I read yesterday that self-publishing authors generally have a fan base consisting solely of one’s loyal friends and close relatives. This made me laugh.

Because it’s the truth.

To date, I have had to be writer, editor, and cover designer. If that wasn’t enough, I had to wade through numerous formatting issues that made me want to scream and hurl myself into my fireplace.

Now it seems I need to figure out how to be my own publicist.

Writing, editing, and formatting can all be done from the comfort of my own home where I can sit at my computer in my pj’s, munching on things belonging to those food categories I am not supposed to be indulging in, and enjoying the cloistered life to which I’ve grown accustomed. Having to think up onerous ways to promote my writing and then actually act on them, fills me with both fear and loathing.

Let’s start with the bad perm and putting myself out there in public. Oh sure, I get lots of compliments, but seriously now. I think we would all probably agree that Margaret Atwood has the final word on bad perms. And is it just me, or does she not bear a striking resemblance to the late Pierre Elliott Trudeau?

Setting the bad perm aside for the moment, let’s explore the options available to me. The following self-publishing “tips” have been gleaned from articles on how to promote yourself when “no self respecting publishing company will look at you”, and you are forced to go the self-publishing route in order to justify all those thousands of hours spent hunched over a computer working up a nasty case of carpal tunnel and scoliosis.

Number One. The press release.

Seriously? Here in P.E.I.? What we have is ” The Guardian”. ” The Guardian” in my opinion is nothing more than a moralistic, muckraking rag that takes delight in targeting the most vulnerable segment of the island population and exposing the sadness and demoralization that their lives have become. It leaves no stone un-turned when sharing the graphic details of their tattered lives. An author from “away” trying to flog her two self-published novels is hardly a front page head-liner when you have gossip in the guise of journalism to compete with. But hey. Sign me up.

The library circuit. I assume this means scheduling an “author visit” and reading select excerpts from either one of my novels, and if the library is amenable to the idea, bringing along copies that can be signed and then sold for a farthing. It would also mean having to find passages to read not containing the F word, which might pose a challenge.

Next. The reading group. I am guessing that the role of a reading group in self-promoting a novel is to ask/beg them to read one of my novels, which means I must provide them with copies of my book to read. Now if the goal at the end of the day is to actually sell books, I am already foreseeing a teeny tiny snag/problemo. To date I have made 58.00 dollars in royalties. I have however spent 200.00 in purchasing my own books to give to relatives and close friends who believe that because they are close friends and relatives they should not have to lay out any cash. When I do the math I am $142.00 in the hole.

The irony has not been lost on me.

Moving right along. Flogging my novels to local bookstores.

Sounds fairly simple and straight forward, right? And it is, if your name happens to be E.L. James, Stephanie Myers, or J.K. Rowling.

As mine happen to be neither of those, and none of my writing falls into any of their three genres, i.e., smut, vampire romance, or fantasy, I am S.O.L.

I can’t write smut. When I had to write a sex scene in my first novel, perspiration broke out on my forehead. I had to go and splash cold water on my face afterwards, and the scene was mild. Call me a prude, but “graphic” is not “erotic” in my opinion.

In my second novel I avoided the perspiration thing and mental discomfort by penning an entire sex scene without mentioning a single body part. You know what they say. Less is more.

In the event that a bookstore would actually agree to carry any of my novels, it would likely be on a consignment basis, meaning that I would agree to purchase them, and they would agree to hide them on a back shelf in a genre-less corner of the shop, and then return all of them to me in three months time when no one had either seen them or purchased them. Sounds like a lose/lwin situation to me, and one not in my favor.

Clearly, I am not going to be retiring to the south of France any time too soon, as my day dreaming fantasies would have me believe.

The reality is that I’m going to continue writing even if it means giving away every single book to anyone willing to give it a go. Like close family and relatives, for instance. Their unbridled enthusiasm and encouraging feed-back after having read my books is the ultimate reward.

Now back to my day job…….