Richmal Crompton

“ Readin' all those books makes me wonder whether
anyone ever dies natural."

" They don't," said William mysteriously. " Robert
says so. At least he says there's hundreds an' thousands
of murders what no one finds out. You see, you c'n
only find out a person's died nacheral by cuttin' 'em
up an' they've not got time to cut everyone up what
dies. They've simply not got the time. They do
it like what they do with our desks at school. They
jus' open one sometimes to see if it's all right. They've
not got time to open 'em all every day. An' same as
every time they do open a desk they find it untidy, jus'
in the same way whenever they do cut anyone dead
up they find he's been poisoned. Practically always.
Robert says so. He says that the amount of people
who poison people who aren't cut up and don't get
found out mus' be enormous. Jus' think of it. People
pois'nin' people all over the place an' no one findin' out.

If I was a policeman I'd cut everyone dead up.
But they aren't any use, policemen aren't. Why, in
all those books I've read there hasn't been a single
policeman that was any good at all. They simply
don't know what to do when anyone murders anyone.
Why, you remember in ' The Mystery of the Yellow
Windows,' the policemen were s' posed to have searched
the room for clues an' they di'n't notice the cigarette
end what the murd'rer had left in the fender and what
had the address of the people what made it on it an'
what was a sort they made special for him. Well,
that shows you what the policemen are, dun't it ? I
mean, they look very swanky in their hats an' buttons
an' all that, but when it comes to a murder or cuttin'
dead people up or findin' out murd'rers, they aren't
any good at all. Why, in all those myst'ry tales we've
read, it's not been the police that found the murd'rers
at all. It's been ordinary people same as you an' me
jus' usin' common sense an' pickin' up cigarette ends
an' such-like. . . . Tell you what it is," he said, warm-
ing to his theme, " policemen have gotter be stupid
'cause of their clothes. I mean, all the policemen's
clothes are made so big that they've gotter be very
big men to fit 'em an' big men are always stupid 'cause
of their strength all goin' to their bodies 'stead of their
brains. That stands to reason, dun't it ? ”
― Richmal Crompton