GET OUT NOW

by

Robert Davidson

Author of THE BEAST I LOVED: A Battered Woman’s Desperate Struggle to Survive


As I’ve written in past blogs, abusers are liars (read Don’t Believe the Con Man on my Amazon author page). And in my other blog on that page, Why Didn’t She Just Leave? I explain that most women who stay in abusive relationships are so lacking in self-esteem and feelings of adequacy that they CAN’T leave no matter how rational such a decision seems. They make the mistake of believing their con man (because they have so much NEED to), and have no ability to leave the relationship even if they doubt the veracity of what he is telling her (“I do it because I love you so much” and “I just lost control; I won’t do it again”) because of their desperate need for a relationship—any relationship, as it were—lest they be left alone, feeling unloved and afraid in a world that, thanks to their abuser, they have every right to fear.

This mix of poor self-esteem, need for love and security, and an equally insecure partner who happens to also be an outstanding actor, is a toxic concoction—and a dangerous one. It is so fragile that it is much like highly volatile nitroglycerin. Read the definition and see the correlations: Nitroglycerin: An Explosive Combination of Atoms. Nitroglycerin is an oily, colorless liquid, but also a high explosive that is so unstable that the slightest jolt, impact or friction can cause it to spontaneously detonate. Would you walk around with nitroglycerin in your purse? Would you have it in your house, especially when young children also reside there? Would you SLEEP with it?

When June Briand was being beaten there were few domestic violence agencies, no emergency hotline and little understanding of how widespread the issue of partner abuse was. She had no one to talk to (a telephone book was not allowed in the house, and phone bills were monitored), no computer, no contact with the outside world in many cases (no car, no money) and a husband perched directly across the street working in an auto repair shop—keeping one eye on the car, and one on the apartment across the street that held his prey captive.

But times have now changed. There is abundant help everywhere, and myriad ways to access it. As I’ve said in other writing, the time to leave an abusive relationship is not after the first blow lands, or after the first irrational act of violence erupts, but at the first HINT of a blow, such as a raised hand, a clenched fist, or the brandishing of a weapon. These are not isolated incidents, or as an abuser will often say, something that “just came out of nowhere; I just lost control; it won’t happen again.” The truth is, it WILL happen again, and more and more often, and more and more severely, because the nitroglycerin-of-a-partner is beginning to react; he’s beginning to boil over, and with 100% certainty, the violence will come: the incessant screaming. the slap, the shove against the wall, the kick, the knife to the throat. Then come more blows—both emotional and physical—and then more, along with more excuses, making up, belief that this is the end of the violence, more blows, more making up, more false hopes based on nothing but insecurity, and then ultimately, in far too many cases, the nitro explodes, putting the victim in the hospital—or the morgue.

The title of this blog is all one needs to focus on: Get out, and get out now. Not tomorrow, not after praying on your knees for it all to stop, not after considering all the difficulties involved in leaving. Get out NOW. Do not hint at your intentions or show any evidence that you are preparing to leave. Do not discuss it, do not threaten to leave, just plan accordingly after seeking assistance, and get out NOW.