Mr. Parke, my editor tells me that you’ve written a book that doesn’t feature a single vampire. Surely this is a miscommunication?

No, that's entirely correct.

So, you mean to say that you've written a self-help book?

No, it’s fiction. It just doesn’t have any vampires.

I’m not sure I understand. Are you telling us it doesn’t actually have a story?

There is a story, it’s just a story about people who are, each and every one of them, not vampires.

So, there are no action scenes, then, and no semi-erotic entanglements?

There are. Just not with vampires.

I have to say, that’s extraordinary. How did you come up with such an original concept?

It just came to me one day. I wrote it down and it worked.

Did you write the story first, and then take out all the vampires?

No. There were no vampires. Ever. Right from the first draft, it was entirely vampire-less.

Amazing. Now, while I applaud your originality on some level, I have to ask; who on earth do you intend to sell this to? Don’t you know that readers want vampires?

I think there are still readers out there who enjoy a good tale, even if it doesn’t have any vampires. Also, readers who enjoy vampire stories might not want to read All vampires, All the time. Sometimes, I suspect, they’ll take a break. That’s where ‘No Hope for Gomez!’ comes in.

Could you tell us something more about the book? For example, how many wizards are there and are they still in high school?

There are no wizards. I can’t stress this enough; No Hope for Gomez! has no wizards, no vampires, no world-weary wise cracking detectives, and no nihilistic characters complaining lengthily about things they supposedly don’t care about.

You are not making a lot of sense right now. Please tell me, weren’t you tempted to put in just one vampire? A little one? Somewhere at the end, maybe?

No. The story really didn’t need any.

I’m so sorry, Graham, I have to cut this interview short. You are obviously delusional and I’m going to make sure you get proper medical attention. Don’t worry, we’ll help you as best we can!


Onward to Part II