Amy’s review of Loved and Missed > Likes and Comments
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Laura, read it and let us know what you think! I will take a look at the Hawthorne book, too.
I'm not a single parent, but I have a child under 10, and I've always loved teaching teens and being around them--they're children, too, though obviously they have different needs. For me, the most difficult thing is to constantly realize that you can never really be fully "yourself" around them--or at least, you have a version of yourself you have to be--and it can feel like being erased. After all, on some days, reading a book can be the one thing that makes you feel human! And a child doesn't just ask you something--they are wired to ask you for everything, all the time, they would prefer, for evolutionary reasons, that your attention is NEVER away from them. If you love work, find it very absorbing, and draw a lot of your identity from it, it can feel very erasing. (this is all true of teens as well, in my experience.) Now that my son is older, I do love being able to play a video game with him after school, or watch cartoons or a movie (he loves mysteries!), or just pal around. But that tension between selfhood and himhood is still very present for me. Eventually I figured out that although the old self does erode away, I am growing new parts of myself by being around him, and those new parts are bearing fruit that nourishes both of us.
So, for all those reasons (too many, sorry!) I am wary of the idea of soaking up innocence, and of "good" parents in general. I think enjoying your child's presence is a more demanding task than it sounds like--or it's joy you have to work for--and I'm jealous of those who seem to find it easy and natural! Yet children thrive on it, and we hope the parents do too. I am, but it's been a journey.
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Laura, read it and let us know what you think! I will take a look at the Hawthorne book, too.I'm not a single parent, but I have a child under 10, and I've always loved teaching teens and being around them--they're children, too, though obviously they have different needs. For me, the most difficult thing is to constantly realize that you can never really be fully "yourself" around them--or at least, you have a version of yourself you have to be--and it can feel like being erased. After all, on some days, reading a book can be the one thing that makes you feel human! And a child doesn't just ask you something--they are wired to ask you for everything, all the time, they would prefer, for evolutionary reasons, that your attention is NEVER away from them. If you love work, find it very absorbing, and draw a lot of your identity from it, it can feel very erasing. (this is all true of teens as well, in my experience.) Now that my son is older, I do love being able to play a video game with him after school, or watch cartoons or a movie (he loves mysteries!), or just pal around. But that tension between selfhood and himhood is still very present for me. Eventually I figured out that although the old self does erode away, I am growing new parts of myself by being around him, and those new parts are bearing fruit that nourishes both of us.
So, for all those reasons (too many, sorry!) I am wary of the idea of soaking up innocence, and of "good" parents in general. I think enjoying your child's presence is a more demanding task than it sounds like--or it's joy you have to work for--and I'm jealous of those who seem to find it easy and natural! Yet children thrive on it, and we hope the parents do too. I am, but it's been a journey.
Before I start - I will say I've not read this but I would like to.
I always thought that being around children is an opportunity to share in their youth - to soak up their innocence - to enjoy gazing at smooth creamy skin, and soft bend limbs. Yes - it's true, day to day care - especially as a single parent can be very demanding - but I think "good" parents are the ones who found a way to enjoy their child's presence and who shared in their activities - if only watching. Physical presence is something that many parents never learn - for a child a grown up - in the same room - who is a warm and calm presence is very reassuring - read a book, but stop if your child asks you something. Anyway - I think it is true many parents who work part or full time find child care on too exhausting - but they can sit and watch Scooby Doo with their child - or they can sit and eat together - or go for a short walk together - just to enjoy each other's company with no agenda.
Yes - just read someone's review of Fran Hawthorne's book - Her Daughter. A relationship gone wrong.