Ashley Morgan Jackson

“As much as it might hurt to hear, I think deep down we all know that God’s number one goal in our lives is not to give us what we want, but to make us more like Christ. And one of the ways that happens is when we make choices that aren’t always easy. Forgiving when we want to hold on to bitterness and resentment. Walking by faith and not by our feelings. Loving people, even when we might not like them. Laying down our rights so we can take up God’s righteousness. It’s not an easy truth to accept, and it feels especially harsh when we can’t see how the hard season we are walking through could possibly be God’s best for us. But in the middle of the pain of a no from God, it helps to remember someone else who had to endure the pain of a no.”
― Ashley Morgan Jackson, Tired of Trying: How to Hold On to God When You’re Frustrated, Fed Up, and Feeling Forgotten

“It was during this time that God began to ask many probing questions. Why the anger? Why the anxiety? Why the bitterness? Why the busyness? Why the striving? Why the insecurity? Ashley, what’s at the root of all this? I was desperately afraid that I was not good enough. I was anxious because I didn’t know how to make things better and afraid they were going to get worse. I was bitter because I wanted to be better than I was. I had always considered myself to be strong, and I wanted to be strong again. I stayed busy in the hope that other people would tell me I had value and my life did matter. I lived insecure because no matter what I tried, it failed to give me the validation I needed. I wanted to be good enough, and all I had was proof that I wasn’t. The pain of this realization and the way it made me feel exposed was a threat to every ounce of who I was. It was like having an exposed nerve—all I wanted was to escape this excruciating pain. God asked me these questions and gave me time and space to wrestle through them until I could acknowledge the sources of identity I was relying on that were not Him. It would have been unfaithful and unloving of God to let me continue relying on those idols when what I really needed was Him. What about you? What reactions have you been living with that might be an indicator of the questions God wants to ask you? He doesn’t point them out to shame us but to set us free. We are often so tired and angry with others because we are asking them to give to us what only God can. When these questions trigger emotion or reveal where we may have gotten stuck along the way, we have a choice to make. We can either face the truth of our hurts and let God uproot what needs to be uprooted and replace it with truth, love, and freedom, or we can hold on to our hurts and continue wrestling with Him for control. I wanted to let go. I wanted to let Him validate me, but I didn’t know how. When we have lived in certain patterns of behavior that we believe keep us safe, nothing can be scarier than being exposed over and over to our true need.”
― Ashley Morgan Jackson, Tired of Trying: How to Hold On to God When You’re Frustrated, Fed Up, and Feeling Forgotten