with a laugh that sounded nervous to my own ears and probably sounded desperate and pathetic to his. I totally braced myself for him to hem and haw and say that he couldn’t or had a girlfriend or something. I was shocked instead when he gave me a nod.
“That sounds nice. And I’m cool with the no maggots thing too.”
― Diana Rowland, My Life as a White Trash Zombie