Ryan Moehring

“I’m betting that if there is a God who created the mountains, he or she would rather have me spend my Sunday afternoon breathing in the sweet mountain air than squeezing in between overweight, flatulent parishioners in an uncomfortable church pew. I’m betting that if there is a God, he or she has a sense of humor and will think that teaching my little cousins how to make fart noises during Sunday school is a more worthwhile endeavor than helping them memorize ancient scriptures some bible scholars scarcely understand. I’m wagering that if there is a God, he or she designed sex to feel good, and that I’ll be a better person from regularly performing what most Christians would consider unspeakably perverse lovemaking acts to my wife than by living a chaste life with a bunch of hairy social outcasts in some remote monastery in the Himalayas.”
― Ryan Moehring, The Fried Twinkie Manifesto: and other tales of disaster and damnation

“Granted, it’s been a while since I was in California,” he continued. “But the last time I was there, people still took their shits sitting down.”
― Ryan Moehring, The Fried Twinkie Manifesto: and other tales of disaster and damnation