Lewis Grizzard > Quotes

“The only way that I could figure they could improve upon Coca-Cola, one of life's most delightful elixirs, which studies prove will heal the sick and occasionally raise the dead, is to put bourbon in it.”
― Lewis Grizzard

“Kinky sex involves the use of duck feathers. Perverted sex involves the whole duck.”
― Lewis Grizzard

“Life is like a dogsled race. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes.”
― Lewis Grizzard

“If you want something sweet, order the pound cake. Anybody who puts sugar in the corn bread is a heathen who doesn't love the Lord, not to mention Southeastern Conference football.”
― Lewis Grizzard, Southern by the Grace of God

“On a New York subway you get fined for spitting, but you can throw up for nothing.”
― Lewis Grizzard

“I don't think I'll get married again. I'll just find a woman I don't like and give her a house.”
― Lewis Grizzard

“A lot of people won’t listen to old men. A lot of people are stupid.”
― Lewis Grizzard, Kathy Sue Loudermilk, I Love You

“Shoot low, boys. They're ridin' Shetland ponies.”
― Lewis Grizzard

“Chilli dawgs always bark at night.”
― Lewis Grizzard, Chili Dawgs Always Bark at Night

“Life is like a dog sled team. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes.”
― Lewis Grizzard

“There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.”
― Lewis Grizzard

“When my love comes back from the ladies' room, will I be too old to care?”
― Lewis Grizzard

“I was afraid they kept the hogs in a pen out behind the hospital. I've been prepared for surgery and the doctor says to an orderly, 'Leon, go out to the hog pen and get me a valve.”
― Lewis Grizzard, They Tore Out My Heart and Stomped That Sucker Flat

“I want my chicken fried, gravy on my steak, and I want my green beans cooked and my tomatoes served raw. Too many fancy restaurants serve their green beans raw and then they cook their tomatoes - and give you some sort of hard, dark bread with it. This is an unholy aberration I cannot abide.”
― Lewis Grizzard

“I am not about to say that what I put in my body has nothing whatsoever to do with my health, but I suddenly am surrounded by a world of health experts, and it gets tiresome. “You’re eating a greasy cheeseburger, a man in your condition!” Deliver me. We’d all be a lot happier if we lived our own lives and allowed the son of a bitch down the street to live his. I just can’t put it any more simply or directly than that.”
― Lewis Grizzard, I Took a Lickin' and Kept on Ticking

“When I was a kid, the county in which I lived was dry. That is, you had to buy your booze from a bootlegger in order to keep the church people happy.”
― Lewis Grizzard, Don't Sit Under the Grits Tree with Anyone Else But Me

“people who say “Mason jar” instead of “fruit jar” probably are a little snooty and sleep in pajamas.”
― Lewis Grizzard, Don't Sit Under the Grits Tree with Anyone Else But Me

“It’s easy to fall away from the church, no matter the closeness to it in times past. I have done it. So have you. Grown people can do as they please. The 10:30 Sunday morning movie is even an excuse I use. So are Saturday nights that should have ended a lot earlier.”
― Lewis Grizzard, Kathy Sue Loudermilk, I Love You

“I can’t explain why, but a whiskey sour is a drink for a man whose mother made him practice piano a lot when he was a kid. A man who drinks whiskey sours also probably throws a baseball like a girl—limp wristed. A man who drinks whiskey sours and then eats that silly little cherry they put in the bottom probably has a cat or a poodle for a pet. In other words, I wouldn’t go on a camping trip with a man who drinks whiskey sours. Scotch drinkers are aggressive. They order like they’re Charles Bronson trying to have a quick shot before returning to the subway to kill a few punks and thugs. “What’ll you have, sir?” asks the bartender. “Cutty. Water. Rocks. Twist,” growls the Scotch drinker. I think maybe Scotch drinkers wear their underwear too tight. You have to watch people who drink vodka or gin. “Anybody who drinks see-through whiskey,” an old philosopher once said, “will get crazy.” Indeed. Vodka and gin drinkers are the type who leave the house to get a loaf of bread, drop by the bar for just one, and return home six weeks later. With the bread. I wouldn’t go on a camping trip with anyone who drinks vodka or gin, either. They’re the types who would invite snakes, raccoons and bears over for cocktails and then wind up getting into an argument about tree frogs. Bourbon drinkers never grow up. Eight out of ten started drinking bourbon with Coke in school and still have a pair of saddle oxfords in the closet. Bourbon drinkers don’t think they’ve had a good time unless they get sick and pass out under a coffee table. Then there are the white wine drinkers. Never get involved in any way with them. They either want to get married, sell you a piece of real estate or redecorate your house.”
― Lewis Grizzard, Shoot Low, Boys - They're Ridin' Shetland Ponies

“Prince Charles, while visiting the United States in 1977, attended a University of Georgia football game. Trying to be friendly and do what they could for Anglo-American relations, a Georgia fraternity unveiled a huge sign as the Prince walked onto the field at Sanford Stadium that read, “The Prince Does It Dawg Style.”
― Lewis Grizzard, Don't Bend Over in the Garden, Granny, You Know Them Taters Got Eyes

“How can I miss you, if you never go away?”
― Lewis Grizzard