The Metaframe War 2.0 - ARC Read A Subtle Agency > Likes and Comments
Got it! I'll get it loaded to my Kindle soon. I definitely need a break from my current book so this timing is perfect :)
Narilka wrote: "Got it! I'll get it loaded to my Kindle soon. I definitely need a break from my current book so this timing is perfect :)"Awesome, Narilka.
File received. Will begin reading in a day or 2 ☺️
Have my copy and I will also begin either tomorrow or Monday. :)
Hi All,What I'm trying to achieve here is a qualitative assessment of my 'revised writing craft and style.'
The fundamental story is essentially the same, how I've expressed it has changed.
The key features I've striven for are as follows.
[1] When Chloe appears, she'll be mysterious...
[2] The writing will be simpler. Shorter sentences and shorter paragraphs.
[3] Minimal info dumping. The reader will discover what is happening from action and dialog, rather than being told. This should leave dangling questions that are answered as the story evolves.
[4] More emotion physically experienced with each POV character as per the circumstance
[5] Hook early on page 1 or 2 of Chapter 1 (post prologue).
[6] Still want to read more by the end of the 1st chapter.
Hearing how you felt and what your experienced reading this story is the primary feedback, plus any visible 'sense of difference,' from your prior read of the original version.
Brian wrote: "Starting tonight"Awesome, Brian.
Through chapter 1. Font is small forcing me to wear my readers!!! Lol. Loving it so far. Good to be back in this world
For future books, I'll make a copy, increase the font to 12, then make the PDF with the larger font.Would you like me to do that today?
Brian wrote: "Through chapter 1. Font is small forcing me to wear my readers!!! Lol. Loving it so far. Good to be back in this world"How was Rikers? Hankins & Bosworth?
Graeme wrote: "For future books, I'll make a copy, increase the font to 12, then make the PDF with the larger font.Would you like me to do that today?"
nah pal. Im ok. Just getting older and complaining. lol. I love your writing and super excited to be reading this again
I am behind as stuff going on here at home so I will be on here just a little slow. I did read the prologue yesterday morning and found it to be more emotional. I see the tweaking that you did G on that whole scene with Mekra. It feels more fleshed out and there just seemed to be more emotions running rampant with Harkon and Ahknaton.
I’m hoping to dive in this evening. Marie, your comment has me excited to make a beginning!!
When I first started, I skipped past the Dramatis Personae as I tend to on rereads. Then I thought better and went back and read it. Its neat to see some old names since the series changes things by the end. Anyway...FWIW, I've only read the series once so this is my second read through.
Prologue (view spoiler)
My last eye-read was an epic style fantasy. It reminded me why I truly appreciate authors that write succinct stories. It is an art.
Marie wrote: "It feels more fleshed out and there just seemed to be more emotions running rampant with Harkon and Ahknaton...."Awesome. Thanks, Marie.
Janette wrote: "I’m hoping to dive in this evening. Marie, your comment has me excited to make a beginning!!"Excellent. I'll pop in from time to time to answer any questions.
Narilka wrote: "My last eye-read was an epic style fantasy. It reminded me why I truly appreciate authors that write succinct stories. It is an art...."Thanks, Narilka, much appreciated.
My revised craft is explicitly seeking to be succinct.
In my early books, I had a real tendency to 'over explain,' everything and 'info dump.'
In A Subtle Agency, I've cut two whole scenes - pure info dumping, and removing them improves the flow of the story.
Enjoy.
I read the new prologue last night and then reread the first edition prologue. I went back and forth between copies quite a bit in order to get a sense of how much you’d changed Graeme. Example: First Edition reads, “The Engine knew Ahknaton was coming, the storm was a warning.” New draft added the following, “ The Engine knew Ahknaton was coming, the storm was a warning … or a celebration. Did something intend this evil?” That’s an example of a spot you added some info. But I also see where you’ve made your writing simpler. The revised prologue has a smoother cadence for sure!
I am up to chapter 3. I feel that the writing is smoother. I can tell the difference between the original book and this one. Everything is flowing faster.
Janette wrote: "I read the new prologue last night and then reread the first edition prologue. I went back and forth between copies quite a bit in order to get a sense of how much you’d changed Graeme. Example: Fi...""... a smoother cadence ..."
Awesome. Glad it's visible.
"... a spot you added some info ..."
Indeed. Good spot (pun intended).
I think there are the following cases.
[1] I surface something the character knew or suspected at the time, but it was never mentioned in the 1.0 manuscript.
I sure you'll see this quite a bit across this book.
[2] Info dump removed and replaced with dialog and action, sometimes the replacement occurs much later in the story.
There's a heavily rewritten conversation in Chapter 3 that exemplifies this.
[3] Surfacing something implied in 1.0, but never actually revealed.
Something in the background get's page time this time around.
Look to the last scene of chapter 1 for an excellent example of what was always implied by the operation of the Vampire Dominion.
Enjoy.
Marie wrote: "I am up to chapter 3. I feel that the writing is smoother. I can tell the difference between the original book and this one. Everything is flowing faster."Like dumping nitrous oxide into a supercharged engine. 😊
You make me smile, Marie.
Yep. I think this version is gonna rock!
I am up to chapter 5. lol I have been kind of flying through it but that is typical of me - I have a hard time slowing down with this series. lol The action seems faster for some reason. Did you tweak action scenes or is it because you took stuff out and it just seems to be that way? The action seems to be more fluid but I was always breathless with the action scenes anyway so maybe it is just me. lol
Hi Marie,Primarily, I cut long sentences (complex) into simple sentences, and I broke paragraphs up based on who was doing what.
Instead of a single paragraph where 'Bill did x, Joe did y, then Wendy did z.' Every new character driven action gets a new paragraph.
As your eye reads down the page it's like ...
Action
Reaction
Action
Reaction
Action
Reaction
Action
Reaction
...
It becomes a drumbeat of action. Thump! Thump! Thump!
Graeme wrote: "Hi Marie,Primarily, I cut long sentences (complex) into simple sentences, and I broke paragraphs up based on who was doing what.
Instead of a single paragraph where 'Bill did x, Joe did y, then ..."
LOL!!! I already thought it was a drumbeat of action. But it is just an enhanced version now! LOL
Ch 1 (view spoiler)Graeme, how do you decide when to put in a full new chapter vs just a break in a chapter to change POV? Mostly I am just curious and there's nothing wrong with shorter vs longer chapters in general.
An excellent question, Narilka.When I started prepping this story, I read a book by Robert McKee, Story: Substance, Structure, Style, and the Principles of Screenwriting.
I really studied it. I've read it about 5 times - made little notes in the margins, etc. His concepts resonated deeply with me, and I did my best to bring them to life in how I put this story together.
The primary concept impacting chapter end points, and scene POV shifts is: Value Change.
The main arc of a story will shift value for the main character from positive to negative (down ending) or from negative to positive (up ending), and its possible to have a mixed postive/negative ending.
In a story, we break the structure down as follows.
Main Arc -> Acts -> Sequences/Chapters -> Scenes.
Now, the value change is implemented with scenes, and the strength of the value change is dependent on the scene's position within the structure.
Mid-chapter: Small changes of value.
End of Chapter: Substantial change
End of an Act: Large change.
End of the main Arc: Huge change.
The normal process is to bounce around from positive to negative and back to positive, but we can double up and do a positive to positive shift, or the opposite, as long as there is a clear contrast between each shift in value.
Now, value shifts are referenced against the POV character. It's their experience of gaining or losing ground vs what's important to them (their stakes).
Chapter 1, scene #1: Anton POV. His value shift is from positive to negative in the first scene, then it spirals to deeply negative by mid-chapter.
From my chapter outline (written back in 2013), I had this.
CHAPTER 1. When Nightmares Come True. (INCITING INCIDENT)
Friday 28th April
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Value Change: Starts +ve (Anton is Safe, and the world is sane, and confidently understood, ignorance is bliss.) - followed by a deep spiral into the negative, as his parents are murdered/Abducted/Imprisoned by Chloe Armitage and Marcus Drake on the orders of Cornelius Crane - however, Chloe has a secret agenda of her own.
Then reversed in the 2nd chapter.
CHAPTER 2. Refuge from the Street
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Value Change: Starts -ve, Anton is alone and devastated by the horrific deaths of his parents. The world has become strange and alien, he is alone and frightened. Moves +ve, as Anton finds a home and a good friend in Gang Wu.
These 'reversals or fortune,' are the stock in trade of story telling.
To answer your question, I choose scene POVs primarily on who has the most stake (and hence the most significant gain or loss of value) in what is happening in the scene, with a caveat: I will often favour a primary character over a lesser character for POV choice.
Cheers Graeme
Narilka wrote: "Ch 1 Spoiler.."Thanks for your feedback, Narilka.
That's exactly the response I'm attempting to achieve.
Did you stick notes to yourself in this ARC? LOL I am finding the word "Editor" plopped in a couple of times. The first time is at location: 2251 of 3581 - 63%.
The second time is at location: 2596 of 3581 -72%
I am also up to chapter 6. The flow of the book is just seamless - it moves at a faster pace. I can tell the difference between how the content was before compared to now.
As far as the chapters being shorter - I don't know - they still feel long to me - lol - it still takes me a bit to get to the next chapter but maybe that is the PDF version. The PDF makes everything run together so maybe it just feels that way. :) I will blame it on the PDF file. PDF always does that too with any kind of beta/arc read - it crunches everything together. There is no formatting within a PDF file - this isn't the first time I have seen everything running together in one lump. LOL Sigh.....I miss the days of the mobi files. :) Epub is a little better as it at least keeps paragraphs separated.
Whoops sorry - I got off on a file tangent. lol
Whoops (editor) ... 'runs off to check...'
Hi All,Accidentally left two 'EDITOR,' markers in the text.
Please ignore them, already identified and fixed. Thanks, Marie.
Cheers Graeme
Marie wrote: "I am also up to chapter 6. The flow of the book is just seamless - it moves at a faster pace. I can tell the difference between how the content was before compared to now...."Awesome. Glad you're loving it.
Marie wrote: "As far as the chapters being shorter - I don't know - they still feel long to me - lol - it still takes me a bit to get to the next chapter but maybe that is the PDF version...."Page count went up, due to shorter paragraphs, etc.
I'll look into swapping to .mobi for future books.
Graeme wrote: "Now fixed! Thanks, Marie. 👏👏👏"You are welcome. :)
Graeme wrote: "Marie wrote: "As far as the chapters being shorter - I don't know - they still feel long to me - lol - it still takes me a bit to get to the next chapter but maybe that is the PDF version...."Page count went up, due to shorter paragraphs, etc.
I'll look into swapping to .mobi for future books."
You won't be able to use .mobi as Amazon no longer supports it. Everything is either PDF or Epub now. In 2021 they started phasing out mobi and then by 2023 they stopped using it all together and wouldn't let readers transfer mobi files to kindle. :)
Graeme wrote: "Brian wrote: "Through chapter 1. Font is small forcing me to wear my readers!!! Lol. Loving it so far. Good to be back in this world"How was Rikers? Hankins & Bosworth?"
Graeme, are you open to explaining the whole Hankins and Bosworth portion of chapter 1? I feel silly, but I’m totally missing the point.
I’m up to chapter 3. I’m finding this rewrite more enjoyable because I’m not losing my way between characters and storylines as I often did my first two times reading book one. I’m sure part of that is due to the fact that I read the entire series just last year. But I also think that the removal of the “info dump” and replacing with action and dialogue is causing everything in your writing to be more fluid and understandable. You’re trusting your readers more by allowing us the opportunity to practice patience while waiting to receive more info. You’re also trusting us to try and figure out certain things on our own. Good stuff!
Graeme wrote: "An excellent question, Narilka.When I started prepping this story, I read a book by Robert McKee, Story: Substance, Structure, Style, and the Principles of Screenwriting.
I really s..."
That's interesting. I always wondered what an author's thoughts were on this.
@Marie, the chapters are "long" for a thriller in that some of the thrillers I read have chapters that are two pages long hah Not sure if that's a thing in traditional horror as I don't read as many of those. At least Graeme puts in those mid-chapter breaks which make it easy to pause and pick back up as needed.
Janette wrote: "Graeme, are you open to explaining the whole Hankins and Bosworth portion of chapter 1?..."Sure, Janette.
The original scene was approx 50-60% info dump followed by William Slayne's conversion and imprisonment. The info dumping explained the hsitory of the 'waste disposal system,' and the vampire prison.
[Issue/Action #1] Info dumping ... so, I cut it.
I looked at the scene. The original scene stated (correctly) that the prison was the deepest, most secret, most protected part of the Rikers Island facility, implying that Chloe must have walked through the 'waste disposal,' section to get to the prison.
[Issue/Action #2] Begin the scene with the POV character as quickly as possible. Chloe opens the scene via witnessing the doors, then entering the vampire access only 'waste treatment,' facility.
The massive doors split apart, pulled back, and slowly retreated to the left and right with a soft hydraulic hum.
Chloe put her universal pass away and strode into the restricted section of the bio-hazard waste disposal facility of the Rikers Island waste treatment plant.
[Issue/Action #3] Previously missed opportunity for world and character (Chloe) building.
The little episode with Hankins and Bosworth demonstrates several things through action, dialog and scenery.
[1] The waste disposal system is industrial in scope and operation (and horrific.) This reinforces the concept of the Vampire Dominion as a secret organisation that works to keep itself secret.
[2] After over a hundred years of working the same vile job, Hankins and Bosworth are quite mad. Being a vampire is not all blood and skittles...
[3] Chloe is not comfortable with madness. I surface a few of points in her personality in the first chapter via dialog and action that were previously only implied or 'told.'
E.g. Chloe and the Praetorians do not like each other. Chloe despises those who hurt children. Chloe loves combat and the thrill of war, and misses it. Chloe is freaked out by mad vampires, and she would kill them ... if Crane allowed it.
Cheers Graeme
Janette wrote: "You’re trusting your readers more by allowing us the opportunity to practice patience while waiting to receive more info...."Spot on.
Thanks, Janette.
Narilka wrote: " chapters..."Some stats.
OLD: 211 pages, 90,404 words
NEW: 232 pages, 87,537 words.
Word count shrank, while page count grew.
Chapter sizing is approx. the same.
That said, my chapters are quite long, and chapter 1 of A Traitor's War is a doozy! 😊
I finished the book earlier today - my zoom meter was up past overdrive! lol But that is nothing new with this series and having read A Subtle Agency about six times now (oh yeah that is a book record for me - lol) I felt that everything just rolled along smoothly. :) I will be hanging around on here to see what everyone else thinks about the new and enhanced version. :)
Graeme wrote: "Narilka wrote: " chapters..."Some stats.
OLD: 211 pages, 90,404 words
NEW: 232 pages, 87,537 words.
Word count shrank, while page count grew.
Chapter sizing is approx. the same.
That said, my chapters are quite long, and chapter 1 of A Traitor's War is a doozy! 😊..."
I knew it was longer and you just confirmed it G. lol Oh yeah - A Traitor's War Chapter 1 - that one takes the cake!! lol I was almost exhausted in that chapter and had to rest some. lol
Well......ummm..did you make it longer I guess would be my question? lol It was already a doozy - so what is it now? lol A super doozy? lol
Marie wrote: "I felt that everything just rolled along smoothly. :)..."Excellent.
Marie wrote: "did you make it longer I guess would be my question?..."Only as a byproduct of the new writing craft method ... not intentionally. 😊
Proposed start date: 01 August 2026.