When I first read the French chapter in Bret Easton Ellis’s The Rules of Attraction, as far as I could tell, a translation didn’t exist anywhere on the internet. I thought I would do a good deed and write one myself. Well, since then I’ve found another translation, but here’s my own anyway. I’m sure it isn’t perfect, but if you don’t speak French, you won’t be able to tell anyway haha:

BERTRAND     I couldn’t stop myself from coming up to you at the party. I drank too much tequila and maybe I smoked too much pot, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love you. But after you told me that, I walked to the End of the World and I threw up. Yesterday I broke up with Beba, my girlfriend. You, you were one of the reasons for that (but Beba doesn’t know that I want you) but not the only one. For a long time I’ve felt seduced by you. I’m not crazy, but you interest me and I took some photos of you when you weren’t watching. I’m not able to believe that you don’t notice me. If you would’ve come with me last night, I would’ve made you happy. And I would’ve made you happier than that guy you left with last night. Worse comes to worse, I could always go back to Paris and live with my father. Anyway, America’s boring. You and I would make love in my father’s villa in Cannes. And I’d leave my job as a writer at the Camden Courier. Maybe you saw my articles? “How to Avoid Herpes” and “The Positive Effects of Ecstasy.”  I’m not obsessed with you. I could have any girl I want here (and I practically have), but your legs are perfect, better than all the other girls and your hair is so blond and soft, better again than everyone’s and your figure is perfect too. I don’t know if you’ve had a nose job, but your nose is perfect. Your features are perfect. Maybe I’m going to try again. But not leave next week. Remember that I could make you happy. I’m a good fuck and I have an American Express Platinum Card. I suppose you have it too. Your legs are splendid and better than those of any other girl. What color are your eyes? The pictures I took are all in black and white. I would like to take the same classes as you, but I take pictures and you…what? Fine arts? You are sexy. If I knew someone was as into you as me, and if you, you felt the same way about him, I’d leave. I would return home. Without a doubt.