daniel .☘︎ ݁˖ (mairbear's version)’s Comments (group member since Apr 21, 2025)

daniel .☘︎ ݁˖ (mairbear's version)’s comments from the The Introverts of Goodreads group.

july 5 🥳🎆

@jada OH WOW! that's actually really good! there's just some things I would recommend. first tho, I rlly like Willie. the cinnamon roll dog comment was PURE GOLD. I need more of him pls :) now the brutally kind advice:

Pacing & Stakes: It meanders a little. The scene is strong for character development, but there’s no urgency. If there’s a mystery (like the line “something, somewhere, was seriously wrong”), it’s not followed up. That line feels like a false alarm unless it’s foreshadowing something later — and if it is, it needs more weight or a stronger hook.

Conflict: The main conflict is internal (Kina not wanting to go in), which is fine — but right now, it resolves too easily. One supportive Willie pep talk and she’s in? That’s emotionally satisfying, but not dramatic. Maybe have her resist more or struggle with a memory that makes the stakes clearer.

Wordiness in Places: Some lines can be trimmed:

“Her legs, traitors that they were, stayed glued to the sidewalk.” → We already get she’s frozen; consider tightening.

“No matter how hard she tried to steer the conversation back to the assignment…” → This whole sentence could be sharper and snappier.

Tone Consistency: That one line “probably judging whoever dared walk in late” felt a little too teen drama villain. It breaks the otherwise sensitive vibe. Maybe tweak it to be more about her perception of judgment rather than assuming they’re cruel.

But that's just what I think!! it's still rlly good and I would like for you to keep on writing! I want to know more now.

I do online! it is very much easier lol I still like writing tho bc I feel like eventually everything will be electronic

heyy!!
| Daniel
| you can call me Danny if you want <3
| Bloodguard by Cecy Robson!
| im actually writing my own YA romantasy novel! heh
| i hope i can meet new people and have fun in this club!!
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