Rikki’s Comments (group member since Dec 17, 2012)

Rikki’s comments from the Write it up group.

You have books, right? Get the one closest to you. Write the title backwards, excluding articles and prepositions. For example,"The Call of the Wild" becomes "Wild Call." This is the title of your piece.

Chapter 9
The snake room

We're getting a new shipment of snakes today so the room must be perfect. I always keep it perfect but than perfect to me ain't at all what perfect is to Butch.

So I'm on my hands and knees scrubbing the floor and thinking about last nights sneak away. I almost had it. Let's just I'm s little on the grumpy side of things morning. Here I'll make it worse.
I'm almost done with my floor scrubbing, when Corn comes waltzing in with her dusty bare feet. That girl can't see two feet ahead of her, I swear. She come within inched of head.

"What are you doing," she sniffs.

"You tell me." I sigh.

"Well it kinda looks likes you lost something?" she's smiling now and I know she's got something else to say.

I lose it, I'm sorry now to say. I just lose it. "Maybe it's in this bucket of dirty soapy water. Here have a look." I whip the bucket of suds and wet dirt at her. And If you've every done something you regret, you'll know I how felt after this part. The bucket flies at her head soaking her from head to toe. She slips on the water and knocks the cart of snake eggs back. The box is falling as I'm shouting, "Noo!" The cart rams into a shelf and snakes start falling. The shelf just happens to be behind the door which is closed and as the shelf is falling it breaks the handle off the door. There's no other way out and Butch and Miss Seed will be outside all day. My face heats with anger as I glare at Corn.

"I didn't know!" Corn said says, weakly, once the ringing in my ears is gone. I can tell she's gonna cry. But I don't care nor did I ever. I only care for the snakes now.

As I scramble around to pick them off the floor, I can see Corn trying her best to help and for once she's not talking. She don't touch the snakes she picks up buckets of dead bugs for the snakes and their skins. Then she goes over to the shelf blocking our way out and tries to lift it. "Don't try that yet." I tell her in a low voice. My anger dies quickly, but not my grudges. "Snakes are first priority. Will you help or just stand their?" I've got five snakes around my neck and arms and they heavy, so don't say complete sentences to save my energy.
"What do I do."
"Open... box."
She does what I tell her and when we're all done we try to lift the shelf form the door. But it ain't any use. "Face it Corn. We're stuck." I tell her.

"But I don't like it in here."
"Then why you'd come in here in the first place?" I asked, not knowing how she'll answer.
"I want you to smile. I won't stop... bothering til I get you to smile." I open my to retort, but she bats her hand at me and I let her speak. "I know you'll tell me to leave you alone. If I leave you alone I'll never get you smile."

I sit on the floor. What am I suppose to say to her? I don't hate her but she really knows how to get on my nerves. "Do you know why I don't smile?" I asked her quietly.

She shakes her head and sits down a ways away. Here we go. I'm gonna tell her.

chapter 8

little sneak

Last night it was like I was nine again. In my dream, I was hiding under the kitchen table in my home, when a man breaks into my house and kills my ma and pa. He steals what he wants and leaves. Me being young and all I wasn't brave enough to go after him and finish him off myself. But I vowed that day that I'd find that man, find out why he did what he done and end him. That's why I stopped smiling.
I woke then, the image of his face still stuck in my mind, and it was clear I wasn't gonna be getting any more sleep. I slipped out of bed and to my door. Every time I do this I hope so much I don't wake Corn next door. Just guess what she'd do if she knew I suck out some nights.

Anyway I open my door and leave it ajar when I walk out to the steps on the tips of my toes. I know where every crack is on these steps so I don't makes a single noise on my way down. When I'm at the bottom I swiftly take a left, then a right, around the squeaky floor board before Mr Butch's room and another right, to the library. These doors slide inside the walls. As long as I don't throw them open I'm in the clear.
Butch is good friends with the town Banker so what I'm about to do shouldn't be hard at all. Should it? If I could just find his accounting book I could get. Darn. I think. I'm looking up at these shelves full of writing books, numbering books, date books and my heart sinks. I can't do this tonight.

Chapter 7
Ally


I tell him who it is and he says his goodbye before I shoo him away.

"There you are!" Corn walked up to me just as I slipped my boot back on. Little lady curled her self back around my ankle.
"What are you doing out here?" Like she didn't know. She was asking for it and I was up for a game.
"Enjoying the weather." It slipped out before I could stop it and even then I'd be in for it. The weather is never enjoyable here and everyone knew it. Corn was giving me the eye and I had to do something quick. I'd find the low life who killed my parents before I'd tell Corn, the worst secret keeper of all time, my secrets. She would go tell everyone she knew. Mr. Butch would... never mind. "Look, Corn I got lost okay?" My face was truthful but my mind buzzed, begging her to believe me.

Her big blue eyes held mine for a moment but then she shrugged. "Well, anyway were leavening. Train's gonna leave soon." After a lecture from Butch about running off and a scolding about my roughed looks from Mrs. Seed, we were on the train headed back. We are in the last car thanks to me. But I wanted to be here for a reason. My plan works. Just as the train starts moving with a jerk, a boy walks across the tracks behind us. He's looking at me. This is what I planed, if I ever see him again, he's my ally for sure.

Looks good!

Chapter 6

Secret

"Promise you won't freak out?" I plead. Then I catch myself, and it's bad. I haven't felt this bad since...
He sees it on my face. I know he does. I feel like I'm choking.

"You don't have to tell." he says gently. He looks concerned. I've got to stop this.
I cough and shack my head. "Who are you?"

He stares at me a minute and gives me an easy smile. But I couldn't predict was he was about to say. "Close call. Huh? It's okay. I know how it is. Can't share secrets just anyone without knowing who they are. I get it."
My head was down and now I raise it to look at him. "My father owns the bank." he continues. "William Brink, but Will to friends."

I nod to the introduction. I've never really meat someone in just this way before. "Hollet."

"And your last name?"

I shrugg. I'm careful with my name for reasons I don't understand myself.

"It's fine." he smiles and turns away form me. I trust him now. I think.

I glance at a tree and he nods. I walk over and lean myself against it's trunk. He stands next to me as I slip off boot showing him my little friend. I don't know what I expect him to do but he kneels down to my foot and examines the snake.
"Harmless thing isn't it? venemless by look of it. And weak."

"How do you know so much about snakes?" A bankers son? Snakes? It doesn't add up.

"Books." was his simple answer. "Does she have a name?"

Shoot. My face heats as I say, "Little Lady."
If he laughs I'm...

"I like it." he reaches out to pet her. "May I?"
"She doesn't like others much but she's harmless." And just as he starts to take Little Lady from my foot I hear a another voice, all to familiar.

That's okay. I shouldn't be on here either.

You're awesome at keeping interest and readers on edge, I've got to say that.

No major problems I caught. Keep it up!

Hmmm.... just my opinion but maybe you should find a way to make that more clear to other readers.

Watch your tenses. it seems to skip back and fourth between past and present. Pick a tense and stick to it or it get confusing.

Here's just one I found: 'I, then, stepped into Divison Hall. Where all the Divisions meet up. In the center, there is an elevator to the plaza.'

Pretty good, it keeps enough interest and readers wondering what will happen next.

I like how you used pictures to give clues of some of his background. I wouldn't recommend a lot of pictures or readers wouldn't see it it as a book. But in the beginning it's good because it draws them into the story.

Useless


((I'll look at that if you post in our role play))

equation

When I look back at my past writting I see now and was told that showing is so much more powerful than just telling.
Sure you can say: 'He was sad.' Or 'She was happy because...' But it's dull and lifeless. Instead, think about the emotion or feeling you want your charecter to express. Then think of how you or someone eles looks or feels when they have that emotion. Ask yourself what your charecter would do it the situation you put them in. How would they act?

So to bring 'He was sad' to life, you could think of another word other than boring old sad like devistated, sorry, unhappy, grieved, or crestfallen and make it fit.
'He was grieved.' Then elaberated to make the sentence or description longer and interesting. 'He was greiving for his long lost mother.' Then show your readers. What does a person do when they are greving? This may involve going through steps.
A person often cries when greiving.
What do they do when they cry?
Tear up, sob, weep. So describe what how they react. 'He was greving for his long lost mother. 'His eyes stung as tears ran down cheeks and his lung heaved for air.'
See? A lot more interesting than than before and easier for your readers to relate to.

As our writting improves and we learn tips and different techniques that work for each and every one of us, here we share differant things about what we learned. It can be a story of how you improved, Just a simple tip or anything really that's relates to improving our writting!

Cool! Looking forward to it!

Chapter 5
I won't tell


It takes me a moment to came back. He asked me a question and I wasn't listening. "What?"
"Did you by any chance come here with an obnoxious...."
He stops. He must've ran into Corn.
"I'm not gonna lie." I mumble.
He gives me short laugh and directs me too a path. I thought we'd just walk which I would have been just find with. but he starts talking and I find I like his voice.
"I hate to say this," he says, "But she told me to talk to you."
"Just like her." I mutter.
He slows a bit. "She's not your sister is she?"
I look down and shake my head.
"Is she related to you?"
"I just live with them. It's a snake farm." I keep my mouth straight as always.
He gets back to his pace and says. "I know."
I bring my head up and stare at him. "I've been there." he continues.

"Have you been in the snake room?" I risk.
"Can't say I have. It's got to be a sight though."
I nod. Though the house is junk the snake room is amazing. It's bright and quiet with a high ceiling and fan that a make a low hum. Everything is organized and always just where I leave it. "I'm in there all the time." Something tightens around my ankle as if Little Lady is reminding me she's still there. "Do you..." I don't how to ask. But he waits until I do. "If I tell you something, you swear to death you won't tell."

He takes a moment and nods.
"No I'm serious." I say.
"I won't tell." I can see he's being true but I stretch it and give him a look. "I'll even tell you a secret of my own." His addition satisfies me.

Me: Oh are you making bagels again.
Mom: Yeah, but they aren't turning out like they did before.
Me: I bet they'll still taste the same. I won't judge a bagel by it's looks.
Mom: * takes misshapen bagel out of broiler*
Me: *laughs*
Mom: don't laugh. You'll hurt it's feelings.
Me: well you shouldn't butter them up either. *snort laugh* I've gotta stop laughing at my own jokes!

Michael's



Favorite resteraunt?

( (btw the way I replied in our one one one))