Kris’s Comments (group member since Oct 11, 2012)

Kris’s comments from the First Page of Your Book. group.

Hi Rustin,
Appreciate your comments. I'm going through some mass editing/revisions right now and hadn't thought to dedicate a pass to word choice... definitely don't want to make it tedious for readers!
Megyn's thesis topic is about the co-dependence between Thomas Jefferson and his daughter Martha. While I want to give away spoilers (in case it's ever published *fingers crossed*) here's my hook so you can get a sense of where I'm going with all this...
When staight A college student, Megyn Quill is falsely accused of plagiarizing her thesis, she turns to the Purple Shadows- a legendary secret society- for help only to find that she's a pawn in Thomas Jefferson's 200 year old unresolved scandal.
Again, thanks for your thoughts!
Kris

Natasha wrote: "From Lesbian Crushes and Bulimia: A Diary on How I Acquired my Eating Disorder by Natasha Holme:

Sunday 30th July 1989, Germany
Bought chocolate and a Wimpy at the station, sat around for ages lis..."
Natasha,
I would agree with Diane's & Janet's comments. I'd also like to get an idea of why you are in Germany, how old are you during this experience, etc. It would give me a frame of reference for understanding your narrative.
Interesting topic and really "edgy" title!
Kris

Diane wrote: "So, here is my own first page of 'Spectral Witness' my paranormal suspense thriller'. I'd like to know what you think. Thanks! Diane
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“God’s hand painted Glass Lake.” Arthur Black, London, E..."
Hi Diane,
This is a captivating beginning! The tension is heavy by your second line! As a reader, I'd like to get some hint of the voice... young/old, male/female but perhaps holding those questions keeps me reading to find out more. I imagine the voice to be calm and calculated. It draws me in. The prose that follows is beautiful written, but as a reader, I want to hear more of the voice you've introduced to me... it only took 10 words! I would definitely keep reading. Great start!
Kris

Horace wrote: "What exactly is the first page in an ebook? Does it differ from a paper book? I know I tend to read more of the front info in an ebook than I used to in a paperback. I started my book with a pre..."

Horace, I really liked that you're writing a reference book from a first person point of view... it's unique and feels as if I'm in for a one-on-one equine education. Quite engaging.
Kris

Thanks, Diane! Appreciate your thoughts. I get into the thick of Megyn's thesis in the 1st chapter, but I agree that it may help the reader to hint at her subject (central to the entire plot-line). Also, will soften her "shock" and offer hints as to the girls character. Yes, I wanted to start the action fast, but offering a few mini-descriptions may help the reader get absorbed in the story.

Quick question- are you inviting all group participants to comment on authors' first pages??? Would love to share news of this group on Twitter...

Thanks!
Kris

Hi Diane,
Thank you for moderating this page... what a find! Below is the first page of my contemporary suspense novel, Purple Shadows. Appreciate your feedback!
Kris


Prologue

The blustery draft chased her up the concrete stairwell and twisted around her as she fiddled with the damned key. Already beyond frustrated, Megyn just couldn’t take one more setback and was tempted to chuck her keys back down the stairs, but was finally able to unlock her dorm room. She heaved her overloaded backpack into the room and deposited it unceremoniously on her desk before running into the adjoining room. Diving onto her bed, she screamed “He’s a freaking slave driver!” and started punching her pillow.

“Bad day, Megs?” Alison, her roommate walked out of their shared bathroom still brushing her teeth and took in the scene with a quizzical smirk on her face. This was totally out of character. Megyn was hardly a dramatic, overtly demonstrative person. In the four years they’d known each other, she’d never witnessed any sort of outburst of this magnitude from her normally reserved friend.

Megyn looked up, shocked to find that she wasn’t alone and embarrassed that Alison had witnessed her meltdown. Sitting up, she hugged her pillow and though she struggled to contain her emotions, a renegade tear escaped and paved a hot trail down her cheek.

“Sorry you saw that, Al.” She wiped the tear away with the back of her hand. “I just had a meeting with a graduate TA. Why the department decided to reassign me to the visiting history professor last month was just plain sadistic, but I can’t even score a meeting with Van Balen himself, only one of his TA groupies. Apparently, Mr. High-and-Mighty reviewed my thesis and had his henchman tell me that it was basically worthless. It was brutal!”

Despite her efforts, the floodgates broke and bitter tears started pouring down Megyn’s face. “I’ve been working my ass off on this paper for over two years and it was solid as-is! My first thesis advisor told me as much. New hot-shot professor comes in, rips it apart and can’t even tell me to my face. He doesn’t even bother to give me any guidance or constructive criticism. It’s almost as if he thinks my entire topic is irrelevant. Alison, my thesis is due right after spring break. That’s only a few months away. What the hell does he expect me to do? Torch it and start over?”

Alison handed her a tissue and crouched down in front of her. “No way! You’re the smartest person I know at UVA. I don’t know anyone else who has a 4.0 GPA! You’ve worked really hard on your thesis and it’s in great shape. You know it. The whole history department knows it. Even Harvard knows it and they’re eating out of your hand trying to lure you into their graduate program next fall.”

Megyn rolled her eyes, clearly not swayed by her friend’s obviously biased support. “Al, if I bomb my thesis, I won’t be able to graduate in the spring with Highest Distinction. Harvard isn’t known for slumming with sub-par students. I can just kiss that pipe dream goodbye.”