Kenneth M. Adams > Quotes

“There is nothing loving or caring about a close parent-child relationship when it services the needs and feelings of the parent rather than the child.”
― Kenneth M. Adams, Silently Seduced: When Parents Make Their Children Partners

“There are many situations that will require you to set boundaries so you can be clear on who you are and what you need and want, in relationship with others. This is the most important part of your healing process, allowing for the unfolding of your true, authentic self as opposed to playing the role that was defined for you by your parent. This new defined self will be the compass that directs you in moving forward in your life.”
― Kenneth M. Adams, Silently Seduced: When Parents Make Their Children Partners

“An important difference between overt and covert incest is that, while the overt victim feels abused, the covert victim feels idealized and privileged. Yet underneath the thin mask of feeling special and privileged rests the same trauma of the overt victim: rage, anger, shame and guilt. The sense of exploitation resulting from being a parent's surrogate partner or spouse is buried behind a wall of illusion and denial. The adult covert incest victim remains stuck in a pattern of living aimed at keeping the special relationship going with the opposite-sex parent. It is a pattern of always trying to please Mommy and Daddy. In this way the adult continues to be idealized. A privileged and special position is maintained; the pain and suffering of a lost childhood denied. Separation never occurs and feelings of being trapped in the psychological marriage deepen. This interferes with the victim's capacity for healthy intimacy and sexuality.”
― Kenneth M. Adams, Silently Seduced: When Parents Make Their Children Partners : Understanding Covert Incest

“The boundary between caring and incestuous love is crossed when the relationship with the child exists to meet the needs of the parent rather than those of the child. As the deterioration in the marriage progresses, the dependency on the child grows and the opposite-sex parent's response to the child becomes increasingly characterized by desperation, jealousy and a disregard for personal boundaries. The child becomes an object to be manipulated and used so the parent can avoid the pain and reality of a troubled marriage.
The child feels used and trapped, the same feelings overt incest victims experience. Attempts at play, autonomy and friendship render the child guilt-ridden and lonely, never able to feel okay about his or her needs. Over time, the child becomes preoccupied with the parent's needs and feels protective and concerned. A psychological marriage between parent and child results. The child becomes the parent's surrogate spouse.”
― Kenneth M. Adams, Silently Seduced: When Parents Make Their Children Partners : Understanding Covert Incest

“The child’s core needs are rejected, not served. The child feels like an object, not a person. The real needs for love, nurturing, security, and trust are never met. Worse yet, the child is made to believe those needs are met. This is the essence of the damage in a covertly incestuous relationship, along with the trauma of that relationship being bound by inappropriate sexual energy. The reality of covert incest is hard to see clearly, which is why covert incest is so insidious and pervasive in an adult victim’s life.”
― Kenneth M. Adams, Silently Seduced: When Parents Make Their Children Partners

“My mother was the alcoholic in my life. I was the eldest of four children and always had the duties of taking care of my brothers and sisters, the house, and my dad. I resented my mother for this. But my dad praised me so much and gave me so much special attention for being the “little mother” around the house for him, that eventually I didn’t seem to mind my mother’s alcoholism. My dad would always let me sit in his lap at night for being “his girl,” comb my hair, and do special things for me. Something didn’t feel right about it, but it was the only attention I got. As an adult, I seemed to have everything going for me and seemed in control. But my husband confronted me one day and said he was dissatisfied with my difficulties in being intimate with him. He wanted changes or a divorce. I was stunned. That’s when I discovered that growing up in an alcoholic family affected my ability to be intimate. I figured if I dealt with my feelings and issues about my mother, things would be fine. After all, she was the alcoholic. Well, I did deal with her, but things weren’t fine. I came to realize that all that special attention from my dad was really a source of pain and the real culprit behind my difficulty in being close to my husband. Now I realize that I’ve lived my life for him. I chose my husband because I thought my father would approve. The career and family I built were intended to win my father’s admiration and love. Even as an adult, I went to him with intimate details of my life, which he invited. God, I began to feel icky all over again. I was scared and guilt-ridden. I knew I had to stop being “Daddy’s girl” if I was going to save myself and my marriage. It was the most difficult decision I ever had to make about my life: separating from the man who had been the only source of comfort while I was growing up. Yet it was also the most freeing decision I ever made.”
― Kenneth M. Adams, Silently Seduced: When Parents Make Their Children Partners

“3. Communication is best if indirect, with one person acting
as messenger between two others (triangulation). 4. Be strong, good, right, perfect. Make us proud.
(unrealistic expectations) 5. Don’t be selfish. 6. Do as I say, not as I do. 7. It is not okay to play or be playful. 8. Don’t rock the boat.”
― Kenneth M. Adams, Silently Seduced: When Parents Make Their Children Partners

“Tolerance does explain an escalating pattern of sexual addiction. Tolerance occurs in either fantasy or behavior. For example, an addict using benign fantasies to become sexually aroused may progress to needing sadomasochistic fantasies. Or the addict may switch from fantasies to behavior when the addict reaches a level of tolerance to fantasies alone.”
― Kenneth M. Adams, Silently Seduced: When Parents Make Their Children Partners : Understanding Covert Incest

“The child feels used and trapped; these are the same feelings overt incest victims experience. Attempts at play, autonomy, and friendship render the child guilt-ridden and lonely, never able to feel okay about his or her needs.”
― Kenneth M. Adams, Silently Seduced: When Parents Make Their Children Partners

“Even as adults, we do not gain freedom of choice until we see the past clearly and experience our feelings about it.”
― Kenneth M. Adams, Silently Seduced: When Parents Make Their Children Partners

“The rules described by Subby and Friel are: 1. It’s not okay to talk about problems. 2. Feelings should not be expressed openly.”
― Kenneth M. Adams, Silently Seduced: When Parents Make Their Children Partners

“I was created precious, worthwhile, and valuable simply because I was born. I am equal to every person I encounter, and they are equal to me. I’m not better than, and I’m not less than.”
― Kenneth M. Adams, A Light in the Dark: The Hidden Legacy of Adult Children of Sex Addicts

“Even though my family doesn’t support me, I am courageous, honest, and lovable. I am learning to act in integrity with my values. I am becoming loyal to my innermost truth, and I am following the way when all others abandon it. I am walking the path of my own heart.”
― Kenneth M. Adams, A Light in the Dark: The Hidden Legacy of Adult Children of Sex Addicts

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― Kenneth M. Adams, When He's Married to Mom: How to Help Mother-Enmeshed Men Open Their Hearts to True Love and Commitment