Siobhan’s review of Cursed Lifeline > Likes and Comments

Hello, I am sorry you did not enjoy the book. Could you give me an example of wrong words being used? As I am always looking to improve my writing, I would like to fix the narrative. Thank you.

Hello Evelyn,

Thank you for being polite in your comment on my review. It is always terrifying when authors comment on a Goodreads, as the website is intended for reviewers, and there is a long history of author’s being impolite on reviews that are not five-stars. (Not that I am saying you are someone who would engage in such behaviour, but I have had it happen before – along with having witnessed extremely harsh things – so the fear is always there when authors respond to reviews.)

I did not make notes as I was reading, so I cannot provide a full list. I did look through preview on Amazon and made some notes below as examples of things. As you mentioned wanting to improve your writing, I have mentioned some aspects other than word misuse below. These things are either A) general writing tips I regularly inform my students of when giving feedback on papers/dissertations or B) fiction-specific information I learned from my time working for an editing service. I do not have the same full list that a professional would be able to give you, but I have included a link to the company website at the end should you wish to use such services in the future.

Things I noticed when skimming through the Amazon preview:
- There are many instances of joiners in the form “as” being used multiple times within a single page.
- There are many run-on sentences where the flow is lost by the end. The rule I always use with my students is split into multiple sentences the moment you hit forty words. If you reach forty words, you’re beyond what the average brain can hold cognitively. Also, when you start getting to this length, you end up repeating the same words within a single sentence, which can throw the reader out of their flow.
- There are instances of redundant words. This is for descriptors (such as “quietly gasp”, where the quietly is not necessary as gasps are by definition quiet). It is also for the actions themselves (such as nod head/shrug shoulders/blink eyes, whereby the body part is not needed as these are the body parts that perform these actions, and they do not need to be named). There are also instances where multiple words are used when fewer would work better (such as “taunts playfully” could be replaced with “teases” as the definition of tease is to provoke in a playful way). There are also repetitions of the same words (or very close word choices) within the same – or in the next – paragraph (e.g., “slick” in the prologue, the use of “growl” as a speech tag). These link with the showing versus telling issue experienced in books. By having too many adverbs and adjectives, it moves too far into the telling category with reading.
- Periods rather than commas when things are an action rather than a dialogue tag (e.g., comma only for said, whispered, etc.).
- -There are sentences where the body parts of multiple people are mentioned in such a way that it reads as though it is all one person’s body. This causes an issue whereby readers will understand it as happening to one person, and this can result in some things being taken literally when they should not be. (As someone who is neurodivergent, this makes it difficult to understand what people are doing in these situations as my awareness of where everything is becomes unclear.)
- There are instances of things being capitalised when they do not need to be (e.g., lords/lady is only required to be a capital letter when it is followed by a proper noun).
- There are some missing articles (e.g., “my hands roam the soft, milky skin of her thighs before rising to forbidden curves under her skirt”). While sense can be made, the inclusion of articles would allow for a better reading flow.
- There are some word choices that are not necessarily wrong but are questionable and pull the reader out. For example, “he reminds me dubiously”. A reminder is something that is known, is being reiterated, whereas dubious implies doubt or suspicion, which makes it unclear how the two go together. It makes more sense without the adverb, whereby it is simply a reminder.
- In terms of incorrect words, the use of “heartbeat” when “pulse” is meant. Although a pulse allows you to work out the heart rate, the term “heartbeat” is specific to the pulsation of the heart, whereas the pulse is the blood being propelled through the arteries. (This is a pedantic point, but as someone who works with equipment that measures heart rate, it throws me when the terms are used interchangeably.) The word “air” is used when “err” was correct. This felt very much like the kind of thing that happens when speech-to-text is used, as I see it regularly comes up with similar mistakes (such as “per say” for “per se” and “un/phrased” for “un/fazed”.)

I know this seems like a lot, but I do admire the effort you put into your work. Everything I mentioned above is intended to help, as you reached out, and I hope I have given you some food for thought. My review itself was intended solely to convey my thoughts to other readers on why I struggled, and why they may feel the same. In terms of improving writing and fixing narratives, it is something that always comes best from someone who is an active editor. As previously stated, I worked with an editing service for a while, where I learned many of the above. If you wish to reach out to the company directly and speak with someone who can provide much more depth of explanation, you can do so through the LIAS website: lunaimprints.com

Best of luck with your work in the future!