Meghan’s Comments (group member since May 22, 2020)

Meghan’s comments from the Well-being for All of Us: Virtual Book Club group.

Discussion Guide:
We Live for the We: The Political Power of Black Motherhood
By Dani McClain

1. In Chapter One, McClain describes the process of developing trust in her obstetrician and others she encounters during prenatal care. She also
interviews black birth workers and writes about the importance of finding
culturally appropriate circles of support with other expectant parents. Did
these interview and reflections help you better understand the challenges
black families face around pregnancy and birth?

2. Early in the book, McClain writes, “When pressed, [white] parents often admit that they don’t know how to talk aboutrace and are scared that if they try, their kids will say the wrong things in the world. Black mothers, on the other hand, are scared not of talk of race but of the impact of racist oppression.” (p7) Have race and power been common topics of conversation in your family? Why or why not? If so, who’s initiated those
conversations, and how have they gone?

3. In Chapter Three, McClain writes, “Mothers transmit culture.” Have you found tha tto be true? When have you witnessed a mother passing on lessons that shaped a child’s understanding of the world around them?

4. Certain cities play an important role in the book, namely Cincinnati, Detroit and the San Francisco Bay Area. How has rootedness in one community or experiences in various communities shaped your parenting or your childhood? Has choosing whereto live been an
important decision in your family’s life?

5. Throughout the book, McClain expresses a sense of anxiety. The emotion is a consistent presence in her experience of early motherhood, whether she’s choosing a childcare provider, choosing a school, or acknowledging the persistent threat of police violence. Can
you relate? To what extent do fear, worry and anxiety play a role in your family life?

6. McClain describes wanting her daughter to know that she is in charge of her own body. This commitment to supporting the child’s bodily autonomy means the family has to reject certain practices, such as spanking or always giving grandparents hugs upon request. Have you or
members of your family had to unlearn long-held beliefs around consent or effective discipline? How has that been for you?

7. In Chapter Nine, McClain shares this quote from organizer and mother Cat Brooks of Oakland: “Our job as black mothers is to keep pushing the liberation ball down the court. Our obligation is to leave the world better for them and to ensure that they are equipped with the tools that they
need to fight… I tell my daughter all the time — and it’s harsh — but we don’t live for the I. We live for the we.” (p. 201) What does the book’s title mean to you?

8. In the conclusion (p. 228), McClain writes: “The most important dividing line today is between those who believe our greatest resource is our imagination and those who think unbridled imaginations are dangerous, a threat to existing ways of organizing power.” Do you agree? What is the role of imagination in your own life?

9. Can you point to specific passages that struck you personally?

10. What impact has this book had on you? How has it changed the way you think about your own story of parenting, family life and community life? Who is the “we” that you are living for?



Terms of use: This discussion guide was created by the author, Dani McClain, and is used with the author’s permission.

+How does Bassey’s acknowledgement that there is no neat ending for her make you feel?

+How does Bassey’s acceptance of herself show through in this ending?

+How have you learned to accept yourself? Have you learned to “pop your own balloons”?

++Are these questions different than the ones you were asking as you read? Enhance the discussion by adding questions!

+Bassey has two simultaneous huge events that are scary and deeply sad. How do her old coping mechanisms creep back in?

+What are ways that you have coped with experiencing grief?

++Are these questions different than the ones you were asking as you read? Enhance the discussion by adding questions!

+In this chapter, Bassey addresses that this is her life and healing and moving forward is not always linear. She talks about her optimism and fears and exhaustion. How does that impact your understanding of mental health and wellness?

+How do we care for ourselves on the days where exhaustion feels like it’s winning? Are there resources you’ve found helpful like local parks, a specific album or artist, or other things you find you return to in challenging moments?

++Are these questions different than the ones you were asking as you read? Enhance the discussion by adding questions!

What was your impression of Bassey’s state in the hospital? How did it impact your understanding of mental health care in the United States?
+How did Bassey’s family’s reactions compare to what you know about their relationships?

+Why do you think Bassey was honest with Trevor about why she was in the hospital, rather than her friends, family, and doctors?

++Are these questions different than the ones you were asking as you read? Enhance the discussion by adding questions!

+How was Diane able to get Bassey back into treatment? What do our relationships mean in times of struggle? What are ways your friends have cared for you?

+Have you ever noticed a friend was in need of your help? What made you realize they needed help? How did you go about helping them?

++Are these questions different than the ones you were asking as you read? Enhance the discussion by adding questions!

+What are the different ways anxiety shows up in our own lives? How does it affect our behavior and responses to thing? What are some symptoms of anxiety?

+How do you deal with anxiety when it comes up in your life? In the lives of your loved ones?

++Are these questions different than the ones you were asking as you read? Enhance the discussion by adding questions!

+People have a hard time adhering to medication. How does this chapter explore Bassey’s struggles with adherence and how does that impact her treatment and care?

+What are reasons not described in this chapter that people may not adhere to medications prescribed to them?

++Are these questions different than the ones you were asking as you read? Enhance the discussion by adding questions!

+What does Bassey’s initial treatment plan look like? How do the adverse side effects and trial and tribulations with medicine affect her?

+Unintended negative consequences can sometimes result from something that is supposed to help you, as is the case with Bassey's issues with the side effects of her medication. What are other examples of this phenomenon, related to health or not, that you've experienced?

++Are these questions different than the ones you were asking as you read? Enhance the discussion by adding questions!

+How does Bassey react to her diagnosis? She mentions her Blackness and conversations around mental health in her household growing up, how did these factors influence her reaction? What are some other factors you think influenced her reaction?

+Why would Bassey not initially accept her diagnosis? How does mental health stigma color her reaction? Why does this stigma exist and how can we as individuals and as a society work against it?

++Are these questions different than the ones you were asking as you read? Enhance the discussion by adding questions!

+In this chapter, her mental health is acknowledged by someone outside of a romantic relationship. How does Alice respond to Bassey? How do her responses reveal what they’ve seen about Bassey’s mental health and her behavior while she’s been traveling?

+Bassey uses the pronoun “she” instead of “I” to recount her own experiences in this chapter. Why do you think she made this writing choice?

++Are these questions different than the ones you were asking as you read? Enhance the discussion by adding questions!

+How did this chapter shape your understanding about people’s experiences with mental health crises?

+Did Bassey’s description of what it’s like to experience hypomania resonate with you in any way?

++Are these questions different than the ones you were asking as you read? Enhance the discussion by adding questions!

+This chapter was very visceral, how did reading it make you feel? Does her recollection of a particularly challenging night feel familiar to experiences you’ve had?

+In this chapter, Bassey states several times that she should tell someone what she is experiencing. What reasons does she give for not reaching out for help? What makes you feel like you can, or cannot, confide in a friend or loved one?

++Are these questions different than the ones you were asking as you read? Enhance the discussion by adding questions!

+How do each person’s needs clash with the others to create their dynamic?How do they care for each other? How does Bassey deny her partner’s needs? How does he deny hers?

+In an earlier chapter, Bassey says fights with her mother are “like a war”, which is also the title of this chapter. What parallels do you see between Bassey’s relationship with her mother and her relationship with this partner?

++Are these questions different than the ones you were asking as you read? Enhance the discussion by adding questions!

+In this chapter, Bassey talks about briefly using substances to self-medicate. How does this compare to what we know about mental illness? How does access to resources and community support shift people’s likelihood to self-medicate?

+Bassey talks about acting like a different person with different groups of friends to hide her self-medication. Why might she feel the need to do this? How might this act put additional strain on her?


++Are these questions different than the ones you were asking as you read? Enhance the discussion by adding questions!

+The moment with the kettle feels like the full realization that Bassey’s memory lapses are more than a personality trait and she’s very scared.
+What was your reaction to reading about her fears that both were about and were bigger than the kettle melting?

+How did Derek respond? How did his response compare to Michael’s responses in the past?

+Bassey describes a constant cycle of “the quiet” followed by “the storm” that is going on inside her mind. Do you notice any patterns like this in your own thinking?


++Are these questions different than the ones you were asking as you read? Enhance the discussion by adding questions!

+What are the various ways Michael skirts accountability for his actions? Does he rely on Bassey’s forgetfulness and insecurity to cover his bases or would that require he consider her at all? How does this impact Bassey? Does his insistence that she left him after their break up allow him to further skirt his own responsibilities in the ending of their relationship?

+How do you think Ikpi’s relationship with Michael will impact her relationships with other romantic partners?

++Are these questions different than the ones you were asking as you read? Enhance the discussion by adding questions!

+This moment grapples with truths. Do you believe there is generally only one truth, or do you allow for many truths?

+In this chapter, Ikpi describes lies she tells to others and lies she tells to herself. Why do we lie to ourselves? Are the reasons different from why we lie to others?

++Are these questions different than the ones you were asking as you read? Enhance the discussion by adding questions!

+This chapter was challenging. The theme of generational trauma again rises. Her mother harmed her because she was harmed as a child and has not yet worked through it in a way that pauses the cycle of harm. How do we sit with recognizing someone has hurt someone else, but that it came from a place of hurt? What does accountability look like? How do we disrupt cycles of harm?

++Is this question different than the ones you were asking as you read? Enhance the discussion by adding questions!

+Ikpi remembers her experience watching the Challenger explosion in real time. Do you have an experience you shared with an entire generation? As we experience group trauma in real time, how does this situate with other group traumas? Does that experience inform how you are experiencing the pandemic?

+Ikpi describes being very affected by the Challenger explosion as a child and feeling guilt for this and other disasters. When her parents and teachers discover this from the back of her math test, she is told not to write on her tests anymore. Do you think her parents and teachers should have responded differently? Why might they have responded the way they did?

++Are these questions different than the ones you were asking as you read? Enhance the discussion by adding questions!