Pat Harvey

“Invalidating Environment Most parents, upon seeing this intense emotional reaction to a seemingly (to them) minor issue, will be confused and upset themselves. When confronted by your child’s painful emotions, you’ll try to find ways to help her feel better, sometimes by inadvertently trivializing or dismissing her emotions. When you are not aware of your child’s emotional sensitivity, you may (1) attempt to help her get over her feelings by saying things like “It’s really nothing” or “Just forget about it”; (2) try to comfort or reassure her with statements like “It’s okay,” “Don’t worry about it,” or “Tomorrow will be a better day”; or (3) try to fix the situation or give advice by saying something like “Did you talk to your teacher about that problem?” or “Next time, why don’t you do it this way?” For many children, these statements may help them feel better and move on. For your child who has emotional intensity, these statements may actually serve to “invalidate” how she feels, making it seem as though her feelings don’t matter or do not make sense. The impact of the invalidating environment. A child who feels her emotions intensely will become quite confused when the environment (parents, teachers, friends, and so on) around her dismisses, trivializes, or questions what she’s feeling. This response invalidates the child’s experience. She will begin to wonder why she feels awful when others say it isn’t a big deal or what is wrong with her that she feels something that others tell her not to feel.”
― Pat Harvey, Parenting a Teen Who Has Intense Emotions: DBT Skills to Help Your Teen Navigate Emotional and Behavioral Challenges

“times. It might be helpful to avoid confrontations or increasing demands. Being aware of vulnerabilities—yours and your teen’s—allows you to choose the most effective time to discuss situations with her. Awareness of vulnerability factors may help you to minimize anger and frustration within the family.”
― Pat Harvey, Parenting a Teen Who Has Intense Emotions: DBT Skills to Help Your Teen Navigate Emotional and Behavioral Challenges