Family Matters - Spoilers > Likes and Comments

Family Matters by Rohinton Mistry is our Moderators Run AMOK read for the 1st Quarter. Discussion begins on January 15 and can continue through March 30.

Rohinton Mistry was born in Bombay, India in 1952, to a Parsi family. He emigrated to Canada in 1975, but his novels are all set in India and deal with Indian history and issues. Each of his three novels has been short-listed for the Booker Prize.

Family Matters is his most recent novel, published in 2002. If it proves true to his previous novel, A Fine Balance, it is destined to be both heart-wrenching and soul-searching. I intend to take this read very slowly, basically one chapter a day from January 15 - February 10. I hope this will allow us to organize our thoughts and have a lively discussion.

I hope everyone will feel free to contribute any and all thoughts on this novel as we go. I ask that, if you read ahead, you do not comment on anything beyond the point that the group has reached. If you fall behind, you are welcomed to comment on earlier chapters even if the group has moved on. Of course, all our normal rules apply–be kind. It is fine to disagree, disagreement adds to the learning experience and offers us all a chance to view the material from another perspective–but disagree, don’t argue.

There is a study guide with questions at the back of my edition. I think we might use these at the end of the read for further conversation. Of course, we may have answered all of them before we get there! I am not reading them ahead of time because I do not want to spoil the read for myself.

I am looking forward to reading this with everyone. I have not read it before, so it will be a new experience for me as well. Sincerely hoping we all enjoy this and get the year off to a stellar start.

Reading Schedule:

499 pages
20 Chapters + Epilogue
I have used the page count from my kindle edition. That might vary somewhat for others, but since we are reading by chapter, it should not cause any problem. I used it as a way to determine the amount of reading per day and did not think any adjustment was necessary. Our longest chapter appears to be the final chapter, which is 39 pages in my edition. I don’t imagine we will want to be splitting chapters when we get to the end.

January 15 (Thurs):
Chapter One - 19 pages

Jan 16 (Fri)
Chapter 2 - 27 pages

Jan 17 (Sat)
Chapter 3 - 25 pages

Jan 19 (Mon)
Chap 4 - 15 pages

Jan 20 (Tue)
Chap 5 - 20 pages

Jan 21 (Wed)
Chap 6 - 25 pages

Jan 22 (Thur)
Chap 7 - 31 pages

Jan 23 (Fri)
Chap 8 - 20 pages

Weekend break - no reading on this Saturday

Jan 26 (Mon)
Chap 9 - 23 pages

Jan 27 (Tue)
Chap 10 - 21 pages

Jan 28 (Wed)
Chap 11 -19 pages

Jan 29 (Thurs)
Chap 12 - 21 pages

Jan 30 (Fri)
Chap 13 - 18 pages

Jan 31 (Sat)
Chap 14 - 14 pages

Feb 2 (Mon)
Chap 15 - 17 pages

Feb 3 (Tue)
Chap 16 - 18 pages

Feb 4 (Wed)
Chap 17 - 21 pages

Feb 5 (Thur)
Chap 18 - 27 pages

Feb 6 (Fri)
Chap 19 - 24 pages

Feb 7 (Sat)
Chap 20 - 35 pages

Feb 9 (Mon)
Epilogue - 39 pages

Feb 10 (Tue) - ON
Wrap up and End Discussion
Questions?
We can continue this end discussion for as long as anyone wants and I will post the questions or not according to the group’s pleasure.

Today is January 15th and the day to discuss Chapter 1. Sara is dealing with some family emergencies at the present time, so please excuse her absence for a bit.

We will follow the schedule listed above - please do NOT post spoilers ahead of the schedule.

Ch 1 introduces us to a unique situation where the step children of elderly Nariman are caring for him. His life is so strict and rigid now because they fear he will hurt himself. I appreciated the look back into his previous life before the arranged marriage. I want to know more about his past and why he and his first love could not make it work. His biological daughter will probably be playing a bigger role would be my guess.

This has started out to be quite good. I know very little of this culture.

In Chapter 1 we see how big a role tradition has played in Nariman's life. It would not be proper for him to marry a woman who was not Parsi so he finally relented to an arranged marriage, instead of marrying the woman he loved.

It seems that the two stepchildren are living in Nariman's home, and taking care of him. His stepson, Jai, seems patient, but his stepdaughter, Coomy, is irritable. It's not easy to take care of an older person, but they don't see how he has a need to get out of his house for a few minutes each day. I wonder why they don't walk with him to keep him safe.

There is a big contrast between the vibrant descriptions of the market, and the gloomy, dark look of the flat filled with portraits of unsmiling relatives.

Sara, I hope things go well for your family. Take your time if you are needed there, and don't worry about this group read.

Thanks, Katy, and wishing all the best to Sara right now.

This is starting out full of richness. I'm feeling very much for Nariman so far. It is not easy getting old and needing assistance, and having to rely on these relationships that seem pretty tense.

I was struck by Nariman recalling (in that pre-arranged marriage time) Nargesh Aunty telling him “No happiness is more lasting than the happiness that you get from fulfilling your parents’ wishes.” I understand this is a strong cultural leaning, but found myself very out of line with it. Though I adored my parents, and was by nature a people-pleaser, I was raised by two people who left their own families to break away from the tracks set for them. They may have wanted us to fulfill their wishes, but at the same time they knew that was not the example they set (nor was it in the dna they gave us!). So right away, I felt the difficulty of Nariman's position.

I'm curious if other readers had different reactions?

Thank you, Katy, for opening the thread, and to you all for kicking us off! I love everyone's thoughts so far. It is a short chapter, but I felt I got a true glimpse of who these people are, and I am also feeling the weight of Nariman's position, particularly since his marriage was not his choice and these are his step-children.

I felt this statement set the tone: Nariman rinsed the lather from his hands and reached for the towel. Coomy had missed her vocation, he felt. She should have been a head-mistress, enacting rules for hapless schoolgirls, making them miserable. Instead, here she was, plaguing him with rules to govern every aspect of his shrunken life."

Nariman's life is not his own, and this is very sad for a man of his age and dignity.

Like Lori, I wondered why these two cannot take a few minutes and go along with Nariman for his walk. He probably should not be out alone, but does that mean he should spend his life inside four walls? I hate to make a judgment so soon, and I will no doubt have to adjust it, but Coomy seems particularly harsh and self-centered. I am rather old myself, and I would hate someone threatening me if I closed the bathroom door! I will be interested to see how or if his relationship with his daughter Roxana differs. She is almost a tease at the end of this chapter.

Connie: There is a big contrast between the vibrant descriptions of the market, and the gloomy, dark look of the flat filled with portraits of unsmiling relatives." Great observation. No wonder he wants to get outside!

Kathleen: I think living out someone else's choices and wishes almost never leads to happiness for anyone. Of course, this is a society of arranged marriage, and that is a very foreign idea to me. I expect we will get a better glimpse into what his marriage was like and how he has come to live with the step-children instead of his natural child.

You were lucky to have parents who understood that individuals need to choose their own paths. I could not help thinking about My Name is Asher Lev and The Promise. It would be beyond difficult to have someone else laying out your life for you, without any consideration of your feelings are inclinations.

Thank you, again, for your patience this morning. I might be a little spotty in commenting, but hopefully, I will make it here every day as planned. If not, I appreciate that you guys will continue and I will have a lot of wonderful comments to read when I do get back!

Kathleen wrote: "Thanks, Katy, and wishing all the best to Sara right now.

This is starting out full of richness. I'm feeling very much for Nariman so far. It is not easy getting old and needing assistance, and ha..."

That is exactly how I felt, Kathleen. As the eldest child in my family, I definitely struck my own path. With my own daughter, I always felt my goal was for her to seek her own path to a happy life. However, I did encourage her to have a career or occupation that wouldn’t leave her dependent on a man. This is something she achieved. She is more of a people pleaser than I am, though.

Wishing you well in your family situation Sara!

I'll be catching up over the weekend as work got a little out of control in the second half of the week. Looking forward to reading everyone's comments after I catch up to the schedule!

Thanks, Greg.

Chapter Two: A deeper look at the family dynamics, which are complicated indeed. The children add an element of tension for Jal and Coomy, which is understandable, as children can be difficult in a household that isn't used to them. I did not like that they touched the toys after being told not to. They are old enough to know respect for someone else's possessions, but Coomy is over-the-top about everything.

It appears Nariman pays for everything and he gifted them the apartment, so Coomy's insistence that she is ill-used is again a bit much for me. She is petulant and so easily offended and jealous of Roxana. Jal is not so bad. I think he would like to curb her, but she is the stronger personality and she always cowls him. Her objection to the present of the cane was couched in concern, but felt more like control to me.

But, then, there is Nariman and the dishes. Ridiculous that she won't use them (this kind of thing always puzzles me--what is she saving them for?), but she prepared and set the meal, so insisting on them is also childish and wrong.

The sad look of loneliness returned to Nariman's face, as Jal fetched the raincoats and umbrellas from the bathroom. Obviously, Nariman derives what happiness there is in his life from Roxana and her family. The children give him "life" being lived and not life being lost.

Finally, the bus stop incident was a glimpse into the political situation. There is a lot of tension in a city where there is so much poverty, class division, and too much population. There is a lot outside just the family unit to consider.

Just a little background info--mostly from Wikipedia:

The Parsis or Parsees are a Zoroastrian ethnic group in the Indian subcontinent. They are descended from Persian refugees who migrated to the Indian subcontinent during and after the Arab-Islamic conquest of Iran in the 7th century, when Zoroastrians were persecuted by the early Muslims. Representing the elder of the Indian subcontinent's two Zoroastrian communities, the Parsi people are culturally, linguistically, and socially distinct from the Iranis, whose Zoroastrian ancestors migrated to British-ruled India from Qajar-era Iran.

Zoroastrianism is an ancient Persian religion, founded by the prophet Zarathushtra (Zoroaster), centered on the worship of the uncreated, wise God, Ahura Mazda, and a cosmic battle between good (Asha) and evil (Druj). Key beliefs include free will, ethical living (good thoughts, words, deeds), an afterlife determined by choices, and the ultimate triumph of good.

Bombay was officially renamed Mumbai in 1995 by the state government, though "Bombay" is still used colloquially and in specific brand names.

Parsi status in India: The Indian government and society view Parsis as a model minority for their peaceful integration, entrepreneurial spirit, and lack of communal strife. Parsis have held prominent roles in government, judiciary, and military, disproportionate to their small population, demonstrating trust and acceptance. They are celebrated for building modern Indian industry (steel, textiles, airlines) and institutions (Tata Institute of Fundamental Research), integrating economically while preserving culture.

Sorry to hear of troubles Sara. no need to worry about group matters at the moment. We will be here when you come back.
Chapter two continues with introductory material as we get to meet more of the family for Nariman's birthday party. So aside from Coomy and Jal, Nari's adopted children, we meet Roxana, his biological daughter, her husband Yezad and their two children, Jehangir and Murad. The party makes a good vehicle to define the characters and to illustrate their pros and cons in a setting with humor but also some unsettling moments.

Coomy is going to be everyone's favorite to hate but I am reserving judgement. I've seen many Coomy's in different families to the point that I think most families have one. Their negative qualities are well displayed here, often there ar redeeming qualities as well so I would not be surprised to see these eventually. If not, at least consider her behavior may also be related to strain from her being the one who is trying to do the work and take of the others.

Regarding Chapter 1: I totally agree that someone could have taken a short walk with Nariman if they were so concerned! Also, about the quote “No happiness is more lasting than the happiness that you get from fulfilling your parents’ wishes" -- when I read that I imagined reading that to my son and we would both laugh!! This statement does not see apropos of today or at least of American views.

I was glad to get some background about the family to explain some of their reactions to each other. Jal seems nice enough, but Coomy really has a chip on her shoulder!

I've started Chapter 2 and am interested to know more about this family and see what is going to happen next :)

I think it's that chip on her shoulder that Terris mentions that makes Coomy infuriating. I have to say I did feel sorry for her (I have been Coomy-like at times in my life when I've felt particularly put-upon!), and Sam is smart to withhold judgment.

What a bunch though! I thought the party would never end. I felt so bad for Nariman, wishing he could put on his comfortable shirt. I felt like Sara about the children, and have to say, I'm not too keen on Yezad at this point. I don't like they way he calls his father-in-law "chief."

Very helpful background on Parsis, Sara--thank you.

Chapter 2 definitely shows that there are some family conflicts that are resting right under the surface. I think they were trying to be a nice family for Nariman”s birthday but misbehaving children and differences of opinions in caring for Nariman produce lots of tension. I think there is financial resentment on Coomy’s part for the expense of caring for Nariman - for example, she apologized for the food she prepared. I have good china dishes that never come out of the cabinet. In fact I tried at Christmas and my husband overruled me. I think he never really wanted them in the first place! Ha! But it was an important thing to want and to wish for wedding gifts when I got married. Now,I’m don’t think it’s a consideration at all. My son didn’t ask for china for his wedding.

This chapter has set us up for more troubles to come.

And I can’t help wondering why Jal and Coomy both have never married?

Sam wrote: "If not, at least consider her behavior may also be related to strain from her being the one who is trying to do the work and take of the others."

This is definitely true, Sam. I have been the caretaker and it is a strain. But, nothing is worse than being taken care of by someone who resents and complains about everything they do for you. She wants to make sure nobody misses the fact that she is being imposed upon. I wonder if it isn't sometimes just habit to complain and people do not realize how they sound to others.

Lori That is a very good question. Why are they both still unmarried? I had not thought to ask myself that, and that might also figure into Coomy's resentments. I did not get the impression that Nariman is a financial burden, but that he is the source of their monies and apartment; however Coomy does act as if money is tight.

As Kathleen observes, there are flaws enough among these people to go around, which is probably true of all families.

Glad to have you here, Terris!

Yes, Chapter 2 certainly filled out the picture of the family's dysfunctional relationship! Like Kathleen, I thought that meal would never end!

Lori, I agree, use the good dishes -- what's the use of having them if no one ever sees them?!

I did think it was kind of funny when Nariman opened the birthday gift and it was a "walking stick"! And Coomy and Jal are trying to keep him from walking ;)

I was interested to learn a little bit about Roxie and Yezad's relationship and history. Yezad is not bothering me too much yet, though he might become a problem in the future. I think the boys are cute and seem to be fairly typical in their mischievousness ;)

I'm anxious to see what happens next in Chapter 3! I think something is brewing :)

I couldn’t stand Coomy from the start. And once my daughter was grown up, I started using my good china whenever we have guests for dinner, not just on holidays, which is what I used to do.

I just finished chapter 1, and feel so much compassion for Nariman. This is my first book by Mistrie, and so far I’m enjoying it. I’m wondering why neither of the step-children are married, and why his daughter Roxie isn’t the one taking care of him.Because the unmarried children have more time? Is it the cultural expectation?

I bristled at his memory of when the parents and their friends were talking about arranging his marriage and an Aunty says to him,
“No happiness is more lasting than the happiness that you get from fulfilling your parents’ wishes.” It’s the line that sticks out for me so far.

I'm behind everyone, just finished chapter 1. I'll catch up by next week.

Overall, I'm really enjoying it, but I'm the sort of reader who wants to look up every word I don't know. And that's making this take a little longer because of all the Parsi words, local foods, Indian words, and references. Soon enough, I ended up on the internet learning about the "Goan" people. So fascinating the cultural differences of the different groups. Thanks for the post on the Parsis Sara!

I liked the strange moment where Nariman's relatives deride Lucy as a person so foul as to be using toilet paper rather than the more "hygienic" practice of washing. I'm not sure what they mean by the word "ferangis". Perhaps that is a way of referring to the Goans? By anyway, it's a clear clash of customs where people disrespect those things they're unfamiliar with, and the nastiness of the comment doesn't reflect well on the gathering. I am sure his relatives mean well on the whole, but there's a petty small mindedness at work here.

I felt for Nariman in his very natural reaction to the tactless crudity of the comment:

"'How very sorry I feel for you all', he said, unable to choke back his disgust. 'You've grown old without growing wise.'"

Nariman seems a bit more culturally aware. I wonder if it is related to the reading that the others tease him for? But he also seems to have a tragic flaw of allowing himself to be corralled by brute emotional force. His parents have bulldozed him into what it appears will be a disastrous marriage, and then later, his wife bulldozes him into not changing his step-children's last names. He is not passive, but he can be beaten down. I have just a little of that quality myself, in wanting to avoid conflict, and I can sympathize with him . . . though usually giving in that way results in disaster.

It's telling what he says about him and Lucy:

"They had been ground down by their families. Exhausted by the strain of it."

His feeling and belief haven't changed at all; he just can't take the constant assault anymore so he gives in. Later, this will be bound to cause bitter regret. I wonder if that is why as an elderly man he seems a little impervious to his step-children's cajoling. Perhaps he feels like he has been bulldozed too much in his life already, and he does not want to give in on anything anymore.

Chapter 3 was just heartbreaking from the standpoint of someone who must be cared for by others. Poor Nariman has found himself doing exactly what Coomi and Jal knew he would do. His injury seems to be another burden they must figure out how to handle. I actually was pleased when the doctor scolded them for letting Nariman out walking alone. Coomi especially is self centered and compassionless- she appears to do things because she has to and will make sure it doesn’t inconvenience her. Like getting a commode instead of a bedpan because she didn’t want to have to do the yucky part of caring for Nariman. But we saw how that backfired on her. Now she’ll just take it out on Jal. She’s awful. This is a long embedded characteristic we saw in the backstory when her mother took his pajamas because Lucy was showing up. Like mother like daughter, right?

It takes a special person to really be a caregiver. She does not have what it takes.

I really hated that Coomy gets a chance to say 'told you so'. I feel so much compassion for Nariman, who is almost a prisoner. He doesn't get a say in anything, is made to feel like a burden, and suffers extra pain because of Coomy's selfishness.

You are right, Lori, she is like her mother. You can feel bad for everyone's situation here, but some people take bad and make it horrid, and Coomy is in that category. I was trying to give her the benefit of the doubt, but she makes even that a bit impossible.

I do feel sorry for Jal. I think he would like to do what is right, but he is also a victim of Coomy's strident personality.

Perhaps, some of you didn't have a Coomy in their family.

Yes, this chapter is just heartbreaking for all involved, especially Nariman. I think Jal is trying his best to be helpful, but I am so over Coomy!
I did like the part about the doctor who had been Nariman's student and the respect that he showed him. I also enjoy Nari's wry sense of humor, and the songs that he often likes to sing or hum, according to the situation. He didn't do any singing in this chapter, though :/
And we got a little more background about his and Lucy's relationship, and how her seeming inability to let go of him affected his and Yasmin's marriage. Truly a sad story all around.

This seemed like an important chapter. I am so worried about Nariman's ankle. As an older person myself now, I'm pretty sure most younger people don't realize the level of danger things pose sometimes, like the importance of using the bed pan versus the commode. Having that weight come crashing down on his ankle ... could make all the difference in his recovery!

And I was surprised by Lucy's actions, holding on like she did. So curious where this will lead.

My favorite part was the "ward boy." “He made up for the imperfection of his hands with the perfection of his smile.” Isn't that lovely? Worth remembering, and can be applied in so many instances. And Nariman's subsequent thoughts: “And how did one acquire such enlightenment, he wondered, here, in a grim ward, collecting faeces an urine from the beds of the lame and the halt and the diseased? Or were these the necessary conditions?” Loved that.

Still behind everyone, but hopefully later today I'll catch up. Just finished chapter 2.

Honestly, I feel sorry a little sorry for Coomy. She seems to me desperately insecure and unhappy in her life, and that causes her to be continually on the cusp of being aggrieved. Like Kathleen says, she has a giant chip on her shoulder, and that does make her incredibly annoying . . . but she also makes a whole elaborate dinner for the family, and she makes sure to serve Niriman the fish heads he likes from the dish. I do think that there is still a human being deep down inside of her that we only get a few glimpses of. One moment where she is able to show her "natural" self is when Yezad jokes about how Coomy and Jal will read the children's book "The Famous Five" with Nariman, and the three of them will be "the famous three." Coomy actually smiles at that joke.

I think if I knew Coomy in real life, I would find her incredibly hard to deal with. The more horrible she behaves, the more people will rightfully dislike her . . . and that will lead to her becoming yet more intolerable. I had an aunt like her. When I was around her, she drove me absolutely crazy and I couldn't stand it. But when I was apart from her, I could understand her pain and my heart went out to her.

The main problem is that it's intolerable for Nariman to be stuck in the house with Coomy all the time. She's so negative, and she makes the house oppressive. I think the point in chapter 2 when I became most annoyed with her was when she wanted to take the batteries out of Nariman's hearing aid as she complains, "who will pay for new batteries?" Even the tiniest amount of empathy would show her how cutting Nariman off from understanding his daughter and grandchildren was unbearably cruel. But Coomy is so stuck in her own pain that isn't capable of empathy.

The political corruption and the dangers of the city drew my attention as well. I was struck by the stunning hypocrisy of the conservative Hindu nationalist Shiv Sena men stumbling about the city as drunken boors. And it's scary actually; if the bus hadn't come when it did, there could so easily have been a real tragedy for Yezad, Roxana, and the kids. If the conflict had escalated, Yezad could have been badly hurt or worse, and who knows what else could have happened?

Does anyone know what year these early chapters are taking place? Probably it was in the book somewhere and I missed it. I'd like to better place when all of this is happening.

I am running behind as well and have just finished Chapter 2.

I'm looking forward to learning more about this family, which seems so dysfunctional right now. It appears that the three siblings (Coomy, Jal and Roxanne) genuinely love one another, and that the problem seems to be Coomy's resentment toward Nariman. I'm wondering if part of that is the fact that her parents did not save enough money for her dowry, a very real practice still in existence today. This might explain why she never married.

I wonder why Nariman didn't buy the two-room flat for Coomy and Jal to share and install Roxanne and her family with him in the much-larger seven-room flat, where she could have taken care of him. I feel this would have really improved the family dynamics.

As a history buff, I'm enjoying the historical and political references that Mistry is already introducing into this story. I'm looking forward to learning more, as there seems to be so much tension between religions, nationalities, etc.

As a side note, one of our kids has a company in Mumbai and has quite a few people on his staff whose marriages were arranged by their parents. They seem quite satisfied with the arrangements.

Just had an opportunity to read all your wonderful comments.

Terris I was also glad to get a little background on Lucy. It would have been difficult to have her so persistent if you were the wife, but I thought Nariman made a real effort to deal with the matter kindly. It is harder to send someone away when you have genuine feelings for them, as he obviously did. His wife knew about Lucy before they married, and that their own situation was not a love match. I found her a bit intolerant. I guess part of that is because I think her pride and her image to others could be hurt by this, but her heart could not, because she did not love Nariman, but married him for her own reasons, being a widow with children.

Greg - I think the year is around the mid-1990s. I seem to have picked up somewhere in the political discussion that Bombay's name had recently changed to Mumbai, which happened in 1995.

I know what you are saying about Coomy, you can sympathize with her situation, but it is hard to like her. It will be interesting if we are told how she came to be this person. I might well grow to understand the "why" of it, but it will remain that she is self-centered and only sees the world as it affects her and not others.

Shirley - I was considering what you posed about why Nariman did not buy the flat for Jal and Coomy. I could hear Coomy now, screaming about being ousted from her "ancestral home". No matter what Nariman does, it will be wrong to her.

Kathleen - I love the quotes you chose, particularly the one about the ward boy. Nariman seems to "see" those around him, instead of just looking past them. It amazes me how often he is considering how he burdens others, and trying not to, even when they are so oblivious to his needs.

Sam - I had to laugh. Yes, I have known a Coomy or two.

Sara wrote: "I could hear Coomy now, screaming about being ousted from her "ancestral home". No matter what Nariman does, it will be wrong to her."

Thanks for the timeframe Sara! And what you said here made me laugh because the minute I read it, it struck me as absolutely true. I can hear that keening over her ancestral home in my head right now!

I can also see her bitterly complaining how Nariman has been stolen from her. She is not a person who could ever be happy unless some shock or change forces her to actually see her own character honestly and to see others as full human beings with their own hopes, dreams, and desires.

I am really enjoying the dialogue in this story. It's not something I particularly pay attention to normally, but the dialogue reveals so much about the characters in this story:

In Chapter 2, I love how young Jehangir heard his grandfather use the phrase "Be that as it may", relished "the combination of the words" and was so thrilled when he was able to use the phrase in a sentence later on that evening. To me, he showed such a respect for and validation of his grandfather. It was so sweet.

I absolutely love Naiman's sarcasm. It is his way of coping with life:

Chapter 2: When he leans over to shield his food from the fan's falling dust, he says "Bent is a natural posture for me." - laughing at his own physical predicament.
Chapter 3: When the doctor takes his pulse and asks him how he's doing, Nariman responds, "My wrist is fine. The problem is in my ankle." - attempting to hide his fear by making light of the situation.

The sad thing is, I have not heard any sarcasm from Nariman once he came home from the hospital. I fear for his state of mind with a nurse like Coomy.

One more thing:. It's funny how worried and overbearing Coomy was with Nariman before his accident. Now that she is being asked to perform a service she is unwilling to do (change Nariman's bedpan), she is putting him in grave danger of injuring his leg permanently by making him get up to use the commode. She really is not a nice person, and I am beginning to dislike her.

Shirley (stampartiste) wrote: "In Chapter 2, I love how young Jehangir heard his grandfather use the phrase "Be that as it may", relished "the combination of the words" and was so thrilled when he was able to use the phrase in a sentence later on that evening. To me, he showed such a respect for and validation of his grandfather. It was so sweet.."

The grandkids do really seem to love their grandfather, which is endearing. Nariman needs that love! It speaks to the goodness of their natures and perhaps also to the fact that Roxana has raised them well.

Greg wrote: "The grandkids do really seem to love their grandfather, which is endearing. Nariman needs that love! It speaks to the goodness of their natures and perhaps also to the fact that Roxana has raised them well."

I agree with you completely, Greg! Roxana has raised them well. What a joy they must be to Nariman!

First, to me, this book is cultural, specifically Asian Indian, or in this case, Parsi. Which I know nothing about. However, through past observations, I do have a slight understanding of Indian family dynamics. I agree that Coomy acts like a spoiled, ill-tempered jerk. However, it appears that the group is judging her through the eyes of Western Family Values. This culture is male-dominant and reveres its elders.

We see Nariman cave to the pressure of his parents, as well as the other elders of the "Sunday-evening regulars," to give up the love of his life to honor their wishes. Coomy has it worse than Nariman did. She is a female, and he is her elder and also her parent. Yes, she argues, requests, and even pleads, but it is impotent and ineffective. We are shocked when we hear her complain to Nariman that he broke the rule about locking the bathroom door and not telling her he was going to use it. If Coomy, as caregiver, is aware that Nariman is in the bathroom, she is better able to monitor how long he is there. If too much time elapses, she can check on him. If she doesn't know he is there, a medical issue could happen and be catastrophic before she can act. A locked door would force her call for outside help.

Everyone agrees that Nariman's age and health condition make it dangerous for him to walk the streets of Mumbai. He is at risk of an accident, and he is also a target for criminals, but he won't listen. In preparation for him to take a walk, we watch as Nariman tries to put on his socks and shoes, but can't. Coomy, who doesn't want him walking the streets, can win right there by refusing to help, but we watch her submit and put Nariman's shoes on so he can walk even though she is against it. People argue that she could walk with him. I think in her defeat, she allows fate to rule. Even if she was with him, he could still break his ankle even without falling to the ground.

At Nariman's birthday dinner, I think most people will agree that Coomy wanted everything to go well. Her first trial occurs when she finds her nephews playing with her treasured toys. She screams at them to be careful and put her treasures down, but they don't listen. They are not bad boys. They are male and not quick to respond to female elders, even when it is their mother or their aunt. Again, she is impotent. Only when the father and uncle tell the boys to put the toys down do they listen. Just as Coomy is ready to serve dinner. Nariman wants the good china used. This will delay dinner and cause Coomy more hardship. Are the dishes that important, or is Nariman being an ass because he dislikes the shirt he was gifted for his birthday? Either way, Coomy submits and changes the dishes.

She has no power over a 79-year-old man with Osteoporosis and Parkinson's. When Nariman finally gets seriously hurt walking, Coomy and Jal act badly when they dump Nariman's care on their younger sister. I believe there is an as-yet unrevealed family dynamic that causes extra friction between Nariman and Coomy. This is somewhat apparent as I notice that Nariman doesn't cause as much discord when he is forced to rehab at his real daughter's home. There is a passage early in the book that I have been unable to relocate that could explain some of Coomy's actions. I seem to recall a conversation either spoken to or overheard by young Coomy about how stepchildren and stepparents can never love or be as close together as the real parents and children. If I am right, this could explain some of Coomy's attitude. They were doomed from the start.

Like Sam, Bob has been able to look at this from Coomy's POV. I cannot disagree with this at all, but the underlying problem for me is that Coomy does not have any genuine respect or love for Nariman. Caring for someone you love is hard, caring for someone you do not love is sometimes impossible. The stench of the bedpan is the same for Roxana as it is for Coomy, but the attitude is very different.

I also wonder what happened that makes Coomy's attitude so different, even from Jal, who is male and definitely gets bullied by her. Is her resentment grounded in what happened to her mother? Did she feel a greater affinity with that than the other children? Like you, Bob, I am wanting to know more about how this relationship formed. I'm going to look for the conversation you mentioned. I don't recall it, but you are probably correct in thinking it has helped shape her feelings toward her step-father. I will be most interested in seeing who said this, Nariman or the mother. Does anyone else recall this?

I 100% agree they were doomed from the start.

Chapter Four: My sadness for Nariman grows with every chapter. It is so degrading to have to lie in unchanged clothes, mess yourself because you are reluctant to call for help and it hurts so much to be gotten up for the commode, and to hear yourself discussed as if you are a bag of rotten potatoes that someone is trying to remove the stench of. “Neither Jal nor Coomy had thought about changing his clothes. Or offered him a wet towel, never mind a sponge bath.” That is totally unacceptable!

When he thinks about these things, like the cold fan he cannot turn off or down, he feels they are fed up “with his being alive.” But then he corrects himself and says it is uncharitable and that they are doing their best–he is so much more kind and forgiving than they are.

I almost felt sorry for Coomy when she was reflecting on the dance classes in her teens. It seems this is the highlight of her life. On the other hand “Papa had paid for their lessons…so generous despite everything that had happened with Mamma and Lucy, never grudging them a thing.” Where is some return of that generosity now?

Every time Roxie being informed is mentioned, Coomy nixes it, but with the same breath she complains that Roxie does nothing. And, doesn’t Roxie, as his daughter, have every right to know what has happened to him? On the other hand, how horrible is it for Coomy to decide to move him to Roxie’s without even giving her an idea that he is coming?

Yasmin burned his pictures of Lucy in the loban she used for evening prayers. Is that not a desecration? It would feel like one to me. That is an act of abject hatred. Nariman does not blame her, though, he blames his parents for forcing him into this marriage. Interesting that they died a year later. Had he waited, he might have married Lucy and not had to worry about any displeasure for them. I cannot help wondering how many times that thought crossed Lucy’s mind.

I wonder how much of Coomy's inability to love Nariman stems from her mother's hatred of him.

I too am feeling for Nariman. "Nariman cried out softly, like a forgotten door moaning in the wind.” What a beautiful but immensely sad image!

I'm thinking about Jal's thoughts that Coomy was the "solid pillar." I can imagine this is where her resentment comes from, if she has been the one who must always take care of practical things for the family. She probably feels she's been forced to give up on love, and thoughts come to her only in dreams.

It's interesting how family members take on different roles, even when there is not the strong cultural expectations that exist here as Bob explains. I can relate to being the one forced into things when others in my family simply refused.

But still, to not even think of the fact that Nariman needed washing!

Forty-plus years ago, probably in 1977, while stationed in California, I attended a Sikh wedding. The bride and groom were kneeling on a raised dias in the center of a large room, surrounded by flowers and guests. This was a marriage arranged by the couple's parents. I can't swear that this next is true, or a fabrication made up to shock me personally. I was told by the friends who brought me along that on the dias in front of the kneeling couple was a mirror, unseen by the guests. Further explanation told that their reflection was the first time either bride or groom had ever seen the other.

I don't know where Mistry is taking us with this story, but I'm curious. Why is Coomy not married? I hope we find out. I just finished chapter 7. I think there is a lot left to discover.

Bob wrote: "Forty-plus years ago, probably in 1977, while stationed in California, I attended a Sikh wedding. The bride and groom were kneeling on a raised dias in the center of a large room, surrounded by flo..."

That's fascinating about the wedding Bob, and I love the way you describe it!

That is fascinating! Although I knew they did not meet without the woman being veiled before the wedding, and they never speak to one another, I have always thought of these as traditional customs that are no longer practiced. Apparently they are still in practice in some families and places. I always learn a lot reading books like this one, because so many cultural differences are unknown to me. Arranged marriages are not always failures, but this one was doomed, because Nariman already loved someone else. I think his advanced age was a factor as well...a young man and woman stand a better chance than an older couple who already have "baggage" (like two step-children with a dead father who is revered).

It’s very sad to see Nariman acquiescing to his step children. While we think they aren’t doing a good job of caring for him Nariman believes they are doing their best. So he gives in to all of Coomy’s shortcuts without a disagreement. He is headed toward a deep depression. The doctor advised that they need to care with cheerfulness and not make him feel that he is a burden. I think Sara said it best when she said they are doing this without love so what a difference one’s mindset can be.

Thank you Bob for bringing the focus to Coomy’s perspective. You definitely make unarguable statements from a woman’s point of view. I forget or am unknowing about these cultural differences and it’s important to understand them here. It does help me to be more sympathetic towards Coomy.

How sad for Mr. Nariman that he witnesses the sheer joy that Coomy feels at getting rid of him. I can't even imagine how that must have felt after everything he tried to do for them, even though they were the children of a woman he didn't even love.

Bob, you give good reasons why we should look at Coomy in a kinder light, but I'm just not there yet. The way she insisted on taking care of Nariman by themselves because she didn't want to be inconvenienced by visits from Roxana's family, but within a week, she totally changes her tune and tries to make it sound as though she's taking him to Roxana for his and Roxana's benefit. Give me a break!

Poor Jal... I think he's trying to do right by his stepfather, but he's cowed by Coomy's ill-tempered personality and defers to her. I think the doctor sensed all of these family dynamics when he went to pay a visit on Nariman.

Yes, I'm so sad for Nariman!! It seems like Coomy and Jal are trying, but they are doing a very poor job of taking care of him.

And, now they are having him "shipped" to Roxie's without even notifying her of his accident??!! Unbelievable!

"the book Family Matters by Rohinton Mistry, the narrator is Nariman Vakeel, the central character."

The man who was bullied by his elders into giving up the love of his life. Who was further compelled into a marriage with a widow having two children. His ex-lover stalks him at his office and home. Causing serious damage to his marriage. Does he like the attention? Possible he does nothing to stop it.

Question, how reliable a narrator is Nariman?

Bob wrote: ""the book Family Matters by Rohinton Mistry, the narrator is Nariman Vakeel, the central character."

The man who was bullied by his elders into giving up the love of his life. Who was further comp..."

The book is told by a third person omniscient narrator who lets us know what the various characters are thinking and feeling. So far, it's been mostly Nariman's inner thoughts. I flipped through the book, and it looks like other chapters tell about the thoughts of other characters. So we may be getting multiple perspectives as the book progresses.

I would like to know more about Lucy stalking him after his marriage too, and how Nariman reacted. She probably will never be able to marry someone else after such a close relationship with Nariman.

Bob wrote: "The man who was bullied by his elders into giving up the love of his life. Who was further compelled into a marriage with a widow having two children. His ex-lover stalks him at his ..."

Bob, I've read up to chapter 4 so far, and for me, I feel like Nariman is just a bit passive as a person. When there is conflict, he resists at first, but eventually he gives way. It's a flaw I can relate to, unfortunately, in sometimes trying to avoid conflict for the sake of peace when it was not the right choice.

As I've gotten older, I've realized that sometimes it's necessary to wade through the difficult place to get to the other side. It can be unpleasant and messy and even a bit chaotic, but if it's the only way to get to the good place, it's a price that has to be paid. It seems to me that Nariman learned that lesson too late. By the time he knew it, key relationships with his step-children, his wife, and his true love had all gotten lost or stuck in a bad state. If his step-children resented not having his name and not having his love as children, it can be hard to fix later. It can be done, but it's difficult.

This is all just my highly personal way of seeing the book. I haven't gotten the feeling yet that he's necessarily unreliable or deliberately misrepresenting, but that's my own take. And I'm a couple chapters behind the group; so who knows if that will change.

Near the end of Chapter 5, Coomy said that she could not get rid of the smells in the apartment, even in Mamma's room. Jal seems to know that it is psychological because of her guilt, and says:

If it's in your head, nothing will get rid of it. Like the damned spot on Lady Macbeth's hand, remember? All the perfumes of Arabia, all your swabbing and scrubbing and mopping and scouring will not remove it.

Chapter Five: Now we get a look at Roxie’s life. It is not all roses, either, but at least these are people who love one another and are trying to build a future. I found the problems with the boys to be both very typical and somehow endearing. Jehangir doesn’t want to take a bath, Murad wants to be one of the adults and yet he vies with his little brother for childish things. The quarters are close, but Nariman will be loved and wanted in this family. I was so proud of Jehangir for not grumbling and giving up his bed to his grandfather.

The ordeal of just getting Nariman into the apartment was harrowing to me. I tried to think how it would have felt to him, being so totally helpless. Coomy’s false cheerfulness, “Come home soon, Pappa”, made me ill.

Yezad also became more clear to me in this chapter. I was unsure about him before, but I think he is a good father and struggling to make a better life in a difficult city. His comment about the Enid Blyton’s was telling:

“He said he had read the same books when he was small, and they had made him yearn to become a little Englishman of a type even England did not have.”

He realizes it is a world that really does not exist, but it is the ideal that is set before the children still. It reminded me that all of India is struggling with an identity crisis, left over from the days of English rule, when to be as English as possible is the ultimate goal. (For anyone who has read the Raj Quartet, I could not help thinking of Harry Kumar.)

Coomy’s regret is too little too late. I think she is going to suffer for this. She knows it is wrong and all the attempts to justify herself will only confirm that that is the case. I wonder if this apartment is going to end up just being full of ghosts for her...her mother, her father, her stepfather.

I don't get the unreliable narrative vibe from this, so far. I think Nariman is a weak individual, who has spent most of his life trying to live for other people. I think he is still doing that to some extent. As Greg says, not rocking the boat is sometimes not the right way to go. He has a docile personality inside the family, but I don't get the impression that he is that way outside. The doctor who was his student got quipped back at.

I have been wondering about the title--noun or verb? Are we being told that family matters (verb-makes a difference, is important) or are these things that go on family matters (noun-things that concern only the family).

Wow--such interesting thoughts, everyone!

I think what resonates with me most is what Sara says about Nariman's personality that might be very different inside the family versus outside. I can imagine him being naturally passive, but as many of us who are naturally passive know, it depends on the topic. It sounds to me like he could have been overwhelmed by strong personalities on the family/home front, from his mother to his aunties to his first and second wives to Coomy. I'd also guess that he had guilt (undeserved, imo) due to disappointing his parents, and then his wives who knew of his real love, and then his step children who he could never give enough to to make up for their losses.

So I am guessing the passivity and guilt led him to carve out a place for himself in his professional life, and now that he is older, he cannot find a way to make that work in his family life, something I believe is very common, unfortunately.

Kathleen wrote: "So I am guessing the passivity and guilt led him to carve out a place for himself in his professional life, and now that he is older, he cannot find a way to make that work in his family life, something I believe is very common, unfortunately"

I think so too, Kathleen and Sara.

My mind rebels at the word "weak" though because I find strength and weakness so misleading in the world's terms. Caring for others enough to be concerned if they are happy takes a different kind of strength, and some of the most selfishly imperious people have a very illusory strength that only appears strong and is actually very brittle and completely shatters at the first real crack.

I don't want to judge Nariman for his flawed approach to family by judging his character; instead, I want to pity him for unconsciously and by small degrees doing great harm to his future self.

If therapy had been an option for him as a youth, it would have done him a lot of good, I think. It was just a matter of him coming to understand himself and the consequences properly. He could have been a different person if only he had been able to see what he was really doing and been able to perceive himself differently.