Mothers are tough.
Not just in the literal sense, though most of us are, but for society to consider. Even now, it’s hard to gauge the expectations: love and nurturing, sure, but also fighting like a grizzly in defense of her cubs, preferably while teaching them to send handwritten thank-you notes.
But at least we have some sense of mothers as full human beings.
In earlier times, that was a much heavier lift…and sometimes just plain impossible.
At the most basic biological level, mothering is mysterious and at least a little threatening: female bodies do something males can’t, and they have only our word that they’re involved. It’s more than biology, too. Mothers, by blood, adoption, or affection, are renowned for the sheer force of their love for their children. And the incredible things it drives them to do.
Motherhood is just a lot. For the people who live it, and the people who deal with us.
Historically, it’s also one of the few ways women get real political and economic power. Even the most patriarchal societies were willing to allow a mother to serve as regent for an underage heir, or to manage the affairs of her young children. She had to walk carefully, though.
While stepping up and running the country, or the business, she also had to practically exemplify the highest standards of ladylike behavior…or risk being described as a she-wolf. It didn’t always go well. Just ask Nero’s mom, or Catherine de’Medici.
The Victorians, as they so often did, went absolutely next-level with all of this.
From labor, which went from a traditionally female group activity overseen by a midwife to a medical procedure led by a heroic male doctor, to the worship of the Angel in the House, they stretched existing ideas. Family life became the “woman’s sphere,” ruled over by “Mother, Queen of Home.”
The Queen of Home, of course, had no interest beyond the needs of her children and spouse. Even when the Queen of Home happened to be the Queen of England, the tropes held. During the mid-Victorian period, when the queen’s nine children were young, she stepped back, allowing Prince Albert to lead. It was not, of course, expressed that way. No one suggested Victoria was simply taking a career stall. Instead, they praised Albert for his work, and considerable acumen.
In a sad and ironic turn, Victoria ended up returning to the job after Albert’s death, and ultimately not just getting good at it, but enjoying it. To the end of her life, though, she – and everyone around her – treated her as a mother first.
More than a century later, we’ve come a long way, baby.
Not as long as we think we have, though,
Study after study shows women are still the ones who do most of the line work of childcare. Younger men are getting better – and there have always been men who loved to spend time with their kids – but much of the messy stuff is still handled by females. And the dirty little secret is, many moms (myself included) don’t mind getting grubby for the love we get in return.
It doesn’t prevent us from being a bit cynical, though. I’ll end this Mother’s Day musing with a dry comment from my Vermont DJ Jaye Jordan: “A man changes a diaper and he gets a parade. A woman takes a bullet for her kid, and maybe, just maybe, somebody will notice.”
Please notice the mothers and others Sunday!

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