I wrote a book that asks 'Who am I? Why am I here? Where am I going?' as a recurring compass. What question do you think most self-help books are really trying to answer? > Likes and Comments

What do you think?

Aramide wrote: "What do you think?"

Hello Aramide,

I really like your questions, Aramide—the 'recurring compass' is a beautiful image for the inner search.

Beneath their many layers and variations, most self-help books seem to circle around the same deeper longing: not just to improve life, but to remember something that has been forgotten.

Maybe what people are really searching for is the place they came from, the wholeness they once carried, the source they feel cut off from. At the root of it all, it may be less a search for something new than a search to reconnect.

If we are all looking for the same source, why do you think we feel so disconnected from it in the first place?

With love and understanding,

I think a lot of self-help books are really trying to answer a much simpler question underneath everything else:

“How do I live with myself when life doesn’t go the way I expected?”

The bigger questions like “Who am I?” and “Where am I going?” feel important, but often it’s the quieter ones, about loss, uncertainty, or starting over that people are really trying to navigate.

Clara wrote: "I think a lot of self-help books are really trying to answer a much simpler question underneath everything else:

“How do I live with myself when life doesn’t go the way I expected?”

The bigger qu..."

Dear Clara,

I admire your succint and wise comment :)) I totally agree; most of us do not routinely think " what is the point of my life, and is there any purpose to the universe etc etc"; its a practical matter of dealing with every day's challenges that we are all trying to navigate.

It also seems to me that there is somewhat of a gender divide: men are far more likely to wonder " what is the point of my life" then women, in my opinion- and what do you think?

:)

Jasmine

Clara wrote: "I think a lot of self-help books are really trying to answer a much simpler question underneath everything else:

“How do I live with myself when life doesn’t go the way I expected?”

The bigger qu..."

Hello Clara,

You hit on such a profound truth! Every real journey actually begins with that very question.

We often don’t think about our inner 'compass' when everything is going according to plan. It’s usually when our expected life falls apart that we are forced to look deeper and ask who we really are behind all those expectations.

In that sense, those moments of uncertainty aren't just obstacles—they are the very doorways that lead us back to ourselves.

Warmly,
Cagla

Dr. wrote: "Clara wrote: "I think a lot of self-help books are really trying to answer a much simpler question underneath everything else:

“How do I live with myself when life doesn’t go the way I expected?”
..."

I like that distinction, dear Jasmine. :)

I think women are often so involved in the practical side of life — keeping things going, caring for others, handling whatever the day brings — that their search for meaning becomes more rooted in real life.

For many women, meaning is not just something to sit and think about. It’s something they come to know through daily life itself — through enduring, nurturing, and simply continuing.

So in that sense, I don’t really see everyday life as separate from the bigger questions. Very often, it’s right there, in the middle of ordinary struggles, that deeper answers begin to appear. Whether we are looking for a new direction or trying to find our way back home, it usually happens in the middle of life as it is.

With love,

Cagla wrote: "Dr. wrote: "Clara wrote: "I think a lot of self-help books are really trying to answer a much simpler question underneath everything else:

“How do I live with myself when life doesn’t go the way I..."

Dear Cagla,

I second your every word! :)

And I also think that we, women, are so lucky, to be able to seek refuge/healing in "practical matters", the way men never can. I mean, if a man has some terrible emotional pain, he is at risk of suicide (the poor guy!) as for women...

“Crying is for plain women. Pretty women go shopping.”
― Oscar Wilde

Disclaimer: all the above is meant humorously! please, nobody take offence.

:))

Jasmine

Dr. wrote: "Cagla wrote: "Dr. wrote: "Clara wrote: "I think a lot of self-help books are really trying to answer a much simpler question underneath everything else:

“How do I live with myself when life doesn’..."

Dear Jasmine,

That made me smile :)

Yes, maybe women really do have a more natural way of finding small shelters inside ordinary life.

And of course, thank God, sometimes through shopping too :)

But behind the humor, I do think there is some truth in what you said. Women often seem to know how to keep living through pain by staying in relationship with life itself.

Thank you for the smile. :))

That’s an interesting question.

I sometimes think we move through life in stages, each with its own very clear “purpose.” As children, we’re mostly concerned with food and comfort. As teenagers, everything seems to revolve around sex and identity. As young adults, it becomes family and building a life. Later, it shifts towards money, security, and responsibility.

And then, if we’re lucky enough to reach it, there’s a stage where we look back and ask, “Is that all? Is that really why we we're here?”

Some people find their answer in religion, which can offer a strong moral compass and a way to navigate life. That has its place. But even then, it doesn’t always answer the deeper question.

So perhaps most self-help books are circling around that same quiet uncertainty — trying, in different ways, to answer a question that may not have a final answer at all.

I don’t have it. I’m not sure anyone does.

James wrote: "That’s an interesting question.

I sometimes think we move through life in stages, each with its own very clear “purpose.” As children, we’re mostly concerned with food and comfort. As teenagers, e..."

Hello James,

I liked your point about life moving through stages, each with a different focus. And yes, after passing through all those stages, a person often arrives at exactly that point in their own evolution.

“Is that all?” To me, that is the first moment of awakening — the point where the journey begins. Until then, we are mostly moving through the natural needs of life. But at some point, something in us begins to ask for more than survival, security, or achievement.

Maybe that is because, in the end, everyone is searching for the same thing in their own way — their center, their source, their essence. But each person looks for truth according to their own nature, their own disposition, and their own path. The forms may differ, the language may differ, and the experience may differ — but all true paths still lead toward the same place.

Maybe self-help books also belong to a certain stage of growth and represent an important step on that path. But there are deeper teachings where, as one goes further, it is no longer only about finding an answer in the mind. If it is granted, one begins to live that answer.

Then the deeper question begins: What is the truth of my being?

Cagla wrote: "Then the deeper question begins: What is the truth of my being?"

Hello Cagla,

Thank you for your thoughtful reply.

Your question, “What is the truth of my being?”, is a profound one. I sometimes find myself drifting slightly wider, though, and wondering: “What is the truth of all life?” Not just the individual, but the whole.

I have a sense — though I wouldn’t claim it as an answer — that perhaps whatever created us is, in some way, becoming conscious through us. That we are part of a larger process rather than separate from it.

But as soon as one question appears, ten more seem to follow. That’s the difficulty with philosophy — it opens doors rather than closing them.

In the end, we may not arrive at a final answer, but the act of asking the question seems to change us in some way.

Best wishes,
James

James wrote: "Cagla wrote: "Then the deeper question begins: What is the truth of my being?"

Hello Cagla,

Thank you for your thoughtful reply.

Your question, “What is the truth of my being?”, is a profound on..."

Hello James,

Thank you for such a thoughtful reply.

I think you touched on something very true by widening the question. While the search often begins with the self, if we go deep enough, it naturally opens toward the whole. It’s like moving from the micro to the macro—discovering oneself becomes the very door to discovering a greater reality.

It is interesting how modern disciplines, despite being so specialized, are starting to reveal these hidden connections again. I’ve always been fascinated by the holographic idea that each part carries the imprint of the whole within it. We aren't separate from the whole, yet we aren't the entire whole either; perhaps we are like different organs in one living body—each with a unique nature and function, yet all belonging to the same life. Each person is a world, yet we all belong to the same world.

This paradox—knowing oneself to glimpse something beyond the self—has been the central question of my inner work and writing for years. It’s actually what eventually shaped my book; not as a final answer, but as a reflection of the path itself. And as you said, that path is never truly finished.

I also loved your point about one question opening ten more. Perhaps that isn’t a failure of philosophy, but its true purpose—stripping away the non-essential until we find the question that really matters.

In the end, maybe the value isn't in reaching a destination, but in who we become while walking the road.

Warmly,

Cagla wrote: "James wrote: "Cagla wrote: "Then the deeper question begins: What is the truth of my being?"

Hello Cagla,

Thank you for your thoughtful reply.

Your question, “What is the truth of my being?”, is..."

Good morning Cagla and James, thank you for thoughtful discussion :)

In an ideal world, all of us would have an answer to "what is the essense of my being", and then, as you say, "live that truth".

Some of us achieved that, you know! I've seen it, many times...

How to increase your chances of getting there? In my opinion, by staying "raw and open", all the time- but its painful, and scary, hence not all of us succeed.

Have a beautiful day :)))

Jasmine

Dr. wrote: "Cagla wrote: "James wrote: "Cagla wrote: "Then the deeper question begins: What is the truth of my being?"

Hello Cagla,

Thank you for your thoughtful reply.

Your question, “What is the truth of ..."

Good morning Jasmine,

Thank you — this felt very true to me.

I think one must also be willing to leave the comfort zone behind. And the right environment matters so much too — the support of those who are walking a similar path can make a real difference.

It also takes courage to break the false patterns planted in us. As Jesus says in one well-known verse, “Unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.” And in another symbolic sense, it is like Abraham breaking the idols — first the false inner structures must fall.

Maybe we have to clear something in ourselves first, so that what is true can enter a clean space. It is not easy at all. It takes patience, faith, courage, and surrender.

And in the end, some part of it also feels like grace — like something that is given. But we are still responsible for doing the best we can on our side.

Wishing you a beautiful day too :)

Hello Cagla, Jasmine,

I must admit, reading these replies has moved me more than I expected. There’s something about this line of thought that feels less like theory and more like recognition — as if we’re circling something familiar without quite being able to name it.

It reminds me, in a way, of the story of the Buddha — leaving behind his royal life, his family, everything, in search of truth. It’s perhaps one of the most powerful examples of someone taking that question to its absolute limit.

And yet, I’ve always found myself slightly unsettled by that part of the story. There’s something difficult in the idea of turning away from those closest to us in order to seek something higher. It raises an uncomfortable question: is that what it takes? Or is there another way — one that doesn’t require stepping outside of life, but going deeper into it?

Perhaps that’s part of the tension in all of this. Whether truth is found by withdrawing from the world… or by remaining fully within it.

Best wishes,
James

James wrote: "Hello Cagla, Jasmine,

I must admit, reading these replies has moved me more than I expected. There’s something about this line of thought that feels less like theory and more like recognition — as..."

Hi James :)

I feel that " finding the truth by withdrawing from the world" is kind of cheating, or even, intellectual self indulgence.

Its much harder, and messier, to understand the most complex part of life- how all the people/other entities around you interact and affect you- whilst actually living amongst them.

Finding out and implemeting "hundreds of little things" that make it harmonious for them to have you in their lives, and vice versa, would constitute " the ultimate enlightnment", in my opinion :)

As for the " essense of you", well, it is unique and hence your way of achieving harmony will translate into your unique past times, the paid ones and the other ones :))

Jasmine

James wrote: "Hello Cagla, Jasmine,

I must admit, reading these replies has moved me more than I expected. There’s something about this line of thought that feels less like theory and more like recognition — as..."

Hello James,

You’ve touched on a truly profound point here, and I feel this conversation is moving into an even deeper place!

To me, this question points toward one of the highest stages of inner development, because at some point the real search is no longer only about leaving or staying, but about learning the right balance.

That balance appears in many forms across different traditions. Some paths lean toward discipline, reason, and structure; others toward love, mercy, and the way of the heart. And then there is the deeper way that tries to hold both without losing either.

This is also why I don’t think the answer can be complete withdrawal from life. If human beings could truly evolve through seclusion alone, perhaps none of us would have been sent into the world at all. So much of what we need to see in ourselves only becomes visible through relationship. Our flaws, our wounds, our strengths, our capacity for love — all of these are revealed in the mirror of others. In a sense, what is outside us reflects what is within us, and even our relationship with our own inner world becomes visible through the relationships we live outside.

But that does not mean our attention should remain only outward either. If we lose the inner relationship, we lose the center from which all outer relationship can be understood rightly. So again, it comes back to balance.

That is why I feel the real question is not simply whether truth is found by withdrawing from life or by remaining within it, but whether one can go deeply enough into truth without losing one’s humanity, one’s responsibilities, or one’s capacity to love.

Perhaps the deeper way is neither total withdrawal nor total immersion, but learning how to remain inwardly awake while fully present in life.

Maybe that is where the real balance begins.

Cagla

Cagla wrote: "James wrote: "Hello Cagla, Jasmine,

I must admit, reading these replies has moved me more than I expected. There’s something about this line of thought that feels less like theory and more like re..."

Hi Cagla,

self reflection is very important; I agree :)

I would like to know, what is your take on defining " balance"?

Thank you :)

Jasmine

Dr. wrote: "Cagla wrote: "James wrote: "Hello Cagla, Jasmine,

I must admit, reading these replies has moved me more than I expected. There’s something about this line of thought that feels less like theory an..."

Dear Jasmine,

That’s a very good question.

In a more practical sense, to me balance means not letting one part of life swallow all the others.

For example, giving to others without completely neglecting yourself. Being open-hearted, but still having boundaries. Taking care of responsibilities in the outer world, while also making space for silence, reflection, and inner life. It also means knowing when to act, when to wait, when to speak, and when to stay quiet.

In many religious traditions, this balance is also described as walking a very fine path — a kind of middle way. And to me, that path is not only something after death or somewhere beyond life; it is life itself. Maybe we are here, in part, to learn how to walk that path every day, by staying inwardly awake while moving through the world.

So I don’t see balance as a fixed or perfect state. It’s not a final state we arrive at, but something we keep trying to return to, moment by moment.

That’s what balance means to me :)

Cagla wrote: "Dr. wrote: "Cagla wrote: "James wrote: "Hello Cagla, Jasmine,

I must admit, reading these replies has moved me more than I expected. There’s something about this line of thought that feels less li..."

Thank you, Cagla- you see balance the way most of us see it :); the " practical definition" , as you say.

Jasmine

Dr. wrote: "Cagla wrote: "Dr. wrote: "Cagla wrote: "James wrote: "Hello Cagla, Jasmine,

I must admit, reading these replies has moved me more than I expected. There’s something about this line of thought that..."

Oh yes Jasmine, sometimes the practical path is the best place to start :))

I believe those questions and themes are imbedded - overtly or covertly, in every book worth reading. Whether it is The Count of Monte Cristo, or The Great Gatsby or Kane and Able, those questions are, in some way, implied in the writings and characters.

Hello Cagla, Jasmine,

I wonder if “balance” is perhaps a little too easy as an answer — or at least, easier to describe than to actually live.

How do we truly find that balance? And even if we do, how does it answer the deeper question of meaning — why we are here at all?

Every day we see people struggle with this. We chase money, and when we find it, it doesn’t satisfy us, so we want more. We find love, and after a while even that can lose its intensity, and we start looking for something new. It seems we are always moving, always searching, rarely content for long.

If we look at nature, even Darwin’s idea of survival suggests constant competition and pressure (Survival of the fittest). There is no obvious “balance” there — only movement, adaptation, and change. So how do we, as individuals, find a stable centre within something so variable?

I sometimes feel that perhaps the answer doesn’t lie in the physical goals at all. Maybe those are just part of the surface experience. The deeper shift might come when we begin to step back from them and look at life from a different level — what we might call a higher level of awareness or consciousness.

Even the act of asking these questions feels like a step in that direction.

But then another question follows: if we reach that level — or even glimpse it — what do we actually do with it? And what does it really mean in the context of an ordinary human life?

Best wishes,
James

good

A.C. wrote: "I believe those questions and themes are imbedded - overtly or covertly, in every book worth reading. Whether it is The Count of Monte Cristo, or The Great Gatsby or Kane and Able, those questions ..."

That’s very true. What makes a book lasting is not only the story itself, but the deeper questions it carries beneath it.

This is also why some books can cross time, culture, and generations. The characters and settings change, but what people struggle with, deep down, remains much the same.

Best,
Cagla

James wrote: "Hello Cagla, Jasmine,

I wonder if “balance” is perhaps a little too easy as an answer — or at least, easier to describe than to actually live.

How do we truly find that balance? And even if we do..."

Hello James,

There’s a lot in what you wrote, and I feel this conversation is moving into something deeper.

I very much agree that “balance” can sound easier in words than in life. Maybe that is because balance is not something we solve once and keep forever. It is something we keep losing and trying to return to, again and again, within life itself.

And I also feel that balance alone does not answer the deeper question of meaning. To me, it is more like a necessary condition — not the answer itself, but what allows us to stay on the path without falling off too quickly. Without some inner balance, we may not even be able to stay with the deeper question long enough.

What you say about money, love, and the constant search also feels very true. We keep moving from one desire to another, hoping each one will finally satisfy something inside. But after a while, each outer form shows its limit. Maybe that disappointment is not meaningless. Maybe it is part of what slowly turns the search inward.

Your point about nature is important too. On the surface, nature looks like struggle, adaptation, and constant change. But maybe balance does not mean the absence of movement or tension. Even creation seems to move through intensity, collision, and unfolding before form appears. In cosmology too, structure emerged through movement, pressure, and differentiation. And in the early universe, matter and antimatter were not in perfect symmetry; if there had not been even the slightest excess of matter, the material world as we know it would not have formed. So maybe what looks like chaos or opposition is not always the opposite of balance. Sometimes it is part of the process through which balance appears.

Maybe human life is similar. Both inwardly and outwardly, both personally and collectively, we seem to pass through extremes before learning how to find the center. In that sense, balance may not be something given from the beginning. It may be something we grow into.

And yes, I think you are right that the deeper shift begins when we step back from surface goals and begin looking from another level of awareness. Even sincerely asking these questions already feels like part of that movement.

As for your last question, I don’t think reaching that level means escaping ordinary human life. To me, it means living it differently. The person may still do ordinary things, but from a different center. In a way, the answer is no longer only something they think about — it begins to show in how they live, choose, relate, and see.

So maybe the deepest insight does not remove us from life, but returns us to it with a different consciousness.

Sorry this became longer than I intended. :))

Warmly,
Cagla

Cagla wrote: "James wrote: "Hello Cagla, Jasmine,

I wonder if “balance” is perhaps a little too easy as an answer — or at least, easier to describe than to actually live.

How do we truly find that balance? And..."

Dear Cagla, James and A.C.

Your comments inspired me to write a post on "balance":

https://www.goodreads.com/author_blog...

Thank you for being so generous and authentic with your thoughts!

:)

Jasmine

Dr. wrote: "Cagla wrote: "James wrote: "Hello Cagla, Jasmine,

I wonder if “balance” is perhaps a little too easy as an answer — or at least, easier to describe than to actually live.

How do we truly find tha..."

Dear Jasmine,

Thank you so much for this beautiful blog — and for including my words in it. That truly touched me.

I especially liked the way you showed that balance is not something isolated or fixed, but something living, relational, and constantly moving.

Thank you for carrying the conversation forward so beautifully.

With love,
Cagla

Cagla wrote: "Dr. wrote: "Cagla wrote: "James wrote: "Hello Cagla, Jasmine,

I wonder if “balance” is perhaps a little too easy as an answer — or at least, easier to describe than to actually live.

How do we tr..."

:))

Dr. wrote: "Cagla wrote: "James wrote: "Hello Cagla, Jasmine,

I wonder if “balance” is perhaps a little too easy as an answer — or at least, easier to describe than to actually live.

How do we truly find tha..."

Everything we do, every promise kept or broken, every kindness or careless word, leaves a mark. For some, we become a sacred memory, a light that once shone, even if now it’s only a gentle warmth in the quiet corners of their heart. We may never know the full measure of our influence, but we can choose to walk gently, to offer kindness, and to trust that, somewhere, our presence made a difference.

The Gifts We Share: There are mornings when I sit quietly, not to escape the world, but to listen for the echoes of those who once walked beside me. Friends whose laughter still lingers in the corners of my memory, whose kindness shaped the man I became. They are gone now, at least in body. But in memory, they remain vivid, like sunlight on water, flickering but never lost.

I do not grieve what might have been. I do not ache for unfinished conversations or paths we never walked. What I feel is something quieter, more sacred: gratitude. For the gifts we shared. For the moments that asked nothing of us but presence. For the kind of memory that doesn’t belong to one person, but to the space between two souls.

A shared memory is of more value than an individual one. It is a living thing, held by both, shaped by both, and carried forward even when one hand lets go.

In those memories, I find not sadness, but affirmation. That we mattered to each other. That our time together was not wasted. That kindness, once given, does not die. Grief is a measure of how much someone meant to us, not a burden to be carried.

Lanterns of light: At times when I was tested, fate handed me lanterns of light. They did not banish the darkness, but they gave me enough glow to keep walking. They were lanterns of kindness, of music as medicine, and of grace that I will never forget.

True friendships are rare. They don’t arrive with fanfare. They arrive with effort, with patience, with the quiet courage to stay. I’ve lived a life shaped by misadventure, resilience, and the ripple effect of kindness. And through it all, I’ve learned this: it’s not how many walks beside you, it’s who. And if you’re lucky, even one is enough.

I don’t deny that history leaves marks, I don’t believe it seals fate. Life is free, unless you’re a convict or a prisoner. We all have the ability to change. If you’re surrounded by bad influences, move away. If you’re hungry, seek help. If you’re hurting, speak up. Blaming everything on past events or someone else, won’t solve anything. It will entrench the negative narrative and eventually, your behaviour will follow that script. We’re our own worst enemy sometimes. Doesn’t take much pride to look after the little you’ve been given. Look after yourself. Be the person you want to be. And forgive those that step on you. Forgiveness doesn't mean you forget.

As a child I planted seeds in cracked soil, as an adolescent I watered and tended that garden. For some they grow weeds, I grew flowering plants.

Thanks for spending time reading my thoughts

James

To Rise Above Your Fear: One Season at a Time

James wrote: "That’s an interesting question.

I sometimes think we move through life in stages, each with its own very clear “purpose.” As children, we’re mostly concerned with food and comfort. As teenagers, e..."

I believe you are correct, I see life in Seasons, for me, WINTER — Childhood Betrayal, SPRING — Restless Horizons, SUMMER — Lessons in Resilience, AUTUMN — Whispers of Gratitude

Yes, we move through so many small stages which come with small short term goals which keep changing with age and time. Like our desires. First we cry for toys and then for certificates and degrees, and then for jobs and then for love, and then for peace. Love remains a constant struggle. Its nature keep changes, though. We struggle for sucesss in everything, in love, life and business, and it keeps us going. Our struggle keeps us busy. Happy. On the move.

James wrote: "Dr. wrote: "Cagla wrote: "James wrote: "Hello Cagla, Jasmine,

I wonder if “balance” is perhaps a little too easy as an answer — or at least, easier to describe than to actually live.

How do we tr..."

Hi James :)

So many beautiful thoughts- thank you!

I especially like the image of little lanterns that help one go through dark times; lanterns being people, memories, or something altogether undescribable.

:)

Jasmine

Jamaluddin wrote: "Yes, we move through so many small stages which come with small short term goals which keep changing with age and time. Like our desires. First we cry for tops and then for certificates, degrees, a..."

Hi Jamaluddin :)

" Busy, happy, on the move and in love"? I'd say, remove busy and on the move and you are left with perfection...
sorry couldnt resist this joke!
:)

Jasmine

James wrote: "Dr. wrote: "Cagla wrote: "James wrote: "Hello Cagla, Jasmine,

I wonder if “balance” is perhaps a little too easy as an answer — or at least, easier to describe than to actually live.

How do we tr..."

James, thank you for sharing something so inward and heartfelt with us. It truly touched me.

There is something very beautiful in the way you hold memory here — not as a wound that keeps pulling you backward, but as a quiet light that continues to warm the soul. And yes, I also feel that what is real between people does not end so easily. A shared kindness, a true presence, a moment of grace — these go on living somewhere beyond the visible.

There is a lot of gentleness in this piece, but also strength. Thank you for bringing it here.

James wrote: "James wrote: "That’s an interesting question.

I sometimes think we move through life in stages, each with its own very clear “purpose.” As children, we’re mostly concerned with food and comfort. A..."

Beautifully said... Life moves in cycles, and each season carries its own beauty and lesson.

Jamaluddin wrote: "Yes, we move through so many small stages which come with small short term goals which keep changing with age and time. Like our desires. First we cry for toys and then for certificates and degrees..."

Very true, Jamaluddin. Maybe the reason we keep struggling is that we are really chasing happiness, but because we think happiness can be found in temporary pleasures, what we actually keep chasing is one form of pleasure after another.

The object changes with every stage of life, but the movement itself stays the same — until we begin to see that peace cannot be built on what always passes.

Dr. wrote: "Jamaluddin wrote: "Yes, we move through so many small stages which come with small short term goals which keep changing with age and time. Like our desires. First we cry for tops and then for certi..."

Dear Jasmine :)

Yes, maybe that is exactly the turning point — when we begin to want peace more than constant movement.

I liked the joke :))

Hello Cagla,

There are many profound thoughts in this thread, and I find myself agreeing with much of what has been said. But I keep coming back to a more practical question: how do self-help books actually help us when we are truly struggling?

I’d like to share a personal experience. Many years ago, I went through a period of deep depression. I tried the usual routes — medication, talking therapies, religion — and, of course, a whole shelf of self-help books. Most of them seemed to circle around the same idea: pull yourself together and get on with life. When you’re depressed, that isn’t much help.

What eventually made a difference came from a different direction — teachers like Eckhart Tolle, Mooji, Deepak Chopra, Sadhguru Jaggi Vasudev, and Matthieu Ricard. What they point to is not really “improving” life, but understanding awareness itself — the ability to observe thoughts, emotions, and reactions without being completely caught in them.

For me, that changed something fundamental. It wasn’t about fixing my life on the surface, but about seeing that I was not entirely defined by what was happening inside my head. That small shift created space — and in that space, things slowly began to change.

This may not be the answer for everyone, but it made me wonder whether the deeper value of self-help is not in telling us what to do, but in helping us see more clearly what is already happening within us.

Best wishes,
James

James wrote: "Hello Cagla,

There are many profound thoughts in this thread, and I find myself agreeing with much of what has been said. But I keep coming back to a more practical question: how do self-help book..."

Hello James,

You’ve pointed to a very important difference here, and I think many people experience exactly this.

A lot of self-help speaks to the surface — what to do, how to cope, how to improve things. And sometimes that really helps for a while. But when someone is struggling in a deeper way, that kind of advice can start to feel limited.

What you wrote about awareness feels much closer to the real turning point. Very often, what is happening outside reflects something in how we are seeing, reacting, and carrying things inside. So when the work becomes more inward, something outside begins to change too — not because life suddenly becomes easy, but because the person meeting it is no longer the same.

My own path was a bit like that too. I started with self-help books, and at that stage they genuinely helped me. They opened something and gave me a sense of direction. But after a certain point, I also felt something was still missing. Then I moved toward the kinds of teachers you mentioned, and into meditation and inner practices. Later, that opened the door to older and deeper teachings.

So maybe the path unfolds in layers. What helps at one stage may not be enough at another, but each stage prepares us for the next.

And yes, I think you may be right — the deeper value is not always in being told what to do, but in seeing more clearly what is already happening within us.

Warmly,
Cagla

For me the questions I wanted to find on the web were a bit harder to find for certain circumstances.

Like a guide through the trauma of life. When your data stream gets hacked. Everyday devices like cars, phone, laptop, devices e.t.c.

Windows rolling down when the rain pours. Alarm triggered. Doors lock / unlock out of a data net nightmare.

So we made a guide for that.

Workouts / therapy for back pain. Compression from the military. Injuries from MMA. What movements can I do that don't trigger my pain receptors.

Diet to think clearly. Heal faster. Less sugar, less inflammation.

Some people don't realise this if you get hit hard enough or repeated you risk the ability to see properly. Also in an age when we were constantly surrounded by data screens.

How to see again.

Money budgeting that keeps your life on track.
When its so easy to buy things all by the click of a button.
When data impulse overpowers logical reasoning.

Like is this a want or a need.

Ways to work through tribulations not fall underneath as it feels like the cave is collapsing.

I would also want reminders to know I wasn't alone that I wasn't the only one dealing with this internal ache.

A place in a world where it made me feel like I belonged.

Books that would elevate me.

Sequences that could help me bounce back from traumatic brain injury.

Ways to get the best sleep.

A combination of herbs that work like a medicine. Calming the stress. The madness of the trauma that clings like unwanted baggage.

How to deal with motion sickness. On a boat / in a car/ reclined on a plane.

Ways to make someone feel good. When touch feels rare. To cherish the moment to leave an impression, a night that lingers. Unforgettable.

& maybe in at all a way to apologize for all the mistakes i ever made.

A therapeutic method, a world to share to all who ever were wounded by life like I.

There is a certain sensation, when content hits the senses. Like this is real. I've felt like this before. Maybe I'm not so alone after all.

Maybe its just seeing people for the monsters they are hiding behind the flesh of skin.

There are a lot of questions that circle around; when I was younger, I wished someone could have told me. But maybe it was fear of not asking. The fear of not being believed.
The pain of being humiliated for past injuries.

There are alot of things alot of trauma that was silenced.
My peers. When I was younger the things that happened to me.
The things that happened to my friends.

Silenced, abused, betrayed by the very people they thought were supposed to protect them.

When I think of self help & all the questions to be answered. I think all about what I've been through.

& how i could gift that to another. Trauma doesn't care about age, region, or religion we all experience it.

& to say the least it leaves us vulnerable. But from what I experienced people say one thing but do another.

Especially when that option makes them unpopular.
& the ability to deal with that carnage.

That mistreatment. For standing by / believing in someone when everybody else brushed on. Like it was a foolish mistake guarding guarding a wounded gazelle being hunted by the Lions guard.

& the bizarre betrayals that occurred was by some of the people we protected. To build someone up only for them to switch sides, share secrets, join in on set ups. Leave empathy traps because they know your route.

& after all the bloodshed. To be like. I remember once when we were friends.

To the girl who we promised to be friends until the end of time.
How to deal with the ending. When we no longer consider ourselves to be friends.

& when all that trauma hits directly with the lack of sleep. Nightmares, flashbacks mutate into their own monstresties.

So the questions would be when I leave this world.
From the challenges God Tasked me to survive.

How would I make it easier on someone walkin' in my shoes.

How would I gift someone friends that would always come through.

How could I guide someone through all that pain they kept hidden inside to say "I was once there to."

When I was younger I ran from my past. Turned to mind altering substances such as alcohol to try to erase the pain. The worry. The mistakes but that dread only grew as did my addiction.

I thought I was being cool, little do I know I looked liked the biggest fool.

I got my mindset right before I ever put on a uniform to serve.
I had to.

A part of it. Was remembering the love I was shown.

Sorry my brain is trailing off.

How would we guide the youth of today to becoming productive members of society not destructive menaces.

I always thought it was intelligence, turned out it was the direction of their heart. Repairing that inner compass that broke. Towards the values of old. Keeping things simple, not flashy.

To show not to say somebody actually cares.
& to say not everyone would approve.
Of what we survived, what we went through.

More mouths silenced by scorn.
Silent lips screamed as clothes were torn.
Flesh battered & bruised. Cloth hides the physical stains.

How to say not all men are pigs.
For someone who may hate you for simply having a P~.

So for every question, I asked.
I had to answer it.
For my unconventional autobiography released every truth unsaid.

It's odd because I always thought sharing our scars would receive praise but by so many it was taken completely the other way.

& those who have gone through it are tired of being betrayed.
So even a simple thank you becomes rare.
Especially by those who don't like to read.

So I guess a question I toggle with myself is.

When we write self-help books is it because we see a younger version of ourselves that we wished to help or is it someone else's pain that you feel obliged to guide through the storm of the unseen.

Or is it of circumstances that don’t apply to us but are beneficial to another.

For me it's been: :.

Although I could re-read the flow of the chat.

It's always comforting to find ourselves in the minds that think the same. \ That in the end of each day all I was tryin' to do was lessen somebody else's pain.

& maybe that is the recurrent question. The real motive for the things we do, the sacrifices we make that usually get overlooked.
To continue despite the L0$T.

Benji wrote: "For me the questions I wanted to find on the web were a bit harder to find for certain circumstances.

Like a guide through the trauma of life. When your data stream gets hacked. Everyday devices ..."

Dear Benji,

OMG, how many things you've been through/thought about, and you are only in your early 30s... I agree its comfort to read someone else's thoughts that feel like yours; and I can really relate to your comment about "teaching the young"; the eternal dilemma being, of course, that we want to teach them in order to spare them trauma, but they dont want to learn any wisdom from us unless they already had trauma.

However the solution does exist, and you have stated it yourself- if each of us tries to lessen somebody's pain, every day, everything will eventually work out, I am sure :)

Hugs for Benji ( ) ( ) ( )

Hope you will sleep well tonight :)

Jasmine

Not to sound like a victim looking for pity.

My whole life from the age of about 3 has been a struggle, with the world surrounding me, as well as within myself.

I learnt early, I had nobody to catch me if I fell, nobody to comfort me from my despair. I learnt I was alone. I was abandoned, went to war, lost everything more than twice, but I kept moving forward.

So, I folded that pain within and kept moving forward, walking towards the light and out of the shadows that surrounded me.

No self help books, no phycologist was going to help me. I may have been forgotten, but I knew I wasn't broken, I may have been bound but I wasn't a prisoner.

I learnt the only person to save me, was me.

Sure, there were many lanterns of light shone on my path, to lead me from the shadows but it had to be me that walked those steps, to be who I wanted to be, not what others thought I should be.

We all have the capacity to change the direction of our lives. As I tell people life is living, not imagined. Someone once asked me "How do you have so many fantastic stories, they never end?" I said "you have to jump on the bull, grab it by the horns and ride it until it throws you, you may get trampled, you may get hurt, but you will have your story or lesson, which you will carry through out your life and can share with others.

The same problem recurring means you are the problem. Sadhguru

James wrote: "The same problem recurring means you are the problem. Sadhguru"

Very wise, James and Sadhguru :)

The best self-help books motivate you to be a better person and your best self. And maybe teach you something about yourself that you didn't know. For example, creating your own coat of arms and discovering that you have accomplished something that no one else in the room has.
I try not to dwell on anything much deeper than The Little Prince
https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/1...

Benji wrote: "For me the questions I wanted to find on the web were a bit harder to find for certain circumstances.

Like a guide through the trauma of life. When your data stream gets hacked. Everyday devices ..."

Your words touched me, Benji.

This feels like more than a search for self-help. It speaks from a place where a person has been broken and is trying to understand how strength can still grow from that. Maybe that is why, without always knowing it, we become mirrors for each other’s past, present, or future.

I think our pain and experiences also take on another meaning when we are able to rise through them. When we can reach someone who is living through something similar but has not yet made it through, it helps us feel that what we went through was not for nothing.
And there is a kind of comfort, even happiness, in seeing that it can help someone else too.

Thank you for sharing it.

James wrote: "Not to sound like a victim looking for pity.

My whole life from the age of about 3 has been a struggle, with the world surrounding me, as well as within myself.

I learnt early, I had nobody to c..."

That’s very true, James. Books can remind us of what is already there in us, and that matters. But in the end, understanding what is being shown and taking the step is still up to us.

There are many things in life that can light the way for us. But we only keep moving if we are able to see them, and if we have the courage and the will to follow where they point.

As the sages say, this is a journey from self to self.

We have two ears and one mouth, so that we can listen more than we talk. Just my thoughts, nothing personal.